Just Breathe

[maricelt]

I am.

Not at my best at the moment. I was thinking I would breeze in here. But suddenly all the anxiety is piling on.

I can't tell you all how important finding this site is to me.

I'm 50+ and I have struggled with depression, anxiety, learned helplessness, and emotional flashbacks for more than 35 years. I first sought help when I was 20, after years of depression, cutting and suicidal ideation.
I needed an answer to 'Why?'
- Why was I so broken?
- Why was I so lonely?
- Why was I lost?
- Why did it seem that happiness was beyond me?

And so many more questions.  I have looked for 35+ years. It was only in 2017 that I was diagnosed with CPTSD. I finally had the 'why'.  And now there seems to be grief added to the mix. Anger, the only emotion I can seem to access, comes quickly at the thought that I have 'missed my life'.  When I look back over my life and I see the pattern of CPTSD written in every fiber I feel robbed. It was all stolen away my youth, my dreams.
It still hurts. I get lost in the grief some days.

Still, I'm trying; to learn, to live, to take off these chains.  And, as always, some days are better than others.
On just practical stuff... I write. Trying to get published. I make memes for the internet about mental health. I try to bring CPTSD into the light. Because no one should spend their life looking for the answer.

Maricelt

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum, maricelt

Glad you found us and that having been given cptsd as diagnosis allows you to understand some of the 'why'.

[beingme]

Welcome

[Three Roses]

Welcome, maricelt! Good to have you with us. 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Maricelt   Glad you found your way here and I hope talking about ll that you're struggling with will help with your recovery. 

I can relate to what you wrote. On bad days the grief and anger do rise over all that I lost and at having to continue to look for answers. Most days now in year 5 after being diagnosed and in recovery and healing though, they're not not as present or overwhelming as they once were. I have made room for them (by acknowledging and feeling them), and in turn that's making room for other healthy, positive feelings. Pete Walker has some good things to say about anger and grief at his site http://pete-walker.com/ and in his books.

I don't know if you have a therapist but in addition to talking here that might be helpful. 

[Not Alone]

Welcome to this site. I also am in my 50s and can relate to feeling grief and anger over so much being stolen.  Some days are really difficult, but there is hope and there are people who care.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi maricelt
Good you are here ...i can relate to feeling so very grateful for the site ...its a lifeline and great great source of confirmation, support and education ... I wish you all the best of the next phase of your recovery

Quote
'Still, I'm trying; to learn, to live, to take off these chains'

I can so identify with this as a 45 yr old women its been a long journey and the past couple of years have been especially tough and i often feel more despondent that things are worse . but i have trust and faith that these harder days will pass and being in the deep crux of cpstd  is going to be hard.
I.find self compassion is such a key to making the chains less heavy ...