A Safe Place To Be Visible

[Bach]

I love you folks so much 

This is a bad week for my T to be away.

[Snowdrop]

I've just been catching up with your journal, and wanted to send you a hug . Even though I've not been here much, I've been thinking of you.

[Bach]

I have decided not to go to the mother's house for Thanksgiving.  I've been thinking about how to tell her I'm not coming.  It definitely doesn't feel right to blast her unprovoked with the real reason (i.e., that her house isn't safe and that going there isn't worth the drain on my psychic energy), especially after she went so far as to email me herself to invite me instead of leaving the whole thing to my brother, but I absolutely do not want to make an excuse.  Pretty much everyone in the world regardless of circumstance seems to take for granted that I should or would want to make an excuse, but oh my God, no.  Enough pretending.  Enough silencing me like that.  So I'm thinking about replying to her email invitation with this:

Hi, Mom,

Thanks very much for the invitation.  I appreciate that you took the time to write to me.

I'm sorry to hear that (stepfather) is not doing well.  I know how difficult that must be for you.  We won't be coming to the house for Thanksgiving, but I'd be happy to hear from you if you'd like to communicate via email.

Best,
(Bach)

I realise that something I'm doing here is daring her to communicate with me.   There is an insistent, persistent part of me that wants to have some kind of dialogue with her.  There has been for a few years now.  I've been fighting it off because I know that trying to communicate with her is fraught with peril for me, and I haven't wanted to deal with that, but the desire simply does not go away.  I've been thinking for months about how to do that safely.  My strong impulse is always to call her, because that's what I always did, and what she always did with her mother, and a part of me has a considerable longing to do that, because it's familiar and because it pleases her, but I ruled that out ages ago because the mere thought of hearing her voice makes me feel anxious and ill.  That leaves only written communication.  I tend to doubt that she will be willing to invest that much effort into me, especially with such a terse invitation, but who knows?  I'm also not totally sure whether I really want her to, but after eighteen or so months of mulling this over and having many discussions with my trusted people about it, I have come to the conclusion that I probably do want her to enough to let her know about it, and take the risk that the neither the discomfort of communicating with her or the discomfort of her being unwilling to communicate will be as distressing as the miserable sick small weak erased invalidated indecisive feeling of not even asking.  I weakly hinted at a desire for email communication back in February when she called my house out of the blue for the first time in longer than I can remember and left me a phone message.  I didn't receive it for a few days after she left it because I was away at the time she called, and I replied to it by telling her I'd been away, and that email would probably be a better way to reach me.  She never replied.  Since then I have regretted that I didn't say something a trifle more welcoming.  So I reckon this is my chance to do that, but I can't find it in me to gussy it up with any warmth-faking language.  My email is terse but all of it is true.  I think I can be comfortable with it because there is no dishonesty, and no communication will be possible if I have to BS anything. 

I'm feeling pretty ill now.  I want to cry.  I want Other.  I want a klonopin but I'll have to try some natural self-soothing methods and try to go to sleep without it, because klonopin tonight will make it more likely that tomorrow the low life-condition in which I nearly always wake up will stick around for the whole day.  Still, I persist.

[Bach]

I sent the above email to my mother yesterday morning.  After I sent it to her, I had a good talk with my brother, and he validated my decision.  He actually does kind of get it.  I have no idea what I'm going to be doing for Thanksgiving, but what a relief to have that sorted out.

[Tee]

  Good for you Bach honesty and validation.    I will hope for the best out come possible for the email whether that be further positive communication or not.  Sending a warm comforting hug of encouragement that was a big step.

[Snowdrop]

Well done for sending the email, and I'm glad your brother validated your decision. I can imagine the relief.

[Not Alone]

I proud of you for sending the email that was kind and at the same time true to yourself. I'm glad your brother affirmed your decision.

[sanmagic7]

  and, may i add that covid is a valid excuse these days, too, for not visiting.  well done, bach!  love and hugs   

[Bach]

I'm completely overwhelmed by life right now.  I don't know how I'm ever going to feel better.  It's cold and the garden is dead and I'm so tired. 

