Battling the shame

[DoveCry]

Hi all. 

I want to say first and foremost, thank you all for sharing.  It takes a lot of courage to share your stories.  I know this because I feel completely vulnerable right now.  I have started writing my story a dozen times and each time I delete it because I feel completely ashamed.  Even though logically I know that I am on a forum that is completely safe and non-judgememental, there is something broken inside of me.  I go through and pretend to be strong because growing up that was the only way I knew how to survive.  Now as an adult, I have not learned that I am truly safe yet.  Even though I arm removed from the dangers, my logical thoughts have not caught up with me yet. 

I have a therapist.  She believes I have C-PTSD.  I agree.  I was incorrectly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in the past.  That was very devastating for me and it didn't make much sense.  However, I was recently diagnosed with PTSD.  That makes more sense to me.  Honestly, I was relieved.  C-PTSD is an injury.  I'm injured.  People have wronged me.  People who I loved and trusted.

My mother. I am sure she has some type of PD.  However, she refused help even though I begged her to get it.  So I do not know what she has with complete certainty, but I guess it would be schizotypal with a tint of narcism.  When I was a child she was very abusive and neglectful.  I believe my father has Autism.  He is very passive and uninvolved.  My mother and father split when I was 10.  They both found love with alcoholics, even though neither one of them drank.  So my mother's boyfriend and my stepmother were abusive too.  Each in their own way.  My mother's boyfriend was very aggressive, my stepmother passive.

I was sexually abused by "friends of the family".  My mother's boyfriend tried on several occasions to seduce me.  When I told my mother about it. she blamed me.  She told me in so many words that is how men are and I should have known better.  She raised me to believe that men were animals.  Fortunately, I do not have a relationship with my mother anymore.  It was her choice ~10 years ago.  Although I was devastated by her choice, I think now it was for the best.  My mother was toxic.  It hurts to say it, but I am better without her.

I got away.  I have severed ties with many of the family members who were toxic.  I feel guilt and shame for it, but know I am a better person for it.  I moved away when I was 18.  I got a degree in the health field.  I worked hard to get where I am.  I got married ~4 years ago to a wonderful man.  I got settled in my career and things slowed down.  And that's when it happened.  I had a complete emotional/psychological breakdown.  I ended up in the psychiatric hospital.  I am told that is what happens when life slows down.  Your past catches up with you.

I had a complete break with reality.  I thought people were after me.  I was completely delusional.  I still feel shame because I had temporarily lost my mind.  I have told no one.  It's like this deep dark secret.  The only people that know are my family and my husband.  I am afraid if anyone knew that I had temporarily lost touch with reality, that I would no longer be respected.  In my mind, I would no longer deserve respect.  I know that this is my own insecurities, logically.  Emotionally, I am in disgrace.  It is something that I am working on, but by no means there yet. 

I am hoping that sharing my story will get me that much closer to healing.  What a relief it is to know that I am not the only one.  I have read many of your stories, so I felt that it is only fair to share mine and be completely honest.  I suspect that I will share more as I read more threads and as time goes on.  I look forward to hearing any feedback that you may have.  Thank you for reading my post.

[Trees]

Dovecry, you are not alone.  And there is nothing shameful about a trip to the psychiatric hospital.  I myself have been to three different ones three different times.  I am so sorry your journey has been so difficult.  You do not deserve the burden of the shame, too.  It is your so-called parents who deserve the shame to be heaped upon them.

You are worthy of respect, for your courage and for your perseverance and your achievements in the face of such adversity.  Your mother sounds truly horrible, and good riddance to her.  My mother was also totally toxic, a real gaslighting nightmare.

You got away!  What an incredible achievement!!  And then you needed a little break from reality.  There is absolutely nothing shameful about that!  It's just a perfectly normal reaction to perfectly dreadful circumstances and memories. 

I am so glad you are removed from danger.  This site is a good place to learn to feel safe,  not an easy thing to do for those of us who grew up in so much danger.  I am so glad you had the courage to write that first post.  Welcome to you!    

[Charlotte]

Welcome DoveCry.  I know you just posted, but there is 1 thing that caught my eye.  It's about the expression losing your mind.  I get that, and if that's what it takes to get someone into their body, then it's a good thing.  Not that it feels good at all.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  But it serves a purpose. 

My voluntary stay at a psychiatric hospital got me to this thought...  Well, no reason to hide things anymore!

I hope that you find peace and belonging here.   

[mourningdove]

Hi DoveCry 

I'm new here, too, but wanted to welcome you in dove solidarity. 

I relate to the enormous shame you write about. It's a terrible burden. I have been discovering lately that this is a burden that I was saddled with by others so that they would not have to take responsibility for their own pain.

And I've discovered that there are differing schools of thought about what it means to lose ones mind, and for some it is seen as a necessary step towards healing.

You are not alone.

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome to OOTS DoveCry   

I am sorry your past caught up with you in such a big way    There's definitely no need to keep things a deep dark secret here.  I fell apart last year about this time and ended up hiding in my walk-in closet and drinking. We had just moved here to retire and my H was away finishing up his last 9 months of his army career on the other side of the country so I was alone with myself and had lots more time to think. Boom, my past overwhelmed me. 

I am not open with many people about it (and don't think it's anyone's business other than a select few), but I am open here and it has helped to diminish my shame.  I now see that whole time with more compassion; that is, as Trees suggests  "It's just a perfectly normal reaction to perfectly dreadful circumstances and memories." 

I hope being here will help bring down the shame for you 

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi Dovecry, thanks for sharing your story. That can't have been easy for you, given what you say about how you're usually silent about this, and given the many negative feelings this must have brought up. So it's like a great gift of trust. Thanks. 

[DoveCry]

Thank you all for your posts and all the warm "welcomes".  It comes as a great encouragement to know that I am not alone.  It was difficult for me to share given that I am usually quite quiet about this kind of stuff, but I am so happy that I did.  I felt a great relief as soon as I did and all your kind words were an added bonus.  I am so grateful for this forum and look forward to sharing more as time goes on.

[ayang]

Hello dovecry,

I know exactly how you feel, but figure that the problem is most people fail to have the imagination to even begin to understand the situations we have had to deal with, and that the mental health problems are really a just sane response to a completely insane situation. I think in most cases we've had to deal with more extreme and unusual situations in life than most people, and there's no manual to help us navigate it! I think in some ways this makes us stronger and in some ways it makes us more vulnerable. I also had mental health problems as a result of dealing with PD in the family, and I don't ever tell anyone about it unless I really trust them. But then I figure everyone else has secrets they keep to themselves too.

Congratulations on all the things you have achieved in your life!! I hope your journey to recovery continues well