Turbulence in my marriage TW

[Pioneer]

Feeling sad right now and exhausted. I am laying down with blankets and feel some relief but also want to get some very vulnerable thoughts and feelings out.

My husband and I have been working on our relationship, especially since we have come to a safe location away from my NPs who severely manipulated our marriage. And overall we are growing and developing a safe relationship again - we used to feel very safe with each other and could talk about anything.

I have only known about CPTSD since this past year, but we've known for a few years now that I often see my h as my attacker, and in turn I attack him with my distrust, words and actions. As a result, I have avoided him and not really talked to him for weeks at a time in the past. And I would treat him with disgust. And as ironic (and possibly crazy) as this sounds, the only way he has found to get past those emotional barriers is to raise his voice at me and get harsh. It works, through, and snaps me out of it to where I remember that he is safe.

I had a counselor awhile back that I expressed some of this to (though at the time I understood less of what was happening to me emotionally) and she acted like my h was abusive and that he might leave one day. This sent me into a scary spiral of CPTSD and depression, and I soon got myself a different counselor...but the painful effects and doubts of that experience have remained. My h has been very faithful, understanding, and he feels just as scared (if not more) when I start to distance myself from him because it ultimately means that I'm going to a scary place emotionally and mentally. And it also causes him physical pain because stress exacerbates his health issues.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? I've felt scared to tell people (though I've told a few friends who know us) that my h yells at me sometimes. And he'll slam the door at times - which is also very effective for arousing my anger and grief which in turn helps me climb out of the pit of fear and shame that I am in. It's like he has to awaken my healthy protective state.

We had a incident today where I had been controlling something for awhile which did not turn out well, and he told me that I need to learn to communicate better. This is true. But I took it as an attack and started getting defensive and lying to him. And of course, he saw through all that. And then he got harsh. So, now I am shocked back to my senses and recovering. And he has to lay down to recover his body and emotions too. And as a result, we are sabotaged once again. And this cycle is so repetitive and frustrating.

But I do see that healing is happening. Thanks for listening.

[Bella]

That sounds really exhausting and stressful.. sorry to hear you're going through this. I hope you both can get to a more calm place in your relationship, and find better ways to communicate with each other. Relationships are so stressful at times, but also very rewarding.
I don't know what else to say, but sending you lots of support, and a hug if that's ok with you.   

[Pioneer]

Thanks Bella  Yes, stressful and rewarding are both words that apply here. Thank you for you support!

[Pioneer]

I wanted to give a brief update about my recovery with my husband, since I left it in such misery last time. Healing is still happening. Today I was able to express some of my deep griefs to my husband and also express the sorrow that I feel knowing that I hurt him sometimes. We both expressed our responsibility (a little for our actions of the past) for our actions going forward. And I cried a little, which has been incredibly difficult for me to do until pretty recently because the tears just wouldn't come. Healing is happening.

[Bella]

So happy to hear your update, Pioneer!
Communication is truly everything! One can have all the love in the world for each other, but without the ability to communicate that love, you don't get anywhere! Good thing you were able to talk it through!
I haven't really had tears for a while, either... I long for them actually... they are important in any healing process,  I think.

[Not Alone]

Pioneer,

I also have difficulties in my marriage, although it looks very different from what you experience with your husband. I just want you to know that I know that is really painful.

[Pioneer]

So happy to hear your update, Pioneer!
Communication is truly everything! One can have all the love in the world for each other, but without the ability to communicate that love, you don't get anywhere! Good thing you were able to talk it through!
I haven't really had tears for a while, either... I long for them actually... they are important in any healing process,  I think.

Thank you, Bella! Yes, communication really is so crucial. It is a growing process and also worth the pursuit.

I have also longed for tears for a long time. They have started to come more easily lately, and I'm really thankful for that. I hope you'll be able to have tears soon - when you need them.

[Pioneer]

Pioneer,

I also have difficulties in my marriage, although it looks very different from what you experience with your husband. I just want you to know that I know that is really painful.