We're making plans to remodel our house, and there's an architect coming today to take measurements.  I spent a couple of hours yesterday and a couple of hours this morning frantically moving junk around in my bedroom so that she'll be able to get in to do that.  My Person is running around cleaning, as if there's the slightest chance that we can actually disguise at the last minute the chaos we live in.  I think he is annoyed with me because a little while ago I decided to just own the fact that I'm a dysfunctional wackjob with a slight hoarding problem, and that it's a waste of my low energy and high stress levels to spend any more time trying to make that two or three percent less obvious.  I'll need that energy to convince myself that I don't care if the architect judges me.  I'm terrified of this whole process

I've been taking a ceramics class at a local studio for the last few weeks.  I used to do clay many years ago, but haven't touched it since the year 2000.   The class I'm taking is for the basics of handbuilding with clay, and the first project was sculpting a human face.  I didn't think I would particularly want to sculpt a human face or that I would be any good at it, but to my surprise I really enjoyed it.  I'm a little bit in love with the one that I made and I'm anxious about whether or not she'll survive the kiln.  I don't have any reason to think that she won't, but I'm anxious anyway.  I'm already preparing myself for losing her.  What's up with that?

[Hope67]

Dear Bach,
I know you are feeling tired at the moment.  Sending you a gentle hug of support and care 

I think it is so great that you've sculpted a human face, and I really hope that she will be ok in the kiln. 

There was so much in what you wrote about your house that I related to very much.  I think it's a stressful process to have someone coming in like that to take measurements etc, and I hope that they were respectful of your space. 

Hope 

[Tee]

  I'm glad that you found a past hobby to re engage with and you found Joy in it.  Whenever I find joy in something I quickly become fearful that it will be ripped away as it was for most my life.  I wonder if this is not your worry about the kiln?

I hope the remodel goes well. I am always on edge with unknown people in my house. Big encouraging hug on that one.

[sanmagic7]

sounds to me like you may have transferred some of your own spirit into the face you're anxious about.  could that be so?  i sure do hope she makes it thru the kiln, and is able to stay with you.  she sounds just lovely.

i hate that overwhelmed feeling - it's so heavy, like every time i take a step i'm surrounded by a morass of mud.  it will eventually pass, tho.  just hang tough, ok?

sending love and a hug filled with a lightening agent that will help dissolve some of that overwhelm.

[Snowdrop]

Fingers crossed with the kiln, and I hope it went ok with the architect.

[Not Alone]

Sculpting a human face sounds really challenging. I'm excited for you that you enjoyed the process and the end product.

The architect coming sounds really stressful. 

[Bach]

Hope, Tee, san, Snowdrop and notalone, I am still struggling, but it heartens me so much to have people here who hear me and who understand my feelings about these things.  I am especially grateful to be heard regarding the clay and the wonderful and exciting but also very frightening feelings stirred up by getting back into that world.  There is nothing but joy in working with the clay itself, the dense damp pliable humid wonder of it, but there's painful history surrounding people and situations in which I've done clay in the past.  The studio where I'm taking the class seems ideal for where I am in life now, but what if I'm wrong?  What if I mess up my relationships at this studio the way I've done before?  I can't do clay without a studio and people.  Tee, you hit the nail on the head with what you said about the fear of joy being ripped away. 

As for the house, I'm not worried about the architect anymore.  I feel comfortable with her, and feel confident that I can work with her without fearing that she will judge me or not take me seriously.  So that's good, but now I am beset with anxiety about My Person and I having to deal with all of our stuff.  Although My Person is generally quite well-adjusted, he and I have very similar hoarding tendencies.  It's one of the few life skills that neither of us have been able to help the other with.  And that's only the beginning.  I really want the remodel because I believe my quality of life here at home will significantly improve once it's done, but I expect a rough road getting there.

Oh, if only I could get decent sleep!