I resigned from my toxic job

[rainydiary]

I still have a lot to process but wanted to put out there that I resigned from a toxic job.

[Dante]

Hi rainydiary, I know (from experience) it is difficult to process, but I also know you did the right thing for you.  Good for you for standing up for your rights to be treated like a human being.  I feel proud of you for taking that difficult step. 

[rainydiary]

Thank you Dante.  I feel a mixture of relief and guilt and grief.  In the long run I know I will appreciate taking this step. 

[Kizzie]

For sure it's a mixed bag of feelings.  I left a few jobs in my life and looking back they really were toxic and unhealthy.  We have to do what's right for ourselves so I hope the guilt and grief fade quickly and the relief stays sweet.

[rainydiary]

Kizzie, thank you.  Today I am already finding more humor and relief however still experiencing guilt, grief, and a lot of shame today.  My notice period is lengthy (30 days) which makes this challenging. 

[Kizzie]

I always felt a lot of relief and shame too when I left a job because it was toxic in some way for me.  I  felt like I failed versus understanding I suffer from CPTSD. Toxic workplaces/people were so hard for me;  they triggered and retraumatized me plain and simple. That was not on me, but on my past, on what happened to me.

I truly hope as relational trauma survivors learn more about ourselves along with professionals and the public  we will all understand just how incredibly difficult it is to make your way through life when you suffer from Complex PTSD.  In turn I hope we will be validated by ourselves and others, and have access to more and better treatment and service. 

I do think it's okay to feel pleased and proud that you are removing yourself from a situation that is unhealthy for you.      

[rainydiary]

Kizzie, I appreciate these words. 

I think a huge source of shame of late is that I attempted to share about trauma and CPTSD.  The reaction I received was at best misunderstanding and at worst a form of discrimination. 

These reactions were in part the system of toxicity inherent in my workplace.  But also most people have a limited understanding of what trauma is and even less understanding of CPTSD.  As a result I am seen in a stigmatized way instead of in a context where my brain functions differently. 

In the long run I won't look back on this with as much pain.  I know it is my time to go.  But this is difficult. 

[Armee]

Lots of hugs Rainy. 

You did good. It's maddening that trauma is not well understood by our workplaces, and that you received discrimination instead of accommodation for disclosing.

Sometimes I feel really frustrated when I see stories about long covid and the empathy and support provided when the troubles we struggle with as trauma survivors are often even more severe, a public health crisis in it's own right, and we do this with stigma instead of understanding and support.

[rainydiary]

Thanks Armee.

Your words helped me reflect: in my job I am a mandatory reporter if I suspect abuse/neglect.  Each year (at least in the state where I currently work) I have had to take a mandatory training about abuse/neglect. 

Aside from this often feeling triggering as a survivor, I now see how misguided these trainings are.  The description and definitions they use are generic and don't really discuss the impact of WHY abuse/neglect are so harmful.  The lack of mention of trauma and the experience of trauma really stands out to me now. 

I think that those trainings should include the voice of survivors.  I really don't think most people understand that there isn't one way a child/teen/adult experiencing abuse/neglect is going to present.  In our society we tend to water things down and often bias individuals in a way that creates stigma by the way information is presented.

I have more perspective and hope to keep talking about my experience with people I know and hope it creates a ripple effect. 

[Kizzie]

Lots of hugs Rainy.   

  and 

[Armee]

I agree Rainy. So much with what you said. People do need better training about what abuse and neglect look like and what signs to look for, cause it does vary so much. I know i was completely overlooked because I was quiet and just slept. If I had been acting out I would have been flagged. But because I just put my head down and slept through my classes teachers just assumed I was lazy and unmotivated, rather than being so overwhelmed by trauma that it was the only way I could function (which was to not function?).

It must have been such a painful blow to have to take that training. To be triggered, and to then also be treated with abuse at work.