Thank you for sharing, notalone. It means a lot that you can empathize with me. Though I am very sorry that you know it is very painful to go through. I hope that you will gradually see healing in your marriage, even if it feels like it's been slow. I know it has felt slow for me. There are a lot of things that we can't see happening that sometimes become more visible overtime. 

[rainydiary]

Pioneer, I appreciate you being open and sharing.  It makes me feel a little safer to say I experience turbulence in my marriage too.  I'm not exactly sure how to put into words my experience but will try some.

I see my husband's family as toxic and I am as low contact with them as possible.  It is through my struggles with them that led me to understand my abusive upbringing and to understanding CPTSD.  I am already fairly low contact with my FOO so that has been ok.

As I've unraveled things a bit more I realize my issue is with how my husband has responded to the way his family behaves.  I truly believe deep down he knows what they do is not ok but has not found his own way out of the FOG.  I don't know if he ever will and it honestly makes me feel ill.

As I look at our relationship together. We were not emotionally or psychologically healthy and in many ways were adult children given our experiences.  As I have grown and changed, it makes me see our relationship differently and it honestly scares me what it means.  I've had several people in my life (all women who have been divorced) read their story and experience into mine and it scares me. 

I see my husband making changes and I see him being responsive to me.  I am still so afraid that one day he will choose his family over me (which I am don't doubt has roots in both my own trauma). I know his mom would love if he lived with them and all I can feel from her is how my presence in her son's life ruins her desire to keep him her little son for ever. 

We went through an especially rough patch in Nov 2019 when his brother died.  His brother's death is what pushed me into acknowledging my own trauma and given that I needed a lot of distance from his family that holiday season which led to some very unpleasant conversations (many of which I know were planted by his mother)."  We were just starting to rebuild when the pandemic happened.  I'm in a place right now where I can't tell if my struggles are because we've been together so much more given the pandemic or if I need to rethink my choices. 

I'm not sure if this is what you were seeking from your post but I appreciate the chance to share.   

[Pioneer]

Thank you for opening up and sharing about your marriage, rainydairy. I know that takes a lot of courage. I have also had to experience feeling a little bit safer in order to share. I think it helps when we take little steps together, even just listening and acknowledging the confusion and pain.

From my own experiences, I can relate some to what you said about your husband's family and the effect on him. Personally, I have also had to learn just in recent years that my family is toxic and I've gradually discovered the full effect on me. And my FOO did much to plant seeds in my mind against my husband (and planted seeds and lies in his own mind about being "worthless"). It has caused us so much pain, and I am still working on unravelling all the roots that tell me that my husband is my enemy. It is a strong influence.

I am glad that your husband has been able to make some changes and become more responsive to you and that you were working on rebuilding your relationship. I am sorry that things got really hard though when the pandemic started. We have also had some of our roughest moments since the pandemic started, though different circumstances. We went no contact with my FOO shortly after the pandemic started and we moved away. This new freedom sent off a huge mess of struggles for us - I think all the trauma needed to come up to the surface before we could start to clear it away.

I have also had lots of fears of my husband leaving. This is trauma driven fear for me as well. My h has been very clear, though, that he isn't going anywhere which had been healing for me. It still needs to be a regular reminder from him.

I am very sorry for your pain and the confusion and fears, rainydiary. I can really relate to your pain. And I'm glad you felt a little safer to share. Sending you a hug, if that's ok 

[rainydiary]

Pioneer, I appreciate your words.  It is helpful to know I am not alone in navigating difficult moments.  I think this week especially I have been struggling with how awful asking/seeking support can feel for me.  In the end I think it is often helpful to speak up and that my awful feelings afterwards are echos of the past.  I hope you continue to find healing in your relationship. 

[Pioneer]

Thank you, rainydiary! And those are wise words. It is hard to ask for help, it just doesn't feel safe, but the past is what taught us to feel that way. I am also glad not to be alone 

I know that I don't know all of your story, rainydiary, but I know enough to be proud of you. Keep pressing on!