Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

I think I am processing a lot today.

I was clearing out some stuff that happened to be from last school year.  Earlier this week I had a dream with one of my former students in it.  I hope he is doing ok - he was my favorite and I miss working with him. 

But seeing it all, I have flashes of the faces of some of my coworkers.  I want to yell and scream and make them understand how much they hurt me.  Right now it occurs to me: I escaped that prison and they are still in it.  The ways they treated me are about them and not me.  Certainly I could have done "better" but they could have too. 

I feel appreciative of the people giving me references for my applications but also wonder: "Why did you all just stand by and leave me to the wolves?"

I'm trying to handle the thought of various social engagements coming up.  My instinct is to never leave my house.  Some of that is my nature.  But a lot of it is also fear. 

My birthday is coming and so is a visit to my parents for the holiday.  I haven't told my parents I quit my job.  I don't think they would speak supportive words and would resort back to abusive behaviors if I told them.  Yet it hurts me that I haven't told them.  I think I am grieving that we don't have a relationship where I can honestly say what is going on in my life.  I know they would understand and I would like to think they wouldn't want me to stay in a job where I am actively being bullied...but emotionally I know they wouldn't be able to hold it together.  This hurts and it hurts that I feel like I am lying to them to maintain safety. 

I hope this afternoon I can take it easy. 

[Larry]

i hope you can toake it easy as well,  sending early birthday wishes your way !

[rainydiary]

Thank you, Larry I appreciate it.
........

Well, I found a way to tell my parents I don't have a job.  I lied but it was a lie that feels reasonable.  I told them that given all the gun violence in schools, I am needing a break.  We do currently live in an area that has had a lot of school gun violence and the impact of it is a lot to deal with. 

They seemed understanding about it or at least said supportive words.  I hope it won't turn into a concern when we visit later this month.  I do have a lot of money saved up and I am sure I will be able to figure out a job somehow. 

I have had a relatively chill afternoon.  Tonight my husband and I are going to a comedy show that was supposed to happen last summer.  It is a comedian we have seen before and usually enjoy.  Hopefully it is a fun evening. 

[Larry]

sounds fun !  i love comedy shows,  i hope you have a great time !

[Armee]

A comedy show sounds perfect.

You're doing a great job managing the uncertainty right now. You'll find the right thing. It sounds like training your field in trauma informed care may be in your future, one day.

[Not Alone]

I like Laura Ingalls Wilder also.

You care deeply for your students. Whatever school district hires you will be fortunate to have you.

When I read about you crying in yoga, it brought to mind something that Carolyn Spring said. "Crying is a social signal for support, not just a catharsis of emotion.           . . .    It's [crying] not manipulative. It's normal. It's a way of getting support." (Unshame, pp. 56-57)

Glad you found a way to tell your parents about your job. I hope that they remain supportive, or at least not negative and hurtful.

[rainydiary]

Larry, I often enjoy comedy shows too.  Being around crowds to attend them is tough. 
.....
Armee, thank you, I appreciate your support.  I try to bring trauma informed approaches and it hasn't been well received by other adults but I know the kids have benefited.
.....
Not Alone, I've been learning a lot from reading the book about Laura Ingalls Wilder.  It is making me think a lot about our collective trauma as a culture and society.  I appreciate you sharing about Carolyn Springs - when I have more space in my mind, I plan to look at her blog that you shared. 
........

This weekend so far has been weird. 

The comedy show wasn't as fun as ones in the past.  The comedian spoke about difficult topics like death and illness which is triggering for my husband.  I think we both got overwhelmed by the crowd and being around so many people.  We left the show early - that was mostly planned as we needed to catch a train back home. 

On Saturday we ran a 5K and had a good time.  I completed the first day of my last weekend of yoga training.  My cohort that I've been in has made plans to stay connected after the training and I hope to challenge myself to stay in touch when it feels right to do so. 

After my training, my husband and I decided to get some dinner.  We tried ordering through mobile apps at a fast food restaurant.  They had a lot of issues at that place and claim our orders weren't received.  They weren't willing to help us figure it out as they were very understaffed and busy. 

My husband got so mad and started getting into argument with the employee.  I told him we should just leave.  I thought he was walking out with me but he stayed in the store for a while.  I felt bad about this moment later as that exchange clearly triggered something in him and I worried I felt him leaving alone. 

In moments like this when he is triggered, I find myself not knowing what to do always.  I stay calm but worry it comes across as aloof to him.  At the same time, this isn't my work to do and I can only do as much as he is willing to engage in.  We sort of talked about it later when we went to a different place to eat and he shared that he sees he didn't handle the situation very well. 

