Dropping Everyone Like Flies

[Blueberry]

I know this is a very old thread and also that Phoebes hasn't been around for a while. However it's easier for me to respond here than set up a new thread, tho if you happen to come back on Phoebes and want me to make a separate thread, just say so and I will!

I feel as if my friends are dropping me like flies and I'm actually OK with that. If they think I'm that unhealthy emotionally-speaking without noticing their own character flaws...

Possibly my friends and acquaintances feel as if I'm dropping them like flies atm? I'm turning into a recluse partly due to shame about what I've made out of my life by this stage of the game, with that I often feel very different. 55 yo, can't work anymore, going on 80yo kind of thing. But feel too young to join in activities for seniors so hide at home.

I also find contacting people more strenuous than I used to and I do notice their character flaws / unhealthy behaviour emotionally-speaking. But maybe that's just 'normal' and I should put up with it to have some friends? Oh there's that 'should' again. But if I do put up with it for a while, I tend to go into shutdown. It's lonely here though. So, I no longer feel OK about dropping others like flies or them dropping me, or whatever is going on exactly. Tho otoh I do NOT like being with people who make assumptions about me, without knowing and without giving me a chance to say: "No. Not true." To be clear, I also notice my own unhealthy behaviour emotionally-speaking and my character flaws, but they seem a given for people around me, as in of course BB is all messed up. 

[TheBigBlue]

Hi Blueberry,
I hear so much tenderness and conflict in what you wrote. That push-pull between longing for connection and needing distance is something so many of us with CPTSD know well. It makes complete sense that you're withdrawing - shame, exhaustion, and shutdown aren't choices, they're nervous-system states. And noticing others' unhealthy behavior isn't you being "picky"; it's your trauma history protecting you from more hurt.
Feeling lonely and unable to tolerate certain people is a sign of how hard you've worked to survive. You're not dropping people; you're trying to stay safe in the only ways your system knows how. I'm really glad you shared this. You're not alone with it.