Hi there - Just need to reach out

[smile5]

Hi there, I hope it is ok to post and reach out.

I don't really know where to start, but basically I have suffered with my mental health since childhood. There was a lot that went on and the affect on me has been severe. I have received many different diagnosis over the years and have a had lots of different therapy. Not much has helped. So for many years I had therapy for a diagnosis of BPD (Which I never actually agreed with). I also have other anxiety disorders that need help.


So fast forward to last year I was seen by a T who focused on EMDR. I went over my history and current problems. T mentioned Cptsd and that I am likely to be experiencing EF's within certain relationships. Due to what I had discussed we only went as far as working on resources and having figures I can go to in times of difficulty. T didn't want to rush in to anything. We didn't have too long working together, but it felt like everything had fallen in to place. This is the first bit of therapy that I feel has had an impact. It was a shame it had to end. The mention of Cpstd was welcome it explained everything. Everything fits like a glove.


So since then I have been referred for CBT for other difficulties that need working on. This is where I am struggling. So I have carried something with me for years and years and have only slightly spoken about it when having EMDR. So since a young child I have got attached to females. It can be teachers, T's, Sports coach, hairdresser, the list can go on. There have been so many. Some of them I have even bought them gifts for being kind to me. I imagine situations where I am able to express myself and show the real me. I literally hate myself for it. I avoid people to avoid this happening. It has even happened in work situations/volunteer work. As soon as it starts happening I try to get away from the situation.


I worry that they will die or someone in their family will die, that they will leave so on. I never set out with a plan for this to happen at all and don't want to do this. It just happens automatically. I wish I could stop it from happening. I cannot cope with the thought of them not being around. It is not that I fear people leaving me as such, it is more that I have established a connection with them.


I  want to understand why this happens and have often wondered if I am looking for a mother figure. Obviously there is more to it, but at the moment I am full of anger towards those who raised me. To be in an environment where there was abuse of all kinds. That because of certain experiences I now cannot function. That I have spent many years unable to like who I am because of the above and because of my experiences.

I don't know how I am going to move forward. The CBT should help with some difficulties, but I am scared of the rest. My last T mentioned that after CBT I would need specialist help to tackle the trauma and attachment difficulties.

If anyone can help with any shared expriences and trying to move forward that would be great. I really need to be able to talk to a professional about the attachment to women because it is holding me back. I am scared to do so because I feel I will be seen as attention seeker. Which deep down I know I am not. I just cannot control this interaction with others. Like I said, I keep away from people because of it.

Sorry for the length of this, maybe I will be able to explain things more another time.

[Kizzie]

Hi Smile and welcome to OOTS    It's tough wanting that connection but being afraid you might lose it or become too vulnerable. Having a T who recognizes you have CPTSD is a big step toward figuring things out though. As s/he will hopefully confirm for you, attachment and relationship issues are a common symptom of interpersonal trauma. So you are not alone in that and hopefully you will find some good info and support here also.

[Not Alone]

Hi Smile5,

Good job reaching out. That was vulnerable and brave. I hear the fear about disclosing your issues with attachments to women with a new therapist. I can't imagine that anyone would think you are doing that for attention. There are other ways to get attention that are not painful, scary and disruptive. I applaud you for the work you have done. Keep going, step by step, day by day, moment by moment.

[woodsgnome]

Hi Smile5 

I have no wise and sure counsel. After all, I'm struggling through my own web of memories, fixes, real and false hopes, disappointments; but also some progress, although I'd like more.

That said, perhaps the best starting point for anyone is to accept yourself as a wonderful, beautiful human being worthy of finding a better way forward. Mind you, unconditional self-acceptance can be a strange new experience, but it seems a large part of re-framing our lives involves  'un-learning' the mistaken notions resulting from our past traumas.

I hope you find this a safe place to have reached out in.

[Three Roses]

Hello, welcome! I'm glad you're here.

[smile5]

Thank you for taking the time to reply and other your words of support.

