To the best friend I couldn't live without

[karbon]

To my bestfriend:

I fought so hard to keep you in my life. After college, when we were at our closest and all the possibilities in the world open to us, I excitedly made the leap to move 1400 miles away from my family and past life. We were everything to each other, sharing stories and secrets that nobody could understand except for us. We laughed until we cried every night for 6 years. We got each other through college. You were the very best part of my life for several years, and I seemed to be yours. I asked how you'd feel about moving to the same state, of basking in the same warm light more often like when I visited during spring breaks. You were as excited as I was ( i think ), we would be closer than ever ( or so i thought ). The first year moving near you was the hardest. Admittedly, I had more expectations that we would see each other more often, play tourist and continue to co-write our books as we had done for the last 6 years. Every time you drew away, I tugged harder. And as soon as I feared the tether between us would snap from the pressure I applied and loosened my grip, you would suddenly tug back as if lost without the weight and burden of my desperate grasp. In my darkest time, reaching out to ask you why we were seemed to be falling apart, you texted back "sometimes people change" and I wondered had we really changed that much? Did you not miss me? Did you not need me? Was I a burden? Had I reached out too much? Was it annoying? Was I annoying?!

The next year was hazy, I think depression funks have a way of clotting out all your thoughts and memories. We drifted apart and I ungraciously pulled and clawed and bargained away every iota of self esteem and self worth to keep you interested. I abandoned everything I needed if it meant you would stay my best friend. I stopped applying pressure but would quickly respond at the slightest tug of the rope from you. No demands. No expectations. No weight. You were free to be my friend or leave and I told myself that was 'true' adulthood - you let things go and if they're meant to be, they come back. And you ALWAYS came back. It could be weeks or months, but always, a text would crop up "sorry! i know i am a horrible best friend! love you! we should write together soon!" and my hope would leap, and my heart would grow and for another 6 months I would convince myself that you needed more time, but we were destined. I convinced myself to be the friend I would want to have - who fought each and every last disappointment, who always came through, ready to go that extra mile. I did my best to be the friend I thought you wanted, to mirror the friend I thought I deserved. I want you to know that. At every obvious sign that I needed to let go....I held on tighter to be whoever I thought you needed. Anything for your approval and attention. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes you would come back and re-ignite the spark of hope that what we had wasn't dead but just needed a few sparks of a resurrection. It was just enough to keep me around, to feel like cutting you out of my life was akin to slicing off a limb. I couldn't stand the thought of cutting you out - it created instant panic. I always steered away, told myself I just had to be stronger for you. I just needed to hold out, just a little longer. You would come back, because again, you always did...

And then, through all the ups and downs and waiting on texts from you or giving space or pushing forward and checking in to see if you were still breathing...something unexpected happened.

I got better. Like, really better. I got stronger and healthier. My mind became clearer. My heart stopped wheezing with every pulse. I kicked old habits to the curb. I hung up my depression and anxiety. I kissed my body dysmorphia and bulimia to the wind. I slept real sleep, for the first time in years. It didn't happen over night. It didn't happen in a week, or a month, or even a few months. I put in hard, glorious work that slowly paid off over time. I made changes of what I accepted into my life, and what I did not. I hope you understand, I wanted the dream we used to giggle and talk about to come true. I wanted that life of growing old and causing mayhem in nursing homes and still writing our same stories and characters together. But you were causing me so much pain. Our friendship made me feel crazy. One minute you're telling me how much you love me, and the next you can't answer a simple text for four months? You'll text me that you're at the same amusement park as me and ask what I am doing...but won't respond when I ask if you want to grab a drink? You cancelled every last plan we had in the last two years. You started writing again...but it wasn't with me. I had always believed you in the past, when you told me you loved me.

But once I learned to love myself, I realized this wasn't the love that was meant for me.

- Your CI Twin 

[Three Roses]

Wow! This is beautiful, love it!

[karbon]

To the Bestfriend I Left Behind,

   I never thought of us as damaged goods, broken beyond repair. We just needed time. We needed a little more effort. The functional pieces were still ticking - our gears could shift and click and it was nothing some rubber bands and crazy glue couldn't fix. We had the instruction manual. We had a history of being efficient and well paired together. We knew on a fundamental level that you and I worked. A few bumps and updates had led to some user errors and miscalculations but nothing we couldn't figure out together. I tinkered and fidgeted with the pieces, instructions strewn across the living room floor. I looked at the problem from all angles - tried numerous reboots and updates. I went to specialists, explained the problem and waited for a more in-depth analysis.

   I didn't like what they had to say, didn't want to hear "I think we should focus on you". I didn't need to focus on me. I needed to focus on us - so I can fix us. So I could save us! I paid that specialist, and never took her advice. She wouldn't be the first to recognize it was time to abandon hope (I guess that should have been one of the first clues). You were my best friend of eleven years - eleven freaking years. Who doesn't try to save that? Who doesn't believe in the goodness of the universe that true effort and unburdening your heart will reap the results you desire. I believed in us. I believed in the cosmic beauty that all sins and scars in a friendship could be cleaned by honesty and taking responsibility. I believed in making a stand and showing up every day as a caring, thoughtful individual who would always put in the time and energy for you.

So....where were you?

I showed up. I wore my heart on my sleeve. I gave you everything you told me you needed and wanted. I read in between the lines and when you wanted space and time away, I gave you that too. I gave you patience and understanding. I gave creativity and thoughtful words. I gave time and expressed concern. I gave feeling and hope. I gave that all to you.

And all you gave me was a read receipt left on.

The words those specialists said started to sink in deeper. How I threw myself into others so I could forget about my own damage. The way I found co-dependence and failed to keep healthy meaningful boundaries. How I mothered. How I craved acceptance and turned it into my self-worth. How every relationship I equated with others to proof that I was decent, good and belonged. Then a little voice started to whisper in the back of my head....'don't you deserve more?' and for the first time in a long time, I didn't diminish that small voice away. I let it grow bigger, bolder until it took on a roar and a life of it's own.

Don't you deserve more?

I didn't want to leave you behind - but once I answered the voice, there was no undoing. Yes. I do. I deserve more. I deserve so, so much more. I hope one day you realize that you do too.

Sincerely,
     The Bolder Side of Me