I don't even know what this is

[dollyvee]

Hi Blueberry,

Good work for spending time with this part.

I'm finding that I have "go-haywire" parts too (though I find haywire difficult as it was something I was called growing up  and know it as something wrong/bad). I've been learning that there's "feelings," or body sensations really, that are associated with these and a lot of the time they're so automatic and ingrained because, as t suggested, they're from such a young age, which makes them difficult for me to "pick out."

Sending you support,
dolly

[Kizzie]

It seems like a sign of health that you call this part by the name Blue BB.  It sounds to me that doing this means the part is integrated and not some weird part you'd rather see gone or that is dissociated from you. 

[Blueberry]

Oh, you're right Kizzie it is! And with this Part integrated, having been able to take form (I have an image of her and it's nothing like what Go-Haywire was) and have her say, all those fears of that particular non-integrated part taking over are gone. The name Blue is not actually connected to Blueberry, Blue doesn't know about the forum, it's not within her world, I'm not holding it from her, she's just not interested.

Thank you for your support, dollyvee. I'm sorry you're triggered by my word usage. I'm actually translating because I always talked about the non-integrated part in the local language, never English, still I want a translation that feels appropriate so that down the line, I recognise what this post was about. Blue doesn't like the name Go-Haywire either, tho she's not triggered, she's just sad about the way she had to act to make me take note.

[Blueberry]

Sometimes I re-read my old threads.

Reading the final post here - I can't believe I wrote that less than a year ago. It does show me I have made real progress since last fall which I can feel when I read the post! It helps me believe that dipping back into EFs might be a way to avoid going too far into something.

Re-reading old threads again and landed here.

It's an apt thread for me atm. Reminding me how difficult it is for me to write. And there are so many things to write atm, some harmless-seeming like Wedding Congrats to the daughter and now son-IL of good friends in town, so nothing to do with FOO. I do know their daughter and have met her H a couple of times, and she won't be offended or something that my card will be on the late side, since her own parents are rather disorganised too... But I guess none of that cognitive stuff is the reason for my stalling anyway.

ETA: Plus there are some much harder things to write, maybe they're on my Mbr journal.

I don't feel triggered with any of the intensity I wrote about further up this thread, I just feel sluggish and depressed, but that still could be my internal way of dealing with 'not-writing' in order to prevent myself getting too close to the furnace, or going in too deep.

She calls herself Blue, not Go-Haywire, so I call her Blue too or think of her as Blue. When I think of her, the image I had of her in therapy is more sad and tired than anything else, certainly not crazy!

Sad and tired, as I wrote here would fit more my feeling sluggish and depressed than the intensity explained further up the thread that I used to feel.
In fact, it took me a good few minutes to remember the original name for Go-Haywire, with the name being descriptive and not in  English. I remember now so noting for self: Dd-T. But that Part transformed into Blue.

So, also reminding myself that Should is NEVER good for me! Self-acceptance wherever I am is the name of the game. My current T reminds me of this all the time. I looked for a translation of the word he uses - it could be 'self-directed' or 'self-determined', or 'self-determination'. There are some possible translations without 'self' but I think that word is important. Of course, I understand without needing a translation myself but I can no longer decide which word to use to help others understand.

[Hope67]

Self-acceptance - that is ...can't think of the word I'd like to say.  But it's important. 

I really appreciated reading what you wrote here Blueberry, as it brought some things to mind that I'd like to explore in my own journal.  Sending you a hug 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope 

[Hope67]

 

[NarcKiddo]

 

[GettingThere]

Hi Blueberry <3 I'm so sorry to hear you've been going through such a difficult time. What you wrote about going haywire and having those impulses makes so much sense with what you've gone through. I'm glad that your friend could be there to support you. What you wrote about self-acceptance is so true. Accepting yourself as you are for where you are in your journey is so very important. Sending huge hugs 

[Blueberry]

Thank you all for reading, commenting, and hugs. It's too hot for me to feel and write but reading is good   

[Blueberry]

Hi Blueberry <3 I'm so sorry to hear you've been going through such a difficult time. What you wrote about going haywire and having those impulses makes so much sense with what you've gone through. I'm glad that your friend could be there to support you. What you wrote about self-acceptance is so true. Accepting yourself as you are for where you are in your journey is so very important. Sending huge hugs 

Thank you for reading my post/s on this thread and commenting GettingThere! Self-acceptance is very important and very difficult for me. Hence my motto or whatever you call it: Should is never good for me.
When I'm not accepting myself, my mind easily wanders into 'I should be able to do this by now' etc although sometimes the wording hides it a bit better.

Self-determination or whatever you want to call it is an additional thing. That's like deciding for myself what I want to do or how I want to be and moving on it.

I knew very early in my therapy and self-work 'career' that emotional abuse played a big part in me getting cptsd, but I didn't realise for a long time that the ridicule from FOO, badly disguised as humour, played a huge role in keeping me from being how I really am, living me, e.g. just being spontaneous. I don't want to give any more examples because I don't want to feel the pain without a way of processing it. A therapist finally told me that it would have been a form of control, done by FOO.

But there's also been too many people in my life from well-meaning FOO members like a grandmother and a great-aunt, as well as therapists who were willing to allow me my own development only so far. Like this grandmother and great-aunt did try to help me a bit in my childhood and teens, but in their individual ways they were clear on  - your relationship with your parents is fine again now, plus worse: everything's cleared up now and your feelings from then belong in the garbage I.e. time to get over it all. My grandmother was also protecting her son, my father, which he shouldn't have needed. She wouldn't have seen it that way, she was explaining his character, but it didn't seem to me people back then would say "This is your character, BB, and that's fine!" It was more  - you have to put up with other people the way they are. In a way, that's true since you can't change other people, but I wasn't allowed to set boundaries or even say 'No', or protect myself by e.g. leaving the room. Then there were therapists who would allow only so much development. In a way, their behaviour and attitudes to me sort of made sense. They were trying to push me back into some form of normalcy, like working to support myself instead of getting payouts from FOO, but all these pushing therapists didn't seem to realise the depth of the problems I carry. Some of them had the same sort of logic as FOO: If you can do x, you can obviously do y.
Sorry folks, no, that logic doesn't actually work.

Anyway, I seemed to have rambled on, whereas this is possibly the first day of the heatwave where I actually feel some wherewithal to get on with a few things. Best to start before it gets too hot. I realise this wherewithal is not just a physical thing (extreme heat), it is emotional too, as always.
Btw, OT is my occupational therapist, not a friend.

[NarcKiddo]

If you can do x, you can obviously do y.
Sorry folks, no, that logic doesn't actually work.

No, that logic absolutely does not work. But we get fed it so much by so many people who think it does (not just FOO and pushing therapists) that we start feeding it to ourselves. And then it becomes really hard to step back and give ourselves an honest answer to 'what can I do today, now?' I have heard people say to those trying to do something like stop smoking 'don't dwell on the forever aspect of giving up smoking. Just think of today and promise yourself that you will not smoke today'. Yet very few identify the other side of that perfectly decent idea - which is thinking of what can be done in terms of today. Avoiding overwhelm makes sense both ways, I think.