Owl's journal

buddy9832 · June 19, 2020, 02:52:49 AM

Hang in there owl, I'm sorry to hear your struggling. You have been making steps to heal and that's what's important. I can relate to being on the journey and feeling like you are not getting anywhere. It's like being on the open ocean with no way to gauge how far you've traveled. I hope one day you'll look up and see that you've gone miles.

Not Alone · June 19, 2020, 09:43:37 PM

Quote from: Snowdrop on June 18, 2020, 06:59:35 PM
There's quite a lot to IFS, and taken all at once it can be overwhelming. I found that some bits resonated with me, other bits didn't, and I just concentrated on the bits that resonated. You don't have to do everything at once. I found it best to take baby steps.

It might not seem like it, but you've already taken the first couple of steps. You're aware of parts, and you've started communicating with them. This is progress.

One step at a time. I know it's difficult.

Snowdrop · June 21, 2020, 08:47:06 AM

I hope you're doing ok, Owl. Thinking of you.

owl25 · June 23, 2020, 01:47:51 AM

Thanks for all your responses. I haven't had it in me to reply, or to respond to anyone else's posts elsewhere on the board. I also don't really have it in me right now to respond to what each of you said, otherwise I would.

I am feeling really disillusioned right now. I have been in therapy for well over a decade. No one should have that much therapy, and still be suffering. I am angry at my family, who left me with all this pain. I am angry at the experts and researchers out there, who haven't figured this out. I am angry I am struggling to find a T who can actually help me. I am so unbelievably angry that I have to work this hard to try to have some semblance of a life. The money I have spent on years of therapy, and where am I today? Sure, not depressed anymore. Sure, I'm functioning day to day, at maybe 50-60-70% of my capacity, depending on the day. But it's not enough. Life is hard, way harder than it ought to be. I have to work so hard to accomplish what a non-traumatized person would easily be able to manage. It's not fair. I worked SO HARD for more than a decade and this is where it lands me?? In hindsight, the therapy I got wasn't sufficient. It wasn't good enough. And I am struggling to find therapy that will be good enough. I am angry, angry, angry. It shouldn't be this hard. I am so very tired of living like this. I am so tired. Every day takes so much out of me. I can't stand it that I don't have the energy that I need and want so I can get out of the chaos that I have been living with all this time. I can't take it anymore. And yet, I'm stuck with it. I am tired of living in fear that belongs to the past and that I can't seem to resolve. I am so very tired of it. I am so tired of just getting by, of just coping. I don't want symptom management, I need a solution. I am furious that this is my life. I deserve better than this.

rainydiary · June 23, 2020, 02:08:27 AM

I appreciate you sharing as it helps me feel less alone in my loneliest moments to know that others are working on the things like I am and have the experience of trying to answer the question "WHY WHY WHY?!" I am still on my journey and appreciate having you and others here to help me find my way by sharing your story.

buddy9832 · June 23, 2020, 02:38:34 AM

Hi owl,

I'm so truly sorry to hear that your struggling. You do deserve better than this. You deserve peace. I know nothing I say would be sufficient enough but I hope peace and contentment finds you.

Hope67 · June 24, 2020, 12:30:38 PM

Hi Owl,
Sending you a hug

I hope you don't mind my saying that I think it's a big thing to be able to express and talk about your anger in the way you have - to talk of facing disillusionment and to feel angry about it. I wonder whether that's because you've been able to gain things from your T, and can truely 'feel' that. Please disregard anything I've said, if it is in anyway insensitive. I wasn't sure what to say at first, and then those words came to my mind, so I'm sharing them.

Hope

Not Alone · June 24, 2020, 10:45:33 PM

I hear your anger and frustration, and no, it's not fair.

Snowdrop · June 25, 2020, 08:58:48 AM

I hear your anger and frustration too. It's valid. You didn't choose to have this pain, and having things so hard isn't fair.

owl25 · June 25, 2020, 07:31:45 PM

Sorry, I can't respond to anyone right now, too much effort

The pain is really bad today. I feel like my life has passed me by. I wasted the last 14 years of my life trying to heal. The pain is worse than ever.