I just hope that I can try and reach out and try and work through these difficulties. I don't currently have a T, but see someone from my local mental health team. I really want to open up to them about getting attached to different people. I do trust them and feel comfortable with them. It is just so hard to get the words out. I have spent years and years thinking  I am faulty as a person. That there is something seriously wrong with me. I do try and see that if this has been happening since I was a child then there is probably a valid reason for it.

I have tried to tap in to my resource figures and think more compassionately about myself and how I got to where I am today. Which helps a little. I am just scared of everything and that people think that the CBT will fix everything. I know it isn't as simple as that. I just fear that I will be stuck in this place not living life.


It is a difficult one. I want to understand everything, but it is very difficult. I have very little memories of my childhood. So much so that I cannot remember anything at home involving certain people. So for example I cannot say if my mum did things with me, if she played with me, if she hugged me, I can only think of two memories with her in it. Our relationship is difficult and I often wonder if my attachment to females is because of searching for someone to take care of me, protect me and to accept me as I am. These are just thoughts, because I only have memories of my mum from my teenage years and they are not great either.

I guess I want to make sense of it all. I want to understand it fully. I have done a lot of reading and can recognise that trauma has affected me deeply. It is just hard letting go of the belief that I am faulty and I want attention.

[Blueberry]

Hello Smile and welcome to the forum

I used to get attached to females too , e.g. friends who I knew were not lesbian, and feel very embarrassed about it and ashamed. That has lessened with therapy. I'm not actually lesbian myself so it's OK that therapy has reduced this.

I imagine that most of us on here spent years thinking we were faulty as people. It's usually what our families told us for years. It's not true though, cptsd is an injury, in many cases on here an injury caused by our families. So it's not that we are inherently faulty or anything.

Probably many of us didn't get enough positive attention growing up, so it's normal that we'd want attention now. That too can reduce through healing.

Memories may come back when we have the strength and the internal resources to deal with them, to feel them. It can be damaging if they come back too early e.g. if a therapist forces them, so though it's hard, please give yourself time to recover.  I still don't understand everything about myself or my traumatic past or my dysfunctional family fully. In the past a simple realisation about something in my family could send me sprawling psychologically for months. It's no longer that bad, maybe a few days is all.

[smile5]

Thank you for your response I appreciate it.

Thanks for sharing you have struggled with getting attached to females too. It is funny because I feel like saying to you that you shouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed, shame I couldn't say it to myself.


I feel I am more aware or should I say accepting that a lot of damage has been caused. It is just a struggle at times. In one breath I feel like I am moving forward, then I just get hit with so much anger. Something I don't know if I can learn to move on from. Recently a professional apologised to me for what I had been through and I responded by saying they didn't need to apologise. I think I responded that way on instinct, almost as if saying "oh it weren't that bad". When I left I felt quite emotional, I realised that someone had recognised how much I had been affected. That is real, that they believe me and understand how much I hate myself.


I know those involved in my experiences will never admit to their behaviour and actions. I have tried in the past and the response has been "oh I would never say that", "I didn't mean it that way". Lets just say after that conversation the rest of the evening was spent in silence. I was hurt that now my experiences were being blamed on me being 'sensitive' or not hearing correctly. Nothing worse than having your feelings questionned or being blamed on my way of being. I don't think I will ever go there again.

How does one begin to heal? I know it is different for every individual, but I am finding it hard to move forward. I have never been in a relationship, cannot work/study, feel like I will never have children (because of different things). I feel like I am just getting through each day.

The T I had EMDR with did say they didn't want to rush in to things. I feel they didn't want to risk me not being able to cope should memories come up. It is a hard one, because I would like to understand better and almost have concrete evidence, but part of me doesn't want to remember things. I cannot even think of myself as child, I shut down straight away.

I am pleased to hear that you feel you have healed a bit and now the spiral only lasts days rather than months. I hope with time this will improve more.