Nonstop panic attacks. Any suggestions?

[GoSlash27]

 Hi all,
 I've had maybe 5 panic attacks total in the last 25 years. I made the mistake of trying to piece together a timeline of my childhood; just what years I lived where. I was not successful and I didn't realize anything upsetting, but apparently that was a big mistake.

 That was Friday evening, and I've been having constant panic attacks ever since. 5 days running. Does anybody have any suggestions to help me get out of this mode?

 Thanks,
-Slashy

[Papa Coco]

Hi Slashy,

I can feel the urgency in your posts. I'm not "triggered" by it but I'm alarmed. What you're going through is a legitimate crisis and you deserve help from wherever you can find it.

I just read your introductory post. You've been hospitalized for this a few times, so I can easily see that panic attacks are a recurring problem for you. I've come close, but have not had a full-blown Panic attack, so I'm not the wisest person to help work through them. I have no doubt there are people on this forum who have experiences more closely like yours. Hopefully someone will have some suggestions for you.

All I know how to ask is, do you have a decent Trauma-wise therapist now? Is the person who diagnosed you with CPTSD available to help any further? It sounds to me like you are well within your rights to ask a therapist to squeeze you into their schedule as you deal with these recurring panic attacks. The fact that your family's stories are going public should put some legitimate urgency to get someone to make a spot for you on their therapy schedule.

Meanwhile, I sincerely hope you stay connected with this forum. There are some pretty smart folks here who've helped me a lot over the years.

Sincerely,
PC.

[GoSlash27]

PC,
 Thanks for the reply and suggestions.
"All I know how to ask is, do you have a decent Trauma-wise therapist now?"
 That remains to be seen. I haven't even had my first session yet. She's a specialist in trauma and C-PTSD, I'm *assuming* she'll be good.
 "Is the person who diagnosed you with CPTSD available to help any further?"
 Unfortunately, no. I wasn't able to reach her at all today. That's why I'm reaching out to whoever may have helpful advice in the short term to help me get through this immediate crisis.
 Best,
-Slashy

[Papa Coco]

Slashy,

You've been on my mind since this morning. There is some sense of safety around the fact that you've moved your wife and child across the country. Hopefully there's no chance that any of your family or former friends are going to bump into you in the store or are going to call you or email you or try to squeeze themselves into your life at this time.

One thing that my therapist has done many times for me is, when I'm in serious flashback mode, he leans in close to me for drama and says, "you know this is trauma, right? It's not a rational fear, it's a real fear, but it's of a memory of a threat that is long gone." 

It is not a cure for trauma, but does tend to slightly deescalate my emotional flashback to more manageable levels. When I go into my "almost" panic attacks, I picture him sitting across from me saying, "You know, this is trauma. It's not a physical threat. You are safe, you just don't feel like it, but you are. This is a trauma reaction to a bad memory."

Doing that does tend to take some of the edge off of the situation for me. But I know what trauma feels like and it's very real and very debilitating.

I've been in trauma therapy for close to 20 years, and I've gotten a lot better since the original diagnosis in 2005, but I'm still a long way from being immune to triggers. But when they happen, this is one of the tools I use to soften them a bit. I just remember, it FEELS real, but it's trauma. It's a memory that's igniting my neural pathways to relive the stressors of the past. It feels like the threat to my life is real, but the feeling is just the feeling. It deserves good trauma therapy, but it's not the same as having my family actually knocking down the door to humiliate me again like they used to many years ago.

I'm pulling for you,
PC.

[GoSlash27]

PC,
 My baby sister is the only one left alive who could do this to me. Unfortunately, she unwittingly did. 
 Long story about a photograph, actually my own fault. *I* was the one who reached out to *her*...
 I'm sure she didn't mean to, but she's the one who inadvertently dropped the 'documentary' bombshell on me. Also the news that there was *another* book out there (which I have not yet seen).

 My son is alarmed right now. He's never seen me like this. I shielded him from all of this his whole life. I told him I'm *not* suicidal (I'm not) and I am beginning the healing process (I am), but he's scared.

 I have a good support group around me. When I left my FOO behind, I adopted new surrogate families; better ones. They're here for me, they just don't know what to do.

