First post- apprehensive but just going to dive in

[Warringmind]

So... As my subject stated, this is my first post here.
I've been thinking for the last 6 hours whether I should post anything or not. I have been reading through many posts here for those 6 hours and I just couldn't stop reading, I can't believe I hadn't found this website sooner! It's like a treasure chest, filled with acceptance and understanding. I just am shocked to see how much of what I thought I was crazy for or that NOONE would understand or go through is actually quite common!
My therapist suggested to me last week that I (if feeling up to it) did some reading on CPTSD and so that is how I have stumbled across here.

I don't really know what I want to share here, I'm not one to talk about anything remotely related to me usually (in the real world) so I'm feeling out of my element.

Here goes 
I was sexually abused from a young age by a neighbour, and it later became physical as well. Then at school I was also sexually abused until I was 16 and left school. A couple of months after leaving school I had a bit of a breakdown. I kept the past hidden though but my behaviours ended up with  me hospitalised. I was hospitalised for months and after coming home began my in and out of hospital story for nearly 3 years. I have broken that cycle and haven't been to hospital for nearly 3 years. I have been in therapy for 5 years now and 3 years a go I was lucky enough to have one that I was able to tell a little to. My brother was then diagnosed with cancer and my trauma therapy was put on hold due to too much stress and I was at high risk. But I am now "ready" to get back into it. It has been a constant battle for me to keep up with therapy, I have "quit" numerous times but my T has been very patient with me and understanding and continues to have the same conversations with me over and over again, the same arguments and counteracts the same doubts and apprehensions (each time a little tougher though I might add)

I think I am finally ready to make a decision to fully try and make progress. I'm not happy with where I am in my life and I know it's time for change. But I am so scared about revisitng things I have pushed away and buried so deep. Also about revisiting things I have forgotten and I am so ashamed and embarrassed when I "slip back" in therapy and relive the past.
Do other people here struggle with continuing therapy? I am constantly having a debate in my mind about not being worthy of help, feeling guilty for not being better by now, terrified of change, or thinking I will never recover so what's the point? Or don't waste people's time, you've been in some kind of therapy for 5 years now.
If there are others that struggle with this,  have you overcome it? Or do you think you will be able to?

[lonewolf]

Welcome Warringmind 

Thank you for sharing your struggles.

I can only speak for myself, but I'm 47 and it has taken me long time to even understand that I have CPTSD. I've been in and out of therapy over the years and until recently, I never got that "aha" moment. You will find lots of support here and tons of resources and information. I suspect it isn't unusual for folks like us to slip in and out of recovery. I think it has to do with safety and protecting ourselves from further harm. It sounds like you have a generous and supportive therapist who doesn't push you and respects your individual recovery process. Your fear is natural and completely understandable give your traumatic experiences. I look forward to reading more of your posts.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome Warringmind    We're glad you found your way here and yes, many of us feel similarly to you - it's a huge relief but can trigger a lot of trepidation.  Posting is a BIG deal so kudos to you for gathering the courage      

I don't know that there is anyone here who would suggest that recovery isn't difficult.  There are layers of trauma from our childhood to deal with, trauma that was experienced and is still perceived through the eyes of the children we were. Life was terrifying, debasing and we were powerless and abandoned.  We shove it all way down because that's all we can do at the time.

As adults in recovery we struggle to trust ourselves and others, and to feel safe and stable enough to let those memories surface and for good reason. It's just a lot to deal with, so like you many of us are in and out of recovery.  You are in good company in that as LoneWolf suggests.   

I also look forward to reading more about you once you feel comfortable enough to post. 

[Warringmind]

Hi kizzie and lonewolf. Thank you so much for both of your responses! It's nice to "meet" you both
I am so grateful to have this website available, it is so good to feel not so alone. Yes I'm very fortunate to have such an understanding therapist. I often times feel bad that I haven't made much progress at all because it is only a reflection on me and not her. I'm really glad lonewolf that you've had thT "aha" moment! It must have been (and can imagine still would be) frustratin to swim and swim and swim and feel like you weren't getting anywhere but utterly exhausted. And yes I think it has got a lot to do with safety and protecting ourselves from further harm as to why we slip in and out of recovery... I've never thought about that before. Thank you.
And kizzie thanks so much for the welcome. Yeh it did trigger a lot of trepidation, but I must say I'm glad I just took the plunge. It's good to know its "normal" to be in and out of recovery, that I'm not an unusual case.
Thank you both so much for taking the time to read and reply!

[Widdiful Falling]

Something my sensei told me might be applicable here:

When you're learning something, there are hills and valleys. Sometimes, you find yourself on top of a hill, making progress, and sometimes you find yourself in a valley. Beyond that, there is another hill to be climbed. Even if you don't feel like you're making progress, keep going, because the valley can't go on forever.

Thank you for being here, Warringmind, and I hope you find a safe place to heal.

[Warringmind]

Thanks so much widdiful! Yes you are right... Valleys do have an end at some point just have to trudge it out until I can see that end... Until the next hill  haha. I guess it's sort of and venture.. A horrifically terrifying one, but an adventure all the same. And I hope we come out of it stronger and tougher than ever.
Thank you much for replying!

[Warringmind]

Hey beHea1thy thank you also so much for taking the time to write here. I really appreciate it. I'm really glad to know I'm not alone in that thinking and the stop start of therapy and at times hospital stays. Yes I really struggle with taking care of myself at times.. And to put myself first, it doesn't happen often at all. But I'm taking baby steps, trying to eat healthily and not have disordered views of it, trying to exercise moderately, think more positively of myself etc. It's taken years to even try... To even want to try,
But I'm getting there. I hope you continue to overcome battles and put yourself first!