Extreme Fear of Conflict

[HannahOne]

Ah, conflict avoidance. I really was interested in this thread and what everyone shared! Thank you all. So much in common, and also some interesting differences and nuances.

In trying to recover, I have recently determined to learn negotiating skills and I've been reading and hired someone to work with me a few times. The best book I found is an old one, Getting to Yes. I love it because even internally I have conflict that I avoid and I end up hiding in bed from myself. Getting to Yes means I listen to all parts of me, or to different sides of my inner conflict, listen for the shared interests rather than getting stuck on a position, and then find compromises. Shared interests is the key.

I had a wonderful therapist who, on this topic, once leaned back in her chair with her legs crossed and her head in her hand and said, "You be you. I'm going to be over here being me." I was struck by it, the body language  of leaning back and giving space, taking a relaxed stance, and allowing at the same time. I'm going to be me. An assertion of selfhood. And you be you. Allowing you to be what you are. And the distance between the you and the me is what makes that safe, assuming of course it's not an abusive dynamic. The space between You and Me is important not to be collapsed. People pleasing collapses the space. But the space between is actually precious, it's everything. Without that space, no spark can jump.

I used to be afraid of that space and sort of glue myself onto other people's positions, or erase myself completely. Understandable, because what used to happen in that space was abuse. But now I've really been interested in occupying "my" space, leaning back and saying, I'm going to be me, with the expectation that the other person allow it, and allowing the other person to be themselves---and in what can happen in that space between us. Curiosity is the opposite of fear, and it's helped me get past some of the triggers that lead me to people please or erase myself. The more curious I am about what's happening in the space between us, the more options I have in how I interact.