Letter to three important people

[rainydiary]

Dear R, L, and M,

I thought of you today.  Over the years I have often thought of you separately.  Today I thought of you collectively and saw a line connecting you. 

I saw that I never admitted how much I cared and loved each of you.  I saw that you each share a hair color.  I saw that you each made me feel seen.  I saw a version of myself that stayed with you.  I saw the reality that we grew apart.  I saw that I probably think of you and you don't think of me anymore.  I saw my grief over my loss of you. 

I am curious what I am holding on to here.

R - you were my best friend in an especially trying time.  When I was with you I felt smart, challenged, valued.  You are funny and I felt together that we would make changes to the world.  Today you continue to fight for others and I admire you so much.  I still feel challenged by your example.  We are still in touch and sometimes this feels dangerous to me. 

L - you were a comfort to me during a huge time of transition in my life.  When I was with you I felt safe, content, connected.  We had inside jokes and I felt comfortable with you.  I don't know as much about your life now other than that you seem happy with where you are. 

M - you included me and made me feel power in a time that I felt so lost.  When I was with you I felt alive, autonomous, engaged.  We enjoyed a lot of time together.  I honestly don't know much at all about your life now.  I imagine that you are successful and working hard and passionate. 

What you all three have in common is how you scared me too.  I didn't understand myself.  I felt the instinct for self protection which expressed itself by pushing all of you away.  It hurt me a great deal to do that but at the time I didn't know better. 

I think I am telling myself the story that I hadn't been afraid of you, my life would have been filled with less pain sooner.  Would you have helped me and been patient with me as I discovered my abusive past and come to terms to living with CPTSD?  Would you have stayed and supported me as I found my place in this world?  Would you have loved me and created a life with me? 

It also pains me that while I focus on how I responded in these situations, you also made your own choices.  Why didn't you tell me how you felt?  Why did you let me push you away?  Why did our relationship fall apart?

I won't know the answer to these questions or any others that come to mind.  I feel stuck in feelings you are bringing up.  I will reflect on them and see what I learn. 

It feels important to me to acknowledge you.  I wish I could have told you sooner that I loved and cared for you.  I am sorry for any pain I caused you.  I will carry you in my heart and will appreciate what you brought to my life.   

[Armadillo]

 

[Blueberry]

rainydiary, I felt kind of sad while reading this but at the end the word "beautiful" came to me. I'm not sure if that's the 'right' word for you of course.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Blueberry.