coming to terms with cptsd for the first time

[Orion]

Hi all, this is my first time posting on this site/forum.  Over the past few months I've come to realize that I have a lot of symptoms of cptsd, not just ptsd.  I'm talking with my therapist tomorrow for the first time to get some guidance, but I wanted to post here to ask how people have dealt with cptsd in relationships and just in their general personal life?  The more I read about how much this messes with relationships and trust, I get so discouraged.  As I'm sure many of the members here can resonate with the following, I've always seen myself as being able to recover from stressful situations and persevere and make progress by "being strong" and smart, but personal relationships always fall apart as soon as they start to actually require me trusting anything.  I'm starting to believe that I need to 'warn' potential future partners about ptsd/cptsd, like this is a mental health issue I have and it's going to make getting close to me, like genuinely close to me, a lot harder than for a 'normal' person.  I've worked through multiple addictions (clean and sober now) and I've felt so proud that I could really rid my life of those 'diseases'.  But this one feels so crippling, it's inside my mind and all the literature says that my mind really is crippled in a way.  I don't know really what I'm looking for from this post, maybe just hope that learning more about cptsd + therapy there's actually hope for living a life where I don't perceive everything as a threat. Thanks for reading <3

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, Orion. As far as relationships go, I've been married for 37 years and it's just been in the last few years, since discovering cptsd and getting awareness about my symptoms and how better to deal with them, that our relationship has smoothed out. My husband has also been working on himself.

As far as your therapist, be aware that because cptsd is relatively new and the therapeutic community moves like an iceberg, you may not get as much info from your therapist as what you can learn here, on your own. Cptsd has not yet made it into the DSM and if your therapist is part of an hmo that requires their clinicians to use it, his or her hands may be tied as far as what she or he can say or diagnose you with.

Here is a link to some info you can provide your therapist with. I'm sorry if I sound abrupt or terse, language is difficult for me today. Best wishes.

https://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads

[Rainagain]

Hello Orion,

Your post is something I wonder about often.

I dont think warning people does much good, it's not something people understand who dont have cptsd in my experience, and that can include therapists too.

Another way of looking at it is that it isnt simply a problem which has been added to who you are, it is actually a part of who you are now.

Like any other characteristic, others just have to learn to get to know who you are for themselves.

It's the whole person that matters, if you are kind and thoughtful then being wary is just another part of being you.

If people can work it out themselves then great, if not then explanation doesnt seem to change outcomes for me.

It's good to try to work on managing cptsd, but I think it's also good to accept it as a fact of life, a natural response to bad experiences which is perfectly understandable if you have had those experiences but hard to grasp if you have not.

For me this matter of fact approach gives me less shame and less anxiety somehow, but getting a good level of acceptance has been tough and might be the nearest I will get to recovery.

There is a quote or saying (desiderata maybe?) which is something like - give me the strength to change the things I can and the strength to accept the things I cannot change.

So, be proud that you have changed your addictions, and be willing to be kind to yourself and accept the things which you cannot change.

If you can accept yourself now as well as in a hopefully improved future then It might make it easier for others to accept you for who you are. And if they dont then that is another thing to try to accept.

You have achieved a lot already.

[Jazzy]

Wow, that's a great reply. Thank you Rainagain.

Its really tough. I've had a lot of trouble with relationships too, but I have had a few very good friendships that worked. One thing I'm still trying to accept is that friendships end. It doesn't always mean someone is at fault, sometimes it is just how life goes.

I don't know about warning people, but it might be a good idea to mention you've had difficulties with trusting people in the past, at the right time... whatever you feel comfortable with, I  guess.

I don't know really what I'm looking for from this post, maybe just hope that learning more about cptsd + therapy there's actually hope for living a life where I don't perceive everything as a threat.

That's a great goal. I encourage you to read, there is a lot here... and of course, post when you feel comfortable. I'm not sure if the feeling of hyper vigilance (everything a threat) ever completely goes away, but sometimes it is a lot better than other times. I'm sure it depends on the person and where they're at mentally.

Take care!

[Ambassador]

Orion-
Thank you for your post. While I can't speak much on coming to accept it yet (my diagnosis and discovery of having CPTSD and not "just anxiety and depression" is only a few months old), it has been something that I've been struggling with especially lately. Specifically, accepting that there is anything wrong at all, and not just something temporary that will pass soon. I can relate to worrying that I should warn people about it, but my mindset has shifted somewhat to a lighter note; a more matter-of-fact "this is what I deal with, I'm working on managing it, but it's something that is part of my world and is important for you to know if you want to be part of it". So far I find that a decent amount of people are understanding (but may need to be educated) about it. The thing about it is, in this day and age, a lot more people deal with triggers and things like anxiety than is outright spoken. It's a fairly common thing.

At the beginning of this year, my mind was caustic. It felt like every moment of every day, there was nothing but hatred and deeply ingrained flaws and self-destruction. I wouldn't have even been able to type this, acknowledging it, because I would have been emotionally internally flogged for it. And it felt indescribably, absolutely and undoubtedly, permanent in how it would always be that way.

