dont kow why i am like this, but im so wrecked

[wildrose7]

I don't know what caused this for me. My mother is overbearing... extremely opinionated and nothing is ever good enough. I can remember being coached before social occasions on how to behave, what I could and could not say. If we did anything to embarrass our mother she would emotionally wreck us. I would cry and would be so emotionally destroyed by her words that I literally could not think or speak. She still does this to me at 35 years old.

My real father is an addict. My step father is addicted to almost every drug and was very abusive to my mother. Not me, but I was always afraid.

My husband of 17 years never hit me, but he put me through every other form of abuse and I cannot write about it or I will have panic attack. I had attacks for 4 years to the point that I could barely live anymore. 3-4 a day. I used to cuddle up to my kids at night and try to calm down or otherwise I would pace with my phone in sheer panic ready to call 911.

I got away from my husband after fixing myself. Got daycare, a better job, vehicle so that I could leave. It took over a year. I met my boyfriend at the tail end of my marriage.

My boyfriend and I were amazing together until a year ago. He began triggering me by making similar comments my ex did. I would panic, the anxiety was unreal and I would explode. I started slamming my head into walls when we would fight sometimes because he just kept accusing me of things I didn't do. Cant write too much about that either, except my boyfriend went into a delusional psychosis so now I am dealing with that and am very torn... he has moved out and I want to work things out and so does he, but his beliefs are very strong and I cannot keep from being triggered by accusations.

I just started therapy have 6 children and am 8 months pregnant. I am in financial ruin and my mother has been helping. Problem is she is so negative and pushy and forceful with me I feel I would rather be homeless than have to hear her anymore. She was on me last night for 3 hours and I end up just balling my eyes out, hyperventilating, and agreeing to whatever she says. I have not been able to stop crying all day today and I feel so tired that my mind is moving slow. I cant focus. Its because she was telling me such awful things. Like to give my baby up for adoption that everyone would be happier, that she wants to have me committed, that I am an awful mother, and a lot of stuff about my bf.

Accusations can wreck me. I cant cope with anything, I am a doormat, I have no idea who I am, and I don't know how I feel about stuff most of the time. I cant make decisions, ugh... I hope I can figure this out.

[schrödinger's cat]

I'm so sad to hear this, wildrose7. It sounds like no matter which way you turn, people go mad on you. I wish I had any useful advice, but I don't even know what to say. You're not alone though. In my experience, emotional abuse is terrifyingly destructive and can wear you down to the bones.

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching," or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones (Engel, 1992, p. 10).
(source: http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/self-help-brochures/relationship-problems/emotional-abuse/)

From what I heard from the others here on the forum, your reaction is one that several of us have experienced, too. I mean the things you describe in your last paragraph - how it's really hard to set boundaries, how you don't have a strong sense of identity, how you're cut off from your own feelings etc. Knowing that you're not alone doesn't actually fix anything, I know. But in my experience, people are often ready to shame us for being that way, like it's a fault of character or something, and that's just wrong. It isn't. That's not what we are at all, that's simply a part of our injury.

When re-reading your post, I'm just stunned at how abusive your mother is. She sounds like an absolute bully. Do you think she could have a personality disorder?

Here's a link to the website of therapist Pete Walker. There are several free articles there. One you might find interesting is this one about the "4F defences" - the theory is that traumatic situations or triggers make you fall back into one of four possible responses, Fight, Flight, Fawn, or Freeze. Freeze is mostly about becoming immobile and dissociating, so if you find yourself unable to focus, or drifting off into daydreams, sleeping a lot, or vegging out in front of the TV, this might be something that's happening within you.

If you don't read anything else Pete has written, read this about ways to manage flashbacks.

I hope life will treat you a lot more kindly very soon. All the best!

[Kizzie]

Welcome to Out of the Storm WildRose, my heart goes out to you for all that you are going through  .  But you found your way to us, posted a good description of all that your are dealing with and that takes strength. Whether or not you can see it just now there is a wonderful self inside of you that is making her way as best she can and to my mind is doing an amazing job considering all that you have to deal with. 

I echo everyone's comments about finding some external support for yourself and your children so you do not have to rely on your M and take her abuse. If you aren't up to finding out what agencies are in your area, perhaps start with your physician (or any physcian, a walk-in if need be), and let them know what's going on.  They are connected to all kinds of resources and can get you where you need to go.  I fell apart early this year and finally went to my doctor and it was the best thing I could have done.

Once you have some support you can work on all the rest, for now you and your children just need a safe and supportive environment.  Please let us know how you're doing.