Explaining trauma/abuse to my little one

[Pioneer]

I have been thinking about how to better explain to my six year old daughter about my malignant narcissistic parents who we had to move away from and go NC with recently. She always got really excited about them coming to visit, only to be shattered by broken promises and traumatized by their neglect and emotional abuse (like I had been), but she still liked them and kept wishing for those few good moments she would have with them. She has missed them and has struggled to fully understand why we had to move away. We have explained to her that they hurt us. And that they wouldn't listen. And that they wouldn't admit to any wrongdoing on their part. And I've seen her little mind try to wrap around this whole thing.

Our decision to go NC has significantly changed her life. For the better we confidently believe. But how do we help her to more fully see that?

My husband and I ended up letting her stay up a little late watching a movie tonight - it was a last minute thing and we picked a Winnie the Pooh movie. How bad could that be as far as triggers go, right?

The character Rabbit was portrayed as incredibly narcissistic and unwilling to listen to anybody, care about anyone but himself and was very unwilling to change. The movie portrayed so many of the characteristics of what we had to go through. Toward the end, the narrator had to "step in" and show Rabbit the future - where everyone had moved away from him. And that got Rabbit to decide to change. There were so many triggers for me in that movie. I made it through with some heightened anxiety and a little panic - my husband said we could stop the movie if we needed to, but I'm glad we finished it.  Afterwards, I was about to tuck my daughter into bed and she was very focused on drawing a picture before bed. It turned out to be a picture of her and her grandparents doing a fun activity with together - I think her fondest memory with them. I asked her if she missed them, and she does. I told her that was ok. I was able to then compare Rabbit in the story and tell her about how her grandparents were in many ways just like Rabbit. And how his unwillingness to change and hurtful ways made everyone move away - because sometimes we have to protect ourselves. I told her that it made sense to miss them though, too. She said to me that I probably miss them, too. And I told her that I do in some ways, but that I am also very scared of them. I think that statement took her a bit off guard. But I also think the frankness and honesty of the conversation was what she needed. She told me, "It helps if you can tell me what is going on." I told her that I have wanted to tell her more but that's not been hard for me (I've been dealing with a lot of CPTSD). I told her that we should be praying for her grandparents because God might be able to work on their hearts. But I also said that it is ultimately their decision whether on not they want to change. So we prayed together.

What tough concepts for a six year to try to understand! My heart goes out to her. Do any of you have experience trying to explain to a young kid about the abuse/trauma? How have you approached it?

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry I don't have any experience with that, but want to let you know that the way you explained it really appeals to me and more particularly to some of my Younger Blueberries. They're even helped by your explanation. Which is really good because Adult me often draws a total blank on explaining this kind of thing to children (ICs or real children of my acquaintance.) I can feel that your explanation is heart-felt and genuine! Thank you. 

[Not Alone]

Sounds like you are handling it really well by not giving her too much information, but not keeping secrets and trying to explain the situation in ways she can understand. I also like that you are affirming her feelings.

[Pioneer]

Thank you both for your affirmation!  It's encouraging. Blueberry, I'm glad that the explanation was helpful to you  I think it was good practice for me, and the inner child me, to try to explain the situation to my daughter. I'm sure it was healing in ways I can't fully fathom right now. It's teaching me to bond more with my daughter and it soothes my inner child.

[Blueberry]

  

[Picasso]

Hi Pioneer,  I just wanted to say that how you handled it was beautiful.  I was really touched by how you shared emotion with her in saying you miss them too but are scared of them.  It seemed like that was a real bonding experience for both you.  It sounds like you handled that well and really as best you could. 

I don't have any tips or insights to share about speaking to your daughter about CPTSD.  I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter as well and I'm already thinking about how I will talk to her about it, how much to reveal, etc.  I was definitely overshared with as a kid and I don't want to do that with her.

[Pioneer]

Hi Pioneer,  I just wanted to say that how you handled it was beautiful.  I was really touched by how you shared emotion with her in saying you miss them too but are scared of them.  It seemed like that was a real bonding experience for both you.  It sounds like you handled that well and really as best you could. 

I don't have any tips or insights to share about speaking to your daughter about CPTSD.  I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter as well and I'm already thinking about how I will talk to her about it, how much to reveal, etc.  I was definitely overshared with as a kid and I don't want to do that with her.

Hi Picasso! Thanks for the affirmation and for sharing about your own daughter! I also have a toddler girl, and I have also been wondering how it will go as far as explaining the situation to her. I know it will be different for her since she doesn't have the relationship my older daughter had with my NPs. I think that my older daughter will play a role in explaining to her sister about the abuse and trauma, as she likes to teach her about things, so it will be interesting to see how it all comes about. That also makes explaining the situation to my older daughter even more significant and critical. I have to remember, though, that kids really do understand things better than we think they can - we just don't give them enough credit a lot of the time. So, I'm guessing they will both gradually understand it as they watch our actions and recovery, hear our conversations and listen to what we tell them. And I am hoping they will understand it all in a good, healthy way.

[Alter-eg0]

Hi Pioneer,

I just wanted to say that I think you're doing a great job of conveying a complicated thing to your daughter. What a blessing too, in a way, that a childrens movie contains such content in an understandable way, and that you could make the link.
It must be such a hard thing to navigate, and I think your openness and honesty dosed in an age appropriate way, is awesome. I think you can never know beforehand how to handle something like this, and it's very much a one-step-at-a-time and figure it out as you go along kind of thing. And I think you're doing a great job.

Also, this topic is very valuable for me. I desparately want to start a family, and have already been wondering about how on earth I could explain to my children why grandpa is not around.

Take care

[Pioneer]

Thank you Alter-eg0 for the encouragement! You are right, it is a step at a time process. I often feel like I'm not doing really well. I get impatient a lot and I lash out in ways I was taught to by my NPs. But day by day, I am  breaking through those chains.

Just today my husband encouragingly told me that I did something differently from how my NPs would handle the situation, and that was encouraging to me to see that. It's hard to see the positive growth a lot of times.

And the really amazing thing about kids is that they are pretty forgiving, especially if you apologize to them sincerely when you mess up and work toward changing your behavior. They can be your support and encouragement and coaches along the way too. The family unit can grow together