Every day I wake up to my life hoping everything is all just a bad dream. It's not. My parents are gone. I lost my mother in the worst way. I have no support network. I am in my mid forties, and am well aware that the clock is ticking and I won't live forever. What were supposed to be the best years of my life are gone. I lost my childhood family and relatives. They are gone. I feel so completely alone in the world.

I am so traumatized and I can't seem to find the help I need for it. I have no social skills. I am afraid of people, of being myself around them. People say insensitive things. I recently tried to come out of my shell a bit more and said something in conversation, and another person piped up and laughed at what I said. It made me feel so shamed, hurt, and angry. I still don't feel safe to be me because someone always thinks what I say is funny, when it's not meant to be.

Half my life is gone and this is the state I am in. What's even the point of my life when I lost everything that mattered to me? Everything that I wanted for myself?

I feel like there isn't even any point in reaching out to people when I am in pain, because no one is equipped to deal with it. No one can change the pain I am in. You only get one life and this is what mine has become. The pain is unbearable. I don't know how I am supposed to live this.

What's even the point in writing about any of this? No one can help. I can't change the past. I can't change what happened. Every day repeats itself. I wake up, remember the bad dream, then realize it's real.

I have no energy in me to properly take care of my family. My mood affects everything. I want better than this and I don't have it in me.

I feel like all I can do is just go through the motions. I can't stop crying.

buddy9832 · June 26, 2020, 02:24:15 AM

Owl, I am really sorry to hear that you are struggling and the pain you are in. It may not be much but please know at a minimum everyone on this forum cares about you and is here for you. I care about you. We all share similar stories and can relate to you.

I can relate to loneliness, not having family it haunts me everyday. But at the very minimum you have us.

As the saying goes it's always darkest before dawn. You need to carry on. Keep trying to heal. All storms eventually die. The winds will die down and the seas will subside.

I hope it will lead you to the serenity and peace that you deserve.

You are worthy and you are not alone.

Not Alone · June 26, 2020, 03:09:58 AM

Owl, I'm sorry you are hurting so much.

owl25 · June 27, 2020, 04:12:52 PM

Thank you for your words of comfort, buddy and notalone

owl25 · June 29, 2020, 11:39:03 AM

Woke up this morning and as every morning, when I realize I am awake and alive, I get scared. I think I am so frightened by merely being alive, because being alive gets me hurt. Maybe I should change that to, got me hurt. My parents are gone now. The family dynamic can no longer hurt me like it did before. But my mind and body haven't caught up to that knowledge yet. Existing means bad things are going to happen. Maybe it means knowing all these terrible things happened and that I do not have the power to change them. I am afraid of having to experience this nightmare again, having to live with this reality again with this new day. Every day I have to live with the choices I made that I wish I hadn't, given the way I understand things today. Having no contact with my mother and being unable to reestablish it was traumatic. Seeing her in her last days as she was dying was traumatic. Having no time to take the time I needed with her belongings was traumatic. The house being sold so fast and so quickly was traumatic. Piecing together her life and what she experienced is more grief I am facing. I wasn't there for her in the way I wanted to be and that hurts so much. Others try to remind me of the positives at the end, that at least I was there, and how grateful she was for that. I was there for her in her last days But it's not enough. I should have been there for much more than that.

owl25 · June 29, 2020, 10:29:36 PM

I spoke with a new person today. He said that the guilt may really just be grief. That the guilt is really saying, "I wish this had been different". I think that's probably true. If I feel guilt and then turn it into self-blame, it's really hard and painful but it doesn't hurt quite as much as just facing the loss. It hurts more to say, "I wish I had been there", without anything else added to that.

It's really hard to accept that maybe the whole situation was out of my control. I don't know though. I am struggling to let myself off the hook. All of this just feels like my fault. I wasn't strong enough and I should have been.

It helped briefly to talk about things today, but that relief has gone again. Next conversation is in 3 weeks. Wish I didn't have to wait so long. I have some exercises to try and do. Not sure how well that will go. It feels really painful.