Falling. Trying to grab a limb.

[Not Alone]

This may be a bit rambling because I am falling. Trying to grab branches (talk to myself rationally), then the branch breaks.   

Therapist is now (until at least April 7) doing video chat sessions or phone sessions. I knew this might happen. I talked to myself about it before hand. I talked to one of the Littles about it. Yet, when he sent the emailing stating it, I felt that falling feeling. Grasping at logic, trying to stop the descent. Logic isn't strong enough to stop the fall.

Will write why I am falling and if I have any logic or reassurances will also write those.


>This is not safe. There are people in my house and even though they wouldn't intentionally listen, they might hear me.

>It is not safe to talk about the bad things while NOT with T.

>Hope (5 years old) has been dreading and waiting for the time to share her experience. Waiting for when we start having therapy 2x/week consistently. Waiting for the day when we have therapy that I don't have to go to work the next day. Now she has to wait. It has been hard to wait. Now it is put off. Don't even know for sure how long.

>I AM WASTING TIME. Been trying to catch up in therapy with new therapist. That already feels like  Now I am being pushed back further. Trying to make progress and pushed back, pushed back. Useless.

>Feel not safe and somewhat abandoned. Not quite.

>I am not good at technology and might not even be able to connect.

I also feel selfish that all this awfulness is going on in the entire world; people are losing jobs, really sick, and even dying; and I'm complaining about having to do video therapy instead of face to face. I am pitiful.

So much for the logic and reassurance.

[woodsgnome]

 This --  -- isn't logical, it may/may not be reassuring; I'm sorry, it's all I have, but I offer it as best I can.

[Bach]

notalone, dear, you are not selfish or pathetic. Your problems, your fears, your need to heal and your stress at the extra obstacles you now face in your efforts are completely valid. Please remember that and try not to waste your valuable energy beating yourself up. Therapy is difficult under the best of circumstances, so please don't scold yourself for your need to be heard as you deal as best you can with the challenges you face.

Although at this point in my treatment I can do therapy on the phone if I have to because I've had to do it before, I can fully empathise with your distress at the in-person unavailability of a therapist in a different but also crucial therapeutic area for me, which is my physical strength training. I have chronic pain that makes exercise difficult, plus emotional issues surrounding gym environments and physical exercise in general, so I was never able to consistently do physical conditioning until I found an amazing compassionate trainer who is able to understand and work with my issues, and is willing to come to my house. Now of course he cannot come here, and he has offered to do our sessions via video chat until he can come in person again, but I can't get my head around that. I don't even know exactly why, but "falling" is a good word to describe how I feel thinking about it. Strength training isn't about vanity for me, it is something that greatly benefits my physical function and mental health. I NEED it, and I should be able to do it on my own like millions of other people do, but I can't. So I must find a solution to this problem and I don't know how I will or what it will be.

I'm rooting for you

[Blueberry]

notalone, you are not pitiful or selfish. Your choices and worries aren't pitiful or selfish either.

I too am worried that neighbours might hear my T session inadvertently. It doesn't feel totally safe. I've never done anything like that before. I don't even have Skype. This building isn't very sound-proof either.

I'm not good at technology either and often have problems with computer stuff. I'm not worrying yet about connecting because I don't even have the instructions on how to from my T. But it definitely could be worrying when I get these instructions.

So you are not alone in this situation

It may seem you are being forced into backward steps - you say you (or part of you?) feels like you're wasting time. ime I learn and move forwards from even the most difficult situation during recovery. The forward movement is not noticeable immediately; sometimes it takes a long, long time to have a noticeable healing and strengthening impact, but it does. Meaning: you are probably not wasting time at all rn.

Remember: Baby steps count! You reached out

[Kizzie]

I'm sure Hope feels very frightened & upset right now. It's so hard for a 5 year old to understand any of this and to feel safe when the virus does put us at risk, interferes with life and our efforts to feel better and help them.

It might be helpful to talk with your T about all of this and see if they have any suggestions. Two thoughts I had might be to see if it would help Hope to write down what she needs to talk about for when you do go back face-to-face.  She could also draw pictures and/or do collages (could be about her trauma but also about positive things she wants).

Also, if you do want to make sure you're not overheard talking to your T there might be a place outdoors (depending on weather of course), a park bench or such where you can talk more freely and get some fresh air at the same time. It would mean doing so by phone though, unless you can find and sit in a free WiFi zone.

I hope this is helpful but if not plse ignore.  Sending you a big safe hug     

[Not Alone]

Appreciate everyone's support. Although I still feel some distress about doing therapy via skype, I am no longer in a free-fall triggered state.

A friend helped me to make sure Skype was working and when it came to connecting with T, the process preparing/connecting with friend was helpful. My first Skype therapy session went better then I expected. It clearly has limits, but still helpful.

Kizzie, I appreciate your suggestions. Regarding Hope, T asked me to tell Hope that his desire is to be in same room together, ASAP. Just knowing he is aware and thinking of her helps. Maybe during next Skype session Hope can come and just talk to him a little (not about trauma). That might be beneficial anyway since the relationship is new. When I read your response about talking outside, I looked out my window and there was snow on the ground! Houses are pretty close together where I live, so that wouldn't feel safe for me. I felt somewhat safe talking in my room. Turned on the bathroom fan for white noise.

Blueberry, thank you for the reassurance that I'm not being selfish. I hope your phone session went okay and that you felt safe enough. Trying to tell myself that I'm not wasting time. There is a part of me that feels frantic to get going. Maybe I should talk about that in next session.

Bach, thank you for your tender validation of my feelings. How is your strength training going? Did you meet with trainer via video chat?

Woodsgnome, hugs are very reassuring and comforting to me. Thank you.

[Kizzie]

Bathroom fan, of course       

Regarding Hope, T asked me to tell Hope that his desire is to be in same room together, ASAP. Just knowing he is aware and thinking of her helps.

Lovely! Maybe little Hope can tell him what she likes to do or would like to do that's fun     

[woodsgnome]

  It's so good to learn that your first non-local therapy went well. I know this was critical, making all those adjustments, feeling the anxiety kick in -- and so far, it's worked out.

I will be starting a similar process with my own T next week, as I'm sure is happening all over. It's strange; but I have the advantage of at least being very familiar with my T. Even the adjustment from in-person to voice only (I have no Skype for the visuals) might not be so bad. I recall sharing with my T a while back how sometimes I've noticed that when I hear, vs. seeing, certain video presentations, I've noticed I actually absorb more. I'm thinking that might relate to my proneness to dissociate in person with many people.

Regardless, while it's a bit foreboding, I'm far enough along with this to have learned how essential it is to trim the expectations (good or bad) to a minimum and, as they say, be in the flow.

Wishing you the best as you continue on this trail. And again -- congrats on staying the course; it shows great resilience and perseverance. In my parlance, that's way cool and admirable.

[Snowdrop]

I'm so glad it went better than expected, Notalone.

I like the idea of Hope talking to him about something other than trauma. I think it would help to build the relationship and trust between Hope and your T so that when you can meet in-person again, she might feel more reassured and comforted.

[sanmagic7]

glad to hear your skype session went better than expected.  i don't have skype, either, so phone conversations only. 

this is so frustrating for so many of us, and i don't think any of your concerns are selfish or pitiful or any other kind of negative.  we are all going thru something here, whether it be physical or emotional, and it's all valid.  just because we may not be sick in body like some, we still deserve help with the consequences of what we've gone thru mentally and emotionally. 

it sounds like your t is very aware and very caring toward all your parts, and that is reassuring to me. 

we're here for you, my dear.  love and hugs