More Concrete Steps, More Therapy Homework

[Blueberry]

Hey Blueberry,
Just wanted to say I understand and it's okay.
(Outside OOTS I might tell someone 'not to worry about it', but I know with us, it's not that simple.)
It's difficult or too difficult to keep up when we're not feeling well.
I hope the zoom group tonight will make you feel better. Or any other way, I hope you feel better soon.
 

Thank you DF! I'm sure I read this response of yours at the time but of course I didn't have the wherewithal to respond.

That was October. I still haven't caught up on my correspondence irl, or on here either probably, but I know that's generally / mostly understood here.

[Blueberry]

I now understand on a much deeper level how all those physical symptoms I get are directly related to trauma and that if I don't keep on top of them, keep using particular exhaling exercises and other exercises my T has taught me over the years, I end up getting sick. All the terrible colds I get, which are almost flu-like in their symptoms and keep me in bed for the best part of 2 weeks? They're due to emotions getting stuck in my throat, which I feel as a huge frog in my throat, rather than being processed outwards. When they get stuck, sooner or later they turn into a cold. As if being stuck in that spot they end up festering and then infecting my throat.

It's really interesting for me to re-read this atm. Partly because of huge-frog-in-throat which I had recently, mentioned on my private thread, and partially because I no longer get flu-like symptoms much, certainly not 4 times a year. I think that stopped when I stopped working freelance or working for pay at all. Altho I'm still having trouble accepting myself as no longer working-for-pay on normal job market, isn't it worth it to not be sick 4 times a year? I feel I "should" be able to respond to myself with "Yes, of course" but interestingly I can't.

I'm wondering what those exhaling exercises were I learned from T? Maybe if I go back far enough in my mind, I will remember. It was probably somatic stuff.

[sanmagic7]

i can respond for you, blueberry, if that's ok.  yes, of course, it's worth it to not be in the 'job market' in order to avoid being sick for so long so many times a year.  My D is going thru something similar which is why she's trying to get disability benefits.  she, too, knows it would benefit her health-wise to not have to worry about timelines, work pressure, appeasing clients all the while she's consistently too tired to function at peak level and feels bad most days.  yes, of course, it's worth it, for you as well as her. 

sending love and a hug filled with 'yes, of course'. maybe, eventually, you'll be able to say it as well.

[Blueberry]

I'm wondering what those exhaling exercises were I learned from T? Maybe if I go back far enough in my mind, I will remember. It was probably somatic stuff.

I don't know atm what they were either, but I've just been doing other mouth, jaw, tongue exercises that came spontaneously, so atm I can believe that I'll find those exhaling exercises when I need them because the trigger for them (and I don't mean 'trauma trigger'! but rather whatever-it-is that gives rise to them) is stored somatically. And/or stored with other similar memories from my time with T-of-8-years or my time with therapist U.S. Just a note for myself because I'm seeing images of her doing jaw loosening exercises with us to release emotional tension and probably physical tension during retreats. So yes, the answers are in me, I don't need to go to some therapy to learn new methods or... But I would like some direction, I think to myself. What's the next step? How long do I have to keep going with these mouth exercises? I think back to T-of-8-years saying that these are the sorts of things nobody can know, it's a case of trying whatever it is I want to do (in this case my duolingo lesson) and then going back to mouth/jaw loosening or whatever comes spontaneously including whole body shakes (I just saw that in my mind's eye and did it too). See-sawing back and forth. And I think back to what a fellow patient wrote in my book during an inpatient stay, something like it's the movement back and forth between two fixed points of 'healthy' and 'unhealthy' or 'good' and 'bad' or whatever exactly that brings healing. I interrupted my writing to go and get said book and saw blue on white that that inpatient stay was 25 years ago. A quarter of a century ago! Such is my life. I didn't find the quote, it must've been written somewhere else. Maybe by someone else. It doesn't matter, a perfect memory of 'stuff on the side' (can't remember the word in English) is over-rated.

I know, I seem to be writing on multiple journals of my own atm. It's a feeling of multiple strands coming together... to lead to something whole and... dare I say? healthy? That feels too daring. But then the answer is above - it's the seesawing back and forth, that movement that provides momentum to keep going and not get stuck.

Plus going back to the basics - the day-to-day grounding stuff like emptying the dishwasher, because it's fairly easy and involves standing both feet on the floor and taking things in my hands. And making space for the next load of dirty dishes. Basic but necessary.

A lot of the above just came out free-flow. I notice how much of it came as a result of my starting/continuing my journal on Activating. But it's all me, all mine, all flows together. That's the image I have. Streams, rivers converging.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i like the idea of strands converging.  something about that hit me.  in a good way.  i like that image, want to hang onto it.  it fits w/ the idea of so many different strands of abuse/trauma that have been dangling inside us, scaring us, jumping out and spooking us when we had no idea they were there. to be able to allow those strands to converge, either to wipe each other out or meld into each other, or whatever else strands might do could very much be a recovering possibility.

so glad you mentioned it.  thanks.  love and hugs