An old memory popped into my head... trigger warning

[Liliuokalani]

I have this memory that pops up periodically. I have always kind of pushed it aside because I thought, well, it didn't directly happen to me, so I shouldn't be traumatized by this memory. Well I decided to stop shaming myself today and see what happens.

When I was in elementary school, my sister was a teenager, and it was a Friday night. Normal teenagers get to go out on Fridays, but for some reason my sister wasn't allowed to go to something, I can't remember why. My mom was probably forcing us for no reason to have "family time," which is usually do whatever my parents want to do and deal with it. This time it was sitting down for dinner together and watching a concert. I knew it was going to be boring as * but I knew better than to complain. Bad things happened when we complained. The night just had a weird vibe to it. I often had these feelings of being really uncomfortable and couldn't place my finger on why. Early intuition I guess.

My sister was ticked off, as teenagers who don't get to go out usually are, and had argued with my parents earlier in the evening. My dad asked my sister to turn the light off and my sister snapped "do it yourself' at him. My dad then flipped out in a way I had never seen before. He slammed his food tray down and went at my sister, she tried to run away and then he pushed her into a corner. I could't see what he was doing after that but I heard her screaming. Then my mom pulled him off and pushed him away. She's had to do that a lot. But a part of me thinks she enjoyed that part, being the rescuer. I think she would sit back and let it escalate and then jump in to save the day.

I carry a lot of guilt from that day. I remember afterward everyone left but I wanted to pretend like nothing happened, so I stayed with my dad and watched half of the concert and then when I couldn't stand it anymore I went to my room. I heard my mom talking to my sister. I guessed they were words of comfort but knowing my mom now, she was probably manipulating her, being gentle and loving and at the same time hinting it was her fault somehow. I keep thinking, I should have left my dad alone to swim in his guilt. I shouldn't have pretended nothing was wrong. I should have hugged my sister and comforted her. I just stood in my room paralyzed for a while. No one really talked to me about it, or if they did, I don't remember. I don't remember dad apologizing. I don't remember being told that behavior was not ok. I don't remember being able to talk about my feelings. And sometimes, I have nightmares.

I know that my sister pretends that day didn't happen and has abuse amnesia. She prides herself on not holding grudges, but I think it's to a fault. She does what I did that day. Pretends like everything is ok. And doesn't comfort me when I come to her for it regarding our parents. She used to be my lifeline. She used to protect me from them. But after having her baby, it's like I don't mean anything to her anymore. My parents are gods with all the advice on parenting. While I just pray that my niece doesn't become us. So far I think my parents haven't really gotten to my sister and she's a very freely loving mom. I pray she stays that way. I try to encourage her but she just keeps her distance from me.

I lost my best friend because I pulled away the curtain and saw my family for what it was, dysfunctional. And it makes me very sad. I cry about that day like it happened a week ago or something. I'm trying to figure out how to let go of the guilt, but it's been so far ingrained in me. And I wish I could tell her I'm sorry. But I think she would just act as though she had no idea what I was talking about. And I don't think that would make me feel any better even for the sake of trying to be altruistic, my usual tactic for self satisfaction.

I feel better for sharing though.

[smg]

Lili,
What you wrote is beautiful! I'm sorry that such a horrible thing happened to your sister and (yes!) to you. And I'm sorry that it was part of a regular pattern. It's a horrible event symptomatic of a traumatizing family. 

But something beautiful and heartbreaking about you shines through.

I wonder if maybe you stayed with your dad for half the concert because you instinctively wanted to passify the most volatile/dangerous person present. Does that sound like a possibility? Regardless, you were a child without the resources or authority or education to help your sister. That was your parents' responsibility. Their job to fix things (or better still, not to cause them in the first place), not a child's.

smg

[Liliuokalani]

What a sweet post, thank you. It's very helpful to get validation for such things. Sometimes it's just a lot more comforting to hear something come from someone else. I'm working on the inner critic in me to absolve myself of some of the guilt. I like that, beautiful and heartbreaking. I've been told in the songs I cover or write, that I'm very good at conveying sadness or creating a "haunting" melody when I sing. I find singing very therapeutic, so it's nice to be able to take my sadness and use it to create art.

You know, a part of me may have wanted to tame the beast, now that you mention it. I did spend a lot of time and energy comforting my mom and dad. But more than anything else, I just wanted to do anything I could to feel normal again. The whole situation gave me that first sensation, or maybe my first conscious sensations of trauma, that feeling that the situation was more of a dream than reality, displacing myself and then realizing it was real and feeling this painful burning through all of my nerves that I get a lot these days when I'm scared and having an emotional flashback. I become paralyzed, like I did once when my dad pushed me onto a couch when we got in a fight. I just collapsed like a rag doll, and afterward hated myself for collapsing instead of fighting back.

I was a very emotionally mature child, according to my teachers, and I think it's because I learned in therapy I kind of had to be an adult in my childhood, constantly navigating volatile emotions and taking on a lot of blame and guilt to bring them back to normal. Very slowly I think since my teenage years I kind of started to let go of that. I think I've started to find life to be a lot more fun and exciting after I left the nest. People talk about how living in the real world is challenging, and that's understandable. I found it easy and thrilling, of course now that I'm in med school it's a different story and the stress is bringing a lot of this stuff back. But there was a brief time after college where I was a daycare teacher and became very adventurous, sky diving, rock climbing, white water rafting, and getting out in nature. I had a lot of time to enjoy me. I hope I find that side of me again soon.