Sage's Journal

[CactusFlower]

This week's meeting went without incident. Still annoyed that we have to do so much, but it's worth it for a safe space. Still processing some sadness/grief on a subconscious level. Part of the reading in the meeting was about the Inner Loving Parent and the Inner Child, and it mentioned how sometimes the Inner Child may grieve what they didn't/couldn't have/get, and needs to express that grief before they can let go of some things. Maybe that's what's going on.  Just trying to be kind with myself and let the feelings come as they will without judgement. Not easy, but that's not surprising. I would like to stop waking up crying during the night, though. Mainly because I get quite congested when I cry, then I have to sit up until I can breathe again.  Very frustrating.

[Blueberry]

  

[CactusFlower]

1st PT session went okay yesterday. It'll be 4-6 weeks depending on how well I do, and focusing on core strength and flexibility since the sciatica is gone. At first, I was very apprehensive because it turned out I do have a male physio. I heard "danielle" over the phone, but it turns out it's "Daniel" with an accent.  But I was able to tell him I had CPTSD from childhood trauma, and he asked what he could do for me. I said just tell me what you're doing before you do it, give me a path to the door, and if I dissociate, what that looks like. He totally agreed (he's also much younger than I, which helped) and thanked me for letting him know, and he was very conscientious and checked in often during the eval. I have some simple homework exercises and was also given one of those stretchy floppy bands to use. It also helped that although it was 1 to 1, there were quite a few other people there doing all kinds of stuff at various levels of ability. So I didn't feel watched or judged because they were all too busy. I was definitely exhausted afterwards, though, and napped when I got home. Bro was sweet and got us 5 Guys burgers for lunch. Their fries are awesome, LOL.

I don't know if the physical stuff caused anything or what, but I didn't sleep that great last night. Of course, I got to bed late because I'd napped, which is always annoying.  But had several nightmares and one really weird dream about living with extended family members and telling them to clean up after themselves. The nightmares were... I don't remember much of the details, but I'll have to write down what I do remember to work on it. Highly unpleasant, let's just say. Mainlining the caffeine at the moment to try to wake up. Bleah.

[Papa Coco]

I like the way you handled your PT by explaining how your CPTSD might affect you. It sounds like your PT therapist responded very well to your openness and your guidance for how to treat you.

Good job. That's a good lesson for me too.

And I know what you mean about not feeling judged in PT. I just know that there are not many people on earth who like PT. Everyone in the room is feeling the same love/hate for their torturer.

I'm glad you're seeing some improvement, and that the sciatica is gone.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Papa Coco.
The second session was yesterday and it also went well. Mostly flexibility and stretches to loosen things up. I definitely napped yesterday afternoon, though. I must remember to take a water bottle next time, it was quite dry in there. I used Amazon's Prime Deal days Tuesday to get one of those yoga straps with loops sewn in to help with the stretches at home. Daniel said that was a great idea.

I think I understand better what some people mean when they discuss somatic/trauma release therapy, that the physical brings up the emotional and all. Nightmares have definitely increased since that first session, I'm beyond exhausted due to the disturbed sleep, and... I can hear one of my littlest Inner Children being loudly afraid of something. I'm a bit worried at what might come up, really.

To change to a positive note, Bro ordered an air fryer to replace the one that stopped working right. I'm excited because I do love using one for lots of things. You can make so much in them, it's so helpful.  I also got an Amazon gift certificate for doing a survey/study on a phone game, so I have a 1-person microwave steamer arriving as well. It gets rave reviews for veggies and also fish, which I'd like to eat more of for my health. I'm going with BFF to Costco Monday, so I know I can find something there.

Bro also got me the Baldur's Gate 3 game about a week or so ago, so I'm enjoying taking my time with that in small sessions. The art/graphics is just gorgeous, and the storyline is what I like, complicated but open.

Anyhow, I need to rest again. too bad we can't just recharge like our electronics do, ha ha.

[Not Alone]

I'm sorry you aren't sleeping well. That makes everything more difficult. 

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, thank you, NotAlone.


It's not been a great week, but it's okay. I got my flu and COVID vaccines Friday, and just like last time, was out for the count Saturday. I slept most of the day, had no appetite, no energy, and everything hurt more than normal. I'm better now, but still have a bit of arm soreness.  But I am done and protected for another year.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad you got your vaccines. Not fun to have the reaction, but better than contracting the disease. I have both of mine coming up later this month. One in each arm.

I'm also glad to hear you are getting a replacement air fryer. I am amazed how often we use ours. We even make hard boiled eggs in it!

[CactusFlower]

NarcKiddo, I got one in each arm as well! All better now and yes, glad it's done.

