how do i become normal?

[Larry]

i really want to get out of the house today,  not sure why i am still sitting here.  i feel a little lost,  i know if i get outside i will feel better.  i hope you all are having a nice day ,  i appreciate all the support !

[Armee]

Out you go, Larry! Toss on those shoes and go go go! You want to feel better, you know what will make you feel better, do it for yourself. No one else is going to make you feel better. You have to claim that right for yourself. You have to fight for yourself and your right to exist and heal.

And I'm curious what you end up doing with your day!

[Larry]

thank you Armee!  i want to take my dogs to the beach,  and get some sun.  going to get dressed and ready,  i know i have to make myself do this or i will sit here all day and be depressed.  it's just easier to not do anything. 

[Armee]

It sure is! I get how hard it is!

Tell us about the beach when you get back!

[Larry]

didn't stay long,  but i did it !  it  was nice,  and the dogs really enjoyed it!  also re planted a few things outside.  not sure what i am going to do this evening,   but haven't had any drinks yet today !  it almost scares me being in a good mood. 

[Dante]

Things going well is a major trigger for me to start drinking.  Hope is very scary to me, it means that I'm about to get caught and punished.  Hang in there, you can do it!

[Armee]

Great job Larry! It can be really hard to get out and treat ourselves the way we deserve to be treated. And yeah I see you CPTSD. I mean treated WELL not the way we sometimes think we deserve to be treated like crud.

I'm really impressed how you see what you need help with and come here and post to get that help and encouragement. You really do want to get better and it takes every bit of that will to do it.

[Larry]

not too long ago i didn't really know anything about my condition,  i have lived with it so long i thought it was almost normal.  i really want to hel and be happy without the guilt and shame.  thank you all for being so supportive ! 

[Larry]

I hope you can have a good day dante,  you deserve it.  and thank you Armee ! you both are my hero !

[Larry]

i walked to a bar by my house,  i had 3 beers,  hopefully will not drink any more tonight.  i think i did it out of boredom.   i didn't drive,  so i guess that is a start ! 

[Larry]

i have 5 drinks today,  i feel really weird counting the drinks.   next Friday is the big day,  first session ,  i really hope i don't start drinking heavy before then.  i read a post today that said " healing also means taking an honest look at the role you are playing in your own suffering" 
Wow,  that really hit me,  i have not been helping myself.  I want to heal,  it has been so hard to not just drink and forget.  I really want this ,  trying so hard to do the right things.

[Armee]

You can really want something and it can still be very difficult to achieve even when we are theoretically in charge of our own bodies and reactions. Yes, you can choose to not have a drink or 5 or 10. And yet also in a way your drinking is a trauma reaction. I think of it a little like how my body will involuntary react when I am triggered. I cannot stop it from doing that. In fact the more I fight it the worse it reacts. So there's some balance there  in accepting that your drinking is a trauma reaction and that it is very hard not just a matter of sheer will power to change that behavior and response. You probably have more control of whether you drink and drive as it seems that is a step removed from the initial reaction but I may be wrong as I don't tend to have the risk taking reactions as much.

[Blueberry]

i read a post today that said " healing also means taking an honest look at the role you are playing in your own suffering" 
Wow,  that really hit me,  i have not been helping myself. 

In my experience, an opinion like the one you quoted may be useful or not so much depending upon where you are in your recovery. Sometimes that 'honest look' might actually be your Inner Critic. If that honest look triggers you off into something else, I'd be wary.

I think you are starting therapy soon? A therapist would help you get the balance right between looking and stabilising/re-stabilising.

[Larry]

thank you both,  i am still trying to figure things out.  what you both said makes so much sense.  i really have no idea what i am doing.  just trying to get through each day.  making some coffee,  then see where the day goes.

[Larry]

i only had 5 drinks today.  really trying ,first therapy session is next friday,  i am worried the anxiety might make me drink more.