Best,
-Slashy
 
   
 
 



 
 

[Chart]

GoSlash,
First, bravo. You are reacting in a very healthy way by reaching out: This forum, finding a therapist, talking soothingly to your son. Please recognize that you are reacting very well in an extremely distressing moment. Your emotions are panicking, but your rational pre-frontal brain is doing it's work too. This is extremely important to recognize and realize: you are going to make it no matter how awful it feels in the moment.
Second, I second everything PapaCoco has said. This was super helpful for me when I had my crisis seven months ago:
"you know this is trauma, right? It's not a rational fear, it's a real fear, but it's of a memory of a threat that is long gone."
This helps... a little but it helps. We need all the help we can find. A lot of little help is the order for the moment.
Third, are you "secure"? Financially, physically? No big stresses at work or elsewhere? The idea is: One thing at a time. Sometimes we have to do other things even in a crisis and knowing this can help us prepare and do what's necessary first. Whatever resources that are left in the prefrontal brain need to be used for putting your body and mind in a safe place. This can be hard, but don't hesitate to ask here for help. Even things you think are simple or stupid. Nothing is stupid or simple when you're in a trauma crisis. NOTHING.
Fourth, tell trusted people that what you need is to be able to talk to someone when you need. They don't have to give advice, they just need to listen. And they need to be available. I switch between support people so I don't wear one single individual out with all my trauma. I also ask my support people if I can call again next week for example. I feel terribly guilty "using" other people, like I don't deserve it and I'm abusing someone else. This impulse has to be resisted. We are wounded and we need help period. True friends understand this even if they don't know trauma.
Fifth, do what you need to do to feel safe. Stay in bed all day... stay at home... do whatever you need to "re-secure" your body and mind: breathing, exercise, whatever. Resist alcohol, for me it works only for a couple of hours then it's a hundred times worse the next day. Totally counter-productive. Resist 100% if possible.
Last, you CAN tell everybody and anybody you are in a crisis. (See note on children below.) This is your choice but YOU CAN SAY IT. This is your right. It is the truth and you are incredibly courageous for confronting the truth right now (even if it wasn't really a choice). Very simply, something deeply wounded in your brain has clearly said "I cannot ignore what is really there anymore... and I want to heal".
Now is NOT the moment to worry about others' reactions to you. Take care of YOU.
Note: one exception is children. For that, in my opinion, you need to take your strength and reassure. Say this has NOTHING to do with them. Be honest, but honestly say this will pass, because it will. It might come back again, but will pass again too. So reassure your kids as much as you can. I find when I explain just a little, without going into details, my 11-year-old daughter totally gets it. She hugs me and then goes back to her play and her life. Which totally reassures me.
And really lastly, I can't tell you how long this may go on for you. For me I've "known" my whole life. But the crisis I had seven months ago was of a size and scope I'd never imagined. I had never so wanted to end everything. It was terrifying. I made it through the worst part. I'm now about 30% reduced daily terror. It varies of course. I'm also back on antidepressants since a week. As Harry says, "A man's got to know his limitations." We do what we need and think best. Healing has to work that way. Hope all that helps. There's so much to know and I'm learning all the time. Me too I am in my fifties and discovered cptsd less than a year ago. It's become, for the moment, the principal occupation in my life. And I'm sure I'm in it for a good long while to come. But this doesn't bring me too down. I am a lover of Truth and prefer that plus pain, to any false alternative this life could present me.  Anyway I say that now. Tomorrow morning I just might not get out of bed. Sending love and support if you're okay with all that. You are not alone.

[NarcKiddo]

I agree with the others. The problem I find is that even when my logical brain knows fine well there is no danger, my emotional brain can absolutely insist there is. In terms of getting out the panic state, I think it is a case of trying different things until something works. After a while you may find an approach that works most of the time, if not all, and gradually you will be able to equip yourself with more tools that you can try until one of them works.

I used to squash the emotions and that seemed to work for a good few years, but all I was doing was building up pressure.

Now, I find the most helpful thing for me is to find some space by myself to experience the emotions and they usually pass quicker. Pretending all is well just prolongs the agony. Sometimes you just have to act the part (business meeting, family duties, whatever) but in my experience the sooner you can find a way to process the emotions the quicker the immediate feelings will recede. You're doing a good and sensible thing in coming here to discuss.

Another thing I personally find immensely helpful is exercise. Having an outlet for the fight/flight hormones has been a game-changer for me. Even if I cannot immediately get to a gym, just knowing I can batter a punch bag or fling weights around in the foreseeable future can help me keep a lid on problematic emotions and function reasonably well until I can. Sometimes I don't even want to do that when the time comes. I just want to do mindless repetitive stuff like treadmill walking.

Which brings me onto the third thing that I find helpful. Artwork or colouring. If I liked knitting or crochet that would do as well. Making models probably would, or tinkering with an engine if that was my thing. Basically, something repetitive that requires some concentration but not a huge amount, can be very  calming. Meditation and deep breathing requires just too little attention to be helpful for me personally, though many swear by it, but a repetitive exercise or hobby activity could be worth trying.

[GoSlash27]

Good news!
The string of panic attacks finally broke today. 
I hope *that* never happens again! I still welcome recommendations for how to make them more tolerable, just in case it happens again.

Thanks!
-Slashy

[Papa Coco]

Slashy,

I'm VERY glad to hear that you're getting relief from the Panic Attacks! I hope today is a good day for you.