Sage's Journal

[Jazzy]

I get that seeming strange to you, but it makes perfect sense to me and my experience! Everything you write here is very relatable. Unfortunately, I get what you mean about the doctor's too. While they may be limited to what they can do for fibro, they can certainly write letters and sign forms; their writings carry a lot of weight.

This is your journal; it is your place to write as much as you want! It sounds like you're doing well caring for yourself, which I'm happy to hear.

I hope you're feeling better soon. I know physical pain is difficult, especially when it is chronic. Even if that doesn't get too much better (though I suspect it may ease up a bit as everything else improves in therapy etc.) I hope your CPTSD and mental health get better.

I'm sorry to hear its so difficult to do things that are helpful for yourself. That's really important and it's horrible that you were taught the opposite. I think you're making good progress though. It's great you recognize that.

If nothing else, I think you did a good job being kind to yourself today by writing about your feelings and processing the things you find challenging.  Buying that mattress is going to be a super awesome big thing that is kind to yourself too!

All the best to you!

[CactusFlower]

Talking in a general discussion post here made me just realize (an plan to talk to my therapist about) that I don't really exactly know *how* to be kind to myself because I really have a sense of being completely unworthy of kindness that goes a lot deeper than I thought it did. Like, knee-jerk instinctual deep.

I had the male parental unit from right after birth (not the bio father, never met him) until they divorced when I was 11. He was military, so that means Mom and I came back to the USA by ourselves and she was now a single parent. (I'm an only child) Her family (from what she told me) were displeased that she got a divorce and were no help and little contact. After all, this was 1981 and they were the religious ones, so not a surprise. Mom was a strong, independent woman because she had to be. She believe in me, supported me, loved me no matter what, and always told me I could be anything I set my mind to. I didn't know until now, though, just how destructive, how pervasive, how literally life-changing those first 11 years of abuse really were, to still so affect me and bring all this to light at 51. Mom's been gone 9 years next month and I miss her so much. I think it would have truly hurt her heart to know what I'm going through right now, but some days, I just want someone to give me tea and buttered toast and tell me it'll be okay.

[Armadillo]

I'm sorry your mom is gone, Cactus Flower. She sounds protective and loving. Being kind to ourselves can be really hard. I really really struggle with that, viscerally. Maybe focus on tiny little kindnesses toward yourself and write them down here?

Also one thing that helped me. Just a little bit...but I'm quirky...is my T sent me a picture of like a cute little cartoon stuffed animal with bubbly print over it that said "love yourself" followed by "you stupid b*" which 1. Made me laugh and 2. Was just mean enough to myself to let me also think "love yourself" and not want to hurl. So I could think it and smile. Not for everyone for sure!

[Jazzy]

I'm sorry to hear that you don't exactly know how to be kind to yourself. That is really sad. However, it is awesome that you recognized that and already have an action plan to improve! That's great work! 

You mention a really important thing to me here:

I didn't know until now, though, just how destructive, how pervasive, how literally life-changing those first 11 years of abuse really were, to still so affect me and bring all this to light at 51.

Those first years as a child are so important. They set the foundation for the rest of our lives. I find it's so much more difficult to change things for the better when I've never known better. I'm sorry that you were treated badly during that critical time. 11 years is a long time even as an adult; forever as a child.

Your mom sounds like an amazing woman. I'd love to have more people like that in my life. I'm sure she would be hurt to know what you're going through, but I think she'd also be proud that you're fighting through it all and growing better each day.

I can't give you tea and toast, but I can give you this:
It'll be okay! You're doing a great job, keep up the hard work.  if it is positive for you.

[CactusFlower]

  Thank you, that does mean a lot.  yeah, I had far more trauma that I ever realized once i started counting it all up, AND remembering things I had repressed before. I'm often stunned at how much I've lived through. I wrote it all up for my therapist and even she was surprised. I just took it one by one, so never thought it was "that bad". But it was. Especially collectively. I would like to think Mom would be proud of me for surviving. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be where I am now, I'd be a lot worse. Sometimes, I must admit, I do wish she was here so I could ask her about things. Being an only child means there's no one else to corroborate my memories. A weird feeling.

