Hello Everyone, new here. Possible TW

[smindia1981]

Hello very long post.
Apologies for that.
I am struggling currently with my inability to manage my binge eating.
I have been through emotional,  physical and CSA.
I have a loving family of my own now. My husband  and two kids.
I am a personal trainer and not able to get in shape is just eating me up.alive.
I try to talk to inner me and be calm and patient.  But I know I am rushing and trying to heal wounds that are much deeper.
But I end up sabotaging myself and binging.
Yoga helps but then again I get impatient and try to cut calories or whatever and then I binge.
I hide food, ferret it away and eat alone outside.
I feel so much shame
I have been suicidal. But that was years ago.
I feel ashamed at being unable to manage food and get into shape.
I haven't had contact with my surviving parent (mother) since 2 years or so.
Financially I can't afford a shrink.
Any tips regarding food will be helpful.
I have personally decided to not diet or cut calories too much. Eat clean and slowly start with yoga.
I do weights,  feel string and then again sabotage it
I feel so angry when I read posts here and start recognising my own abuse.
I just figured out last year that I have CPTSD.
And the other symptoms started being more understandable.
Anxiety, and so.much more.
I have felt ugly, shameful,  worthless all my life.
I always used to feel I am that.
Despite being reasonably okay looking, I dress up like a vagabond.
I deliberately dressed to hide my feminity as I felt shut shamed all the time inside my head.
I can't listen or watch traumatic news or movies as I start reliving them and I feel so involved
I feel so much anger and shame when I feel hungry.
The people here seem to have had so much inflicted on them, it seems like a refuge to me.
Any tips on healing from binge eating?
Thank you to whoever took time to read.

[Armadillo]

Hi, and welcome.

I don't have tips on binge eating.

I hope soon you can find a way to afford therapy. It makes me so angry that people who need it most are least able to afford it, thanks to the abuse in the first place.

Everything you wrote here makes sense and you have good company here in untangling these massive tangles we have been dealt.  I'm sorry for the abuse you went through

[Libby183]

Hello smindia.

I am very sorry to read about all you have been through, and everything you are trying to deal with in the present. You are in good company here.

I don't have any advice specific to binge eating. When my CPTSD was at its worst, I was scared of eating. I do think that you are absolutely right to avoid diets, and I would suggest that, as you learn more about coping and healing from trauma, the eating issues may start to ease, as part of the whole picture. That has been my experience, and I hope it's the same for you.

I look forward to hearing from you again.

[smindia1981]

Hi, and welcome.

I don't have tips on binge eating.

I hope soon you can find a way to afford therapy. It makes me so angry that people who need it most are least able to afford it, thanks to the abuse in the first place.

Everything you wrote here makes sense and you have good company here in untangling these massive tangles we have been dealt.  I'm sorry for the abuse you went through

Thank you for reading all that and replying back. I too am working towards being able to afford therapy in future.
Just reading people here has given me so much insight and understanding into my own trauma.
Thank you again 

[smindia1981]

Hello smindia.

I am very sorry to read about all you have been through, and everything you are trying to deal with in the present. You are in good company here.

I don't have any advice specific to binge eating. When my CPTSD was at its worst, I was scared of eating. I do think that you are absolutely right to avoid diets, and I would suggest that, as you learn more about coping and healing from trauma, the eating issues may start to ease, as part of the whole picture. That has been my experience, and I hope it's the same for you.

I look forward to hearing from you again.

Hello Libby183
Thank you for reading and reaching out.
I am going to try not to rush into cutting calories or dieting. Just feeling heard here and knowing that there are people who have gone through similar and worse stuff, and yet they are trying to be kind, atleast makes me feel a bit at peace.
Knowing that there are people out there who feel and struggle the way I do.
I knew about this site since earlier this year, but have been very scared and paranoid to post.
But I am glad I did.
Thank you again

[Not Alone]

I struggle with binge eating too. I don't have tips on healing from that. For me, I think the main issue is cPTSD. Binge eating is a way, although unhealthy, to bring some relief from the cPTSD symptoms.