Had a strange nightmare last night. I had a relatively normal dream up until what felt like the last few minutes. It changed dramatically and I dreamed that I was awake, sitting up in bed, and just howling with fear. Then I woke up for real and it was just (just!) my heart racing and panting instead. Pumpkin was still by my feet, so it helped to know she wasn't freaked out.  (she often comes to see what's wrong, sweet kitty.)

Bro bought a wrist cuff blood pressure monitor that can store readings for two people, so that's a handy thing to have. Alas, I'm going to have to move into a diet change (DASH is the one most recommended) because it was unpleasantly high 3 different times just sitting there.  I can't imagine how high it must be when I wake up like that. I apparently really need to lower the fat and salt in what I eat. There are lots of options I like on the Dash plan, though, so it won't be too much of a change.

Only one more PT visit, but he says I've done well and I know the stretches and such to do at home to feel better. So, yay? LOL

Grocery trip tomorrow. I'm going to make my potato soup, a lot of it. It freezes well and tastes even better later. I can eat that for several meals happily. Oh, I need lunch. ha ha No wonder I'm thinking of food.

[CactusFlower]

BP un-safely high again on random reading. I am changing the diet, though. One of the meds I take for nightmares is actually a blood pressure med, so I'll mention the BP when I talk to that doc Weds Morning. if I continue over the next week or so to get high readings when not doing anything in particular, I'll talk to my regular doc. My disability hearing is in just a few weeks, I really don't need more worries. At least I have lots of fish and fresh veggies after our last grocery run.

Not much else today, I've done laundry and had therapy, so I think I'll crash for the afternoon. Whew.

[CactusFlower]

TW: violent dream description, abandonment

Made a couple soups in the crockpot last couple of days. Hard tiring work, but I now have leftovers for several days that I know I'll like. I do love my potato soup when it's chilly, which it's definitely edging on lately. Looks like it's time to make sure I know the location of hats and fingerless gloves.

So, psych doc said let's try going off Prazosin to see if it's really making a difference or not. Stopped that, oh... two days ago. And a nightmare last night with obvious themes. Stop reading here if you don't want to know.







I dreamed I was visiting Paris with an old friend from college. She'd moved there earlier or nearby and was showing me around. She decided to take me to an LGBT-owned club one evening and I had a lot of fun, danced, mingled. Things I don't normally do in real life. (did not drink, though, that was realistic. I rarely have alcohol) She'd gone to get something to drink at the bar and I was nearer the front where the door was when a bomb went off. As you can imagine, there were injuries, smoke, chaos, etc. It felt like hours before first aid stations popped up outside for the large amount of people affected. I was wandering around in shock. I know my hair was a mess, my clothes were a mess, and I had soot and stuff on me, but I didn't feel injured. My hearing rang for a while. I started trying to find my friend and couldn't find her. I wandered around a few blocks away and back several times. No one really paid any attention to me. I realized I didn't have my purse, so no money, ID, passport, nothing. I just had a little cheap burner-type nokia phone that didn't even have saved numbers in it. I kept trying to call what I thought was her number, but nothing. I then decided to stay near the aid stations that were still up, feeing people and such, in case she was looking for me. It was only right before I woke up that I thought to ask a worker for the names of those killed in the blast. I didn't get an answer before I woke up.

My brain, sheesh. I get it, ya know? Seems like it was a pretty obvious theme, really.  Danger, hurt, abandonment, loss/being lost, unable to communicate, no one directly helping me.

So... yeah. I think I'll take it easy today. Oh, my doc got back to me, she called in a prescription to lower the blood pressure and my Bro will pick that up today. Then she wants me to send more readings in two weeks. I do love how quickly she responds to messages. Let's see what that does.

[Armee]

Super unsettling to have nightmares so intense. Sending support for today. 

[CactusFlower]

Thank you Armee. Yeah, unsettling dream that made me wake up late due to sleep disturbances last night. Not immediately terrifying, but lots of loss and grief feelings leftover.

Super tired now, but the chili is in the crockpot.  Later, the BFF can come get his portions. He's having an outpatient surgery Tuesday, so I'm sharing big soup batches so he doesn't have to cook for a couple days after. I made a lot of chili, LOL. I might nap this afternoon.

Anxiety over the disability hearing is starting to ramp up a little. I can talk to my T tomorrow about it. I messaged my regular doc through the patient portal about my BP with those readings and she agrees it's high. so I now have a Rx for that. Calcium blocker type of med, but that's okay, I hate grapefruit anyway. LOL  She said send her more readings in 2 weeks. Getting old sucks.

[Blueberry]

Super unsettling to have nightmares so intense. Sending support for today. 

     CF

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Blueberry.

Not bad dreams for the last night or two, but today was hard. I was looking for some yarn in my room and found the sweater my sweet orange kitty wore last winter. That definitely set me off for a while. I miss him so much. I miss holding my little buddy.