[CactusFlower]

ugh. It's like the universe is testing me on the week my therapist is away. There were several stormy nights (I don't deal well with wind) and last night, a very loud live rock band playing until midnight nearby. I know it was a Friday, but this is a residential area, even if we're near downtown. And of course, the non-emergency police number had me on hold for 17 minutes. I finally gave up and eventually fell asleep around 1am. I don't do well with sleep disturbances and such. Plus, we can't really go anywhere until Monday because someone, who knows, hit my brother's car windshield with a hammer and he can't get in to get it replaced until Monday morning. (I live near the very downtown of a large city) I know we're lucky to not have had anything happen before and that it's not worse, but it's a bit aggravating to stay in because I *have* to, if that makes sense. Just... argh. I also had goals to do some sketching, and I haven't really been in the mood to do art. I just think all the crud accumulating is getting me down this week. I'm trying, but I feel very blah and numb. Trying to stave off the blah doesn't really do much, either.

[Armadillo]

I'm sorry your sleep was so disrupted. it's such a vicious cycle once it starts, too. I'll be rooting for good sleep for you tonight. And that your blah mood lifts as quickly as you want it to. Until then...

Embrace the blah! It's got something to say!

[Jazzy]

Sounds rough CactusFlower; I'm sorry to hear all this is hitting you at a sensitive time! It's totally understandable that stuff would get you down. I think anyone would struggle with it all. I've noticed that a lot of bad things tend to happen at once, as well. Hopefully it passes soon and you can get back to your sketching and other helpful activities.

Sending you some strength to help make it through.

[CactusFlower]

Bit better lately. Some good things are happening to people I care about, so I'm sharing in their excitement and am happy for them. My cousin is getting a super sweet doggie and just has to wait another week or so for her to heal up well from the spaying. A good friend who's trans is finally getting surgery next week and is so happy to be even more their true self.

I wrote a little more on the questions in my CPTSD workbook last night. I mean, I read the questions and write in a word document. I don't write in the workbook because there's simply not enough room. It was talking about the various signs like emotional dysregulation, dissociation, all that. So I started with writing down examples from my own life that fit each one. Sheesh, it's like it basically wrote the blueprint of my life. It's very helpful in a way to be able to point to things and go, "oh, so that's why I do that/that explains that behavior completely." And at the same time, I'm all, "Ok, I see it. Now how do I FIX it?" And this is where my karmic test of learning patience comes in, ha ha. I just keep telling myself that it took the first 11 years of my life to survive it, I can't expect it to be gone overnight.

[rainydiary]

I thought of you yesterday as I saw a cactus with a beautiful flower on it while hiking in the mountains and it brought to mine your username.  It surprised me to see a cactus on this hike - I was in a wooded area, higher elevation, very green.  And there was this cactus. 

It struck me as beautiful but also a symbol for us of how we have survived in less than ideal conditions and can still show others our beautiful blossoms. 

I hope things keep moving in ways that feel supportive and good for you. 

[Jazzy]

This is beautiful! I'm so glad you are seeing that positivity.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you!

I moved to the SW of the USA, desert-ish mountains, about 2 and a half years ago when I finally left a very toxic 20-year relationship. I've always loved this climate and it has such a beauty of its own. That's exactly why some of my online presences now have names that have to do with cacti that flower. Survival in adverse conditions and even flourishing where others might not. I intend to eventually get a tattoo to mark this transformation in my life to the healing path (as I have other moments in my life), and a part of it will definitely be a cactus flower.

I haven't designed it, but I know I also want in the design a certain kind of local lizard that has a blue tail. If trapped by their tail, they can "shed" it to escape, and regrow it. And a chile pepper. They're associated with healing fire and healing foods in this area. So it'll all mean basically "I survived, I'm healing, and I intend to thrive".

[Jazzy]

This all sounds great CactusFlower!

Excellent job making those big changes in your life, to take care of yourself better! 

I've always associated the Phoenix with the idea of rebirth and surviving the impossible, but I really like the lizard and the chile too!

[rainydiary]

Sage, I love this story.   

[Armadillo]

That's beautiful cactus flower.