I was really inspired this time by the part of Pete Walker's book on CPTSD where he talked about conflict.  I see how little I engage in conflict even in conflict with lower stakes like expressing my opinion.  I decided to ask my husband about that moment in the first restaurant.  I tried sharing how I felt and asked what he needs in the future from me.  He didn't know how to answer that question but I feel good for trying to approach the topic. 

[dollyvee]

Hi rainy,

You're right, he problem just needs some time to think about it and reflect on what he needs from you in a situation like that and is aware that you want to be supportive in the future. He'll probably appreciate that and it's opening up communication.

dolly

[Armee]

That's really kind of you to ask your husband what he needs.

I'm sorry your efforts haven't been well received yet by your colleagues. You've been in some tough work environments and I hope your next will be supportive and collaborative.

Congrats on your yoga training!!!! Do you have ideas what you want to do with it yet?

[rainydiary]

Dolly, thank you.  I have a hard time not doing things for others.  I'm learning the nuance of creating opportunity or space for the other person to do what they will do. 
.....

Armee, I am trying to challenge myself to put more of my thoughts out there especially in my marriage.  I am a very inward person and realize some things need to said out loud. 
.........

Today I completed the yoga training I started in June.  I learned so much and it has been supportive of my journey. 

My dream is to create a business where I work exclusively with stuttering and neurodivergent communication.  I would like weave yoga into that.  I'm not exactly sure how to be the kind of speech language pathologist I want to be and still follow the "rules" I need to follow to keep my license and certification.  What I really want to be is a person that creates space for folks to unravel all the unhelpful things they have been taught about their communication and move forward differently to communicate in ways that are empowering to them. 

I am feeling up and down today but mostly up. 

[Not Alone]

My dream is to create a business where I work exclusively with stuttering and neurodivergent communication.  I would like weave yoga into that.  I'm not exactly sure how to be the kind of speech language pathologist I want to be and still follow the "rules" I need to follow to keep my license and certification.  What I really want to be is a person that creates space for folks to unravel all the unhelpful things they have been taught about their communication and move forward differently to communicate in ways that are empowering to them. 

That's beautiful. My hope for you is that there are many people along your path who support your dream emotionally and practically.

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, thank you.  I am feeling less afraid of taking this step and putting myself out there but am not quite there yet.
..........

I am finding myself in a lot of emotion this morning.  It feels different than trauma fueled emotion but rather emotion based on processing my gratitude and how far I've come.

I am catching up on a weekend retreat that I missed for my yoga training and started crying based on two things - one is how every session starts with a "drop in" (which is usually a meditation to start the time together rather than just jumping into lecture or discussion) and the other is how in this training time was always given to folks to share what in their heart. 

I cried because I see how much society pushes us to go fast and jump right in and not stop but keep going going going.  I am realizing that without a job I am not rushing as much.  I am taking time to care for myself for the sake of caring for myself without worrying about what jerks might think. 

I am also crying because of late I've noticed a shift with my husband.  I've been feeling impatient when he does or says things that I know are direct quotes or thoughts from his parents and family of origin.  I am noticing that in the past I think he has hid very well how much social anxiety and insecurity he has behind being mad at and blaming me for things that aren't my fault.  And how I've played into that dynamic. 

I notice myself not overreacting to him as I have done in the past.  I think he is starting to face things in his own way and if he needs to say the garbage his parents taught him, then he can say it and I don't have to own it.  I'm also noticing how he is sharing genuine preferences and needs.  Last night he shared that our blanket is too hot on the bed.  I agree and just hadn't said anything.  So we changed it.  He also spoke to me just now about stresses he is facing which is not something he has done in the past. 

I notice I've been upset with him for some of the things he has planned for my birthday and that I am reacting from the past.  When I really consider how his family acts and treats one another especially on birthdays, I see that he has poor ideas about how to celebrate someone else.  I see that he is trying really hard to think of me and plan special things.  I see that I haven't expressed strong preferences about what I want for my birthday mostly because I don't know.  If I don't know, how is he supposed to know?

Today I just feel so changed.  Not as stuck in my grief and pain.  I imagine I'll circle back to those feelings as life tends to move in a spiral, but for now I hope to enjoy and appreciate the calm I am in. 

Thank you to all of you for reading and sharing here as it helps me a lot too. 

[Snowdrop]

Your business dream sounds wonderful. I can just imagine the healing it would bring to other people, and the satisfaction you'd get from it too. But only when you're ready .

Today I just feel so changed.  Not as stuck in my grief and pain.

This is so lovely to hear. You've come such a long way, Rainy.

[Larry]

so good to hear you are feeling well,   
you are amazing !

[Armee]

This is beautiful Rainy and i hope my time off brings such clarity and shift.