A Safe Place To Be Visible

[sanmagic7]

bach, sweetie, we've got you.  we're here for you - you are not alone with this.

having been where you're speaking from on several occasions, i can truthfully say it can get better.  maybe not today or tomorrow, but keep up the good work you've been doing, allow the feelings of support we're offering, and know that this, too, shall pass.  i've had that written to me more than once, and it helped.  i hope it does the same for you, so i'm sending it along surrounded by heartfelt caring and tenderness.

also sending love and a hug  filled with Earth Mother Spirit to bring you in, embrace you, enfold you in her voluminous skirts till you stop shivering. She's always here for us. 

[Hope67]

Hi Bach, I also wanted to say that things will hopefully get better, and we are here for you.  Alongside you.  Sending you a gentle hug of support and care   
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Bach, I'm sorry it feels so awful now. I care about you. 

[Tee]

  Bach I'm there with you the hole can be very deep. I'm sorry you are feeling so low right now too.  I will share my hole with you.  We can be in the dark together. It is hard to feel like things will never get better, I have been feeling that way for a while now, which is why I've been gone for the most part.  My kids have kept me going.  I'm not out of the dark but I've been faking life and it is muting the horrors playing in my head at least a little.  Hang in there Bach! I'm thinking about you and care for you. Here if you need me! Big hug!

[woodsgnome]

A few years back, I reached my 'ending' point with all the pain recycling from years past. Perhaps around 10 days ago, I felt crushed yet again by an extremely powerful flashback that I didn't think I could ever recover from.

Well, I haven't ... except I've also rediscovered some other things about life. I feel like at least I'm on a new channel that can get me further along.

It's not about me, though -- I've known others who've been able to see new light as well. I know it sounds crazy cliche-like, but the one stereotype saying that's never pooped out on me yet is the one that goes something like "it's always the darkest just before the dawn."

I'm hoping that you too will come to live into that as a way to find self-kindness as you continue finding life's promise.

 

[Bach]

Oh, my.  I so appreciate all of these compassionate responses.  It's always scary to express those feelings, and to be met with such kindness?  I'm not even sure how to react.  I have been realising lately that I really don't know how to appropriately express my emotions regardless of what they are.  I do want to respond, though, because it means so much to me that people here are reading and not judging, and caring enough to want to say something.  Thank you.  Seriously, thank you.

I really wanted to reply to each of you individually, Rani, san, Hope, notalone, Tee and woodsgnome, because I do appreciate every single one of you, but I've been unequal to the task today, so I'm going to post this now before it gets away from me.  I'll keep hanging in here the best I can with you, dear friends, doing what I can and hoping that there are better things ahead for all of us. 

[Not Alone]

You don't have to respond to each one of us. I hear that it was meaningful to you that we responded to your post. You expressed yourself well.

I'll keep hanging in here the best I can with you, dear friends, doing what I can and hoping that there are better things ahead for all of us. 

     

[Tee]

  one for in front of the other.  One moment at a time.  Big hug 

[Bach]

notalone and Tee 

I am in distress over Thanksgiving yet again.  I didn't think I would have to deal with Thanksgiving distress again this year.  I thought that either we'd be having Thanksgiving at my brother's with the mother and stepfather, and I would deal with the event calmly and well as I did last year, and then enjoy the kid jamboree that My Person and my niphlings and I have been putting on after dinner for the past few years, or that there would be no Thanksgiving at all due to covid.  But of course it can't be that simple.  The decaying old stepfather cannot travel anymore, so instead of Thanksgiving being at my brother's house, it's going to be at the still poisonously vital mother's house.  The idea of going to the mother's house freaks me out on many different levels for many different reasons. So I have to be an * and not go. 

("the" instead of "my" because the possessive pronoun makes the brain less willing to let go?)

[Tee]

  you can always blame covid. Say you aren't feeling great and don't want to take the chance. I just always plan to work on Thanksgiving so I don't have to worry about it.🙂🤷‍♀️

[Not Alone]

I agree with Tee. Okay to use covid as an excuse if you decide not to go. You do have choice; maybe not great choices, but you do get to choose.

[Bach]

Tee and notalone, thank you for your support   

I know I don't have to go, but I also know that I'm going to feel bad no matter what I do.
I'm angry that it's such a big deal, and it will make me sick to my * stomach to make an excuse.  Why should I have to make excuses to that woman?  I'd rather be able to tell her that I don't want to come because going to her house is not safe for me, and I don't see any good reason to spend my energy on dealing with it when I don't have any to spare.  I doubt I can do that, though. 

My brother really wants me to come, and although he's not pressuring me and says he'll understand if I don't come, but he doesn't really get it.  I love my brother, but he did not have the same mother I did.  Biologically he did, but lazy parenting is a very different business from abusive parenting.  He said something about placating a couple of suffering old people, but why should I placate my mother?  I wouldn't intentionally cause her harm, but why would the miserable old age this toxic person sowed and is now reaping entitle her to enough of my compassion that I should sacrifice my mental health to placate her?  My brother also referenced the fact that this could be my stepfather's last Thanksgiving, but, wow, talk about someone I don't owe anything.  What I do or don't owe my mother might be complicated on some levels, but my stepfather?  That guy might as well be a complete stranger to me for all the kindness he showed me when I was growing up, and meaningful interaction I've had with him in the years since. 

[Not Alone]

My siblings have a very different experience of my mother than I do. It can make it difficult, but she is no longer living, so I don't have to deal with issues of visiting and holidays. Bach, it is okay to do what is best for you. You're right, your brother doesn't really get it. When he says things like, "placating a couple of suffering old people," he is coming from his experience, not a place of understanding what you went through.

[rainydiary]

Bach, your reflections on the upcoming holiday and different experiences with parents resonate with me. 

This time of year is so difficult for so may reasons.  I support you in doing what feels right to you. 

[Tee]

  Bach you are strong and owe nothing to your mother or step father.  Do what will make you have the best day.  Siblings all have a different experience and can not fully understand the others experience. You have the right to not make excuses and simple take care of yourself. Or if making an excuse is an easier way to take care of yourself than do that.  I'm sure you will do what you think is best for you.  I will be with you in spirit to give you as many hugs as you need and support no matter your choice. Big hug of support