These days, I find a lot of hostility inside still. But I also find moments of light and love, the kind that I had always dreamt of having someone else give me, coming from my own heart and self. I feel like the person I was before abuse - the child I have memories of and have spent my life trying to return to, one of freedom and confidence and never doubting worth - for longer and longer moments. At the start of my recovery, I could only access this for a fragment of a second maybe once a month if I was lucky. Now it can last ten minutes or so, and a milder version - one of acceptance, hope, and what I feel a lot of us refer to as "normal" often bubbles up. Spontaneity, playfulness, hope. It isn't permanent, and progress has been very slow, but it is getting better, even when I feel like I'm messing things up and undoing progress. A lot of the hostility has softened somewhat, more like advanced agitation, and there is often a kind of internal hesitation instead of automatic self-attack.

I do feel most of the time that everything and everyone is out to get me (hypervigilance), but it has made a world of difference to envision this symptom as a person within myself who gets scared and takes over. I have a name for him, he has his own look and preferences, and I talk to him as a person, and that helps me remember that he is not me. I do this for all my symptoms (it's a therapy modality called Internal Family Systems), and it's enough to help me remember and experience myself as not being CPTSD, but someone who struggles with it. It's the difference between being A Crippled Person and a person whose legs no longer work. A subtle but life-changing difference. Talking to him this way and reassuring him in a non-denial way tends to help me see things more realistically; like maybe the cashier at Safeway isn't going to kill me. It's still a knee-jerk reaction, but each day with practice I'm getting better at catching it more, catching it faster, remembering it's a flashback (which often is enough to "break" the hold flashbacks have and restore my memory as an adult person), and recovering, as well as being triggered less often altogether.

It may not be curable, but as time goes on and the subtleties become more familiar (like what triggers you and what you can expect to feel when it does), it does become significantly less of an issue. It's like moving to a new place; at first everything is new, you don't know where anything is, sounds are unexpected and weird and overwhelming, but after a while you learn where to find things, what sounds are normal and when, how things work, and eventually everything in it is comfortably familiar. It can also be analogous to inheriting a large garden of unknown plants with no instructions; at first it's a lot, you don't know which is what or what to do, some plants are withering and dying, others are overgrowing. But over time, through trial and error and snippets of advice from other gardeners, you learn what kind of sun each plant needs, when to water certain ones, when certain ones flower, what fruit they produce and when, and eventually you know how to navigate problems, properly nurture each plant, and things go much more smoothly.

At the risk of sounding cliche; it gets better. Even if it feels like it absolutely without a doubt for sure won't, or that you're somehow the exception. I know it's true because I'm experiencing it, even though I was the one who believed wholeheartedly that literally everyone else had that certain something that made improvement possible for them but not me. You're trying, and the trying alone makes a massive difference. And as time goes on, the silver lining will start to come out; lately I've been learning how my hypervigilance - noticing tiny little otherwise-insignificant details - also means I am acutely aware and able to appreciate subtleties in art and music, which allows me to experience them much more richly. I'm sure they're there for you too, and am confident you can find a way to harmonize with what's going on.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi orion
Thank u for posting and congrats on clean and sober time (me too).
I remember when I first was reading about cptsd I felt some doom like gee I'm so flawed and it's hopeless.
I've pleased to say I'm moving through that now. I've been doing trauma therapy for 2 yrs and my current therapy is all around relationships based on looking at the models I grew up with and how they play out in my life today creating traps.
We are working on finding solutions and the exits to doing things differently. Yes trust is a big one for us.
I am really seeing my belief system about myself on a deeper level and have moved through some deep pain to healing. I'm developing better boundaries with people and moving away from the black and white Ness in relationships.
The more I heal and get intimate with myself the more I believe I will be able to have functional relationships.
There is much hope!
It takes time and patience and the healing continues.
It seems all human beings have issues with intimacy and relating to some degree.. So yes I'm different but gee it's no wonder.
I get to heal some people never do.
I have a lot of people I am close to in 12 step but in terms of having people for hanging out socially close friends /friends /partner not at the minute. That is down to letting go of some toxic friends lately.
I'm not beating myself up I was powerless over who I was friends with when I wasn't as conscious.

Be gentle with yourself. So much is possible. Time heals with recovery and getting what we need

[Boatsetsailrose]

I believe we can trust when the time is right when enough healing has happened. It won't happen until it is the right part of our recovery.
Like I still can be v hypervigilant. I need to check everyone in my space or I have unfounded fear that I'll get verbally attacked. This v v rarely has happened since foo but I still have it.
I'm learning to sit in my own energy and not need to check everyone.
Not trusting is a really good self protection we are actually looking out for ourselves. Of course then it becomes outdated, we gain awareness of it.. Move to acceptance and action ie therapy /healing /being here etc.