Discovery Journal

[Deep Blue]

I second what Jdog said!

I adore you and will be forever grateful to you for helping me through a very tough time.    and love to you sweetie

[sanmagic7]

someone showed me that broken pottery image, how beautiful it looks.  i think it's a wonderful analogy for us.  your words are beautiful, your strength, your courage, your heart.  my life is more beautiful for having known you.   

sending love and a hug filled w/ beauty at its core.   

[Three Roses]

Deep Blue & San 

This weekend, our youngest son (33) will be up for a visit. It's our eldest son's birthday soon and we'll be celebrating it tonight with a bbq. I'm looking forward to spending time together as a family! I don't feel any of the jangly nervousness that I have in the past.

Although it's been rough to finally uncover and face the reality of my violent past, it's been so, SO worth it! In mentally dissecting and examining those painful, traumatic events I've been able to bring them to the fore so I can challenge the anxious thoughts and dysfunctional beliefs that can overtake me. I'm not even hoping that it's permanent, if it's just day to day I think that's a better plan. An expectation to have no expectations! 

Pete Walker: "Insight, as crucially important as it is, is never enough to attain the deeper levels of recovering." (p 216, "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving)

I'm learning how to calm my anxious body thru top-down communication - staying mindful of not only my thoughts and beliefs but also slowing my breathing, breathing deeply, and taking time to really experience my surroundings. To look and really see.

[Blueberry]

I'm looking forward to spending time together as a family! I don't feel any of the jangly nervousness that I have in the past.

Yay on the nervousness having disappeared!

[Not Alone]

  For all that you posted today. Huge progress on many fronts. 

[Three Roses]

Long, but necessary. 😊

I start to feel enthusiasm and/or interest – then something takes over. I find reasons why not to do the thing I'm interested in and become crippled and over-stimulated by fear. If I take that trip to visit a friend, will my car break down? If the car breaks down, will I be in danger of violence? Will H be unhappy, angry or hurtful that I'm spending money, or that I'm getting and/or seeking  attention and companionship in others, although it's healthy to have friends?

So I got out my "From Surviving To Thriving" book and poked around some, and what it said about the Inner Critic really jumped out at me.

Page 25-26, "From Surviving To Thriving"
SHRINKING THE INNER CRITIC
Early abuse and abandonment forces the child to merge his identity with the superego, the part of the child's brain that learns the rules of her caretakers in order to get and maintain acceptance. However, because acceptance is impossible in the cptsd–engendering family, the superego gets stuck working overtime to achieve the impossible. Perseverating on finding a formula to win over her parents, the child eventually embraces perfectionism as a strategy to make her parents less dangerous and more engaging. Her one hope is that if she becomes smart, helpful, pretty, and flawless enough, her parents will finally care for her.

Sadly, continued failure at winning their regard forces her to conclude that she is fatally flawed. She (concludes that) she is loveless not because of her mistakes, but because she is a mistake. She can only see what is wrong with or missing in her.

Anything she does, says, thinks, imagines or feels has the potential to spiral her down into a depressed abyss of fear and toxic shame. Her superego fledges into a full-blown, trauma inducing critic.

Self-criticism, then, runs non-stop in a desperate attempt to avoid rejection-inducing mistakes. Drasticizing becomes obsessive to help the child foresee and avoid punishment and worsening abandonment. At the same time, it continuously fills her psyche with stories and images of catastrophe.

The survivor becomes imprisoned by a jailer who will accept nothing but perfection. She is chauffeured by a hysterical driver who sees nothing but danger in every turn of the road.

P. 169
In my work with survivors, I am continuously struck by how often the inner critic triggers them into overwhelming emotional flashbacks. The Cptsd-derived inner critic weds our fear of abandonment to our self-hate about our imperfections. It then tortures us with the entwined serpents of perfectionism and endangerment. Endangerment is the process of constantly protecting danger onto safe–enough situations.

🥀🥀🥀

I'm going to have to enlist the help of my inner Angry Teen. I need to get over this fear I have of everything. I'm locked by endangerment/hypervigilance in a state of immobility and inertia. If I do nothing, my inner critic seems to think, I won't be in danger. But by doing nothing, I make myself unhappy, and open myself to criticism for being under-active! It's a no win situation, and I need to extricate myself from this inability to do anything.

I love my inner Angry Teen. I call on her when I feel fearful, and let her take the driver's seat. "Forget about what other people think!" she says to me. "Do what you want!" Her forthright and excited approach to the world is exactly what I need right now.

I call her my Angry Teen, but she's not so much angry as throwing off the constraints she's felt, and is making her way out into the world around her, as is fitting, healthy, and normal for any teen.

[MoonBeam]

I love my inner Angry Teen. I call on her when I feel fearful, and let her take the driver's seat. "Forget about what other people think!" she says to me. "Do what you want!" Her forthright and excited approach to the world is exactly what I need right now.

I call her my Angry Teen, but she's not so much angry as throwing off the constraints she's felt, and is making her way out into the world around her, as is fitting, healthy, and normal for any teen.

I love this Three Roses. She is wise and brave, as is grown up you for embracing and valuing her wisdom, excitement and courage.

[Blueberry]

Those quotations from Pete Walker mean so much to me too! Also the scenario you described about being interested or enthusiatic then 'something takes over'. I'm very familiar with that too. So thank you for making the connect for me between that situation and ICr.

So glad for you that you can enlist help from Inner Angry Teen throwing off the constraints!

You're making huge strides forward atm! Wow!! 

[Tee]

Good for you go for it have some fun you deserve it!

My ICr is currently wreaking havock though. I have a meeting with HR on Wednesday about the new job opportunity that I can't let myself get excited about.  . I really want it and think I would be good but feel like it's not going to go my way. trying to stay positive.  Keep me in your thoughts I'll let you guys know how it goes.

[Three Roses]

Keep me in your thoughts I'll you guys know how it goes.

[SharpAndBlunt]

  3R, I really recognise your sensation of when "something takes over". I experience it also, as something like a cringe, whenever I feel an emotion. In me, I think it's an overactive learned protection mechanism. I think you're doing great. Sending my very best. 

SaB

[Tee]

I like your new picture too 3R

[sanmagic7]

3r, this is inspiring.  honestly, the idea of leaning on inner angry teen is amazing.  i think it's the perfect example of how to break out of the loop that has strangled us and prevented us from being and knowing our own best selves.       you are so right - teens need to throw off the yokes of the parents in order to discover who they are themselves.  in a healthy upbringing, that 'rebellion' is recognized for what it is, and a healthy parent will understand, guide, and encourage.  sounds like that's exactly what you're doing!   

well done for going the extra steps for yourself to discover what's really going on w/ you when this crapola hits your fan.       quite a bit of courage and determination needed to do this, so i hope you're able to give yourself some credit - no, lots of credit!  you are great!  sending love always, and a hug full of continued insight and awareness   

[Three Roses]

I think it's an overactive learned protection mechanism

SharpAndBlunt, that's how it feels to me, too. 

Thanks, Tee! I make them with a free app.

the idea of leaning on inner angry teen is amazing.  i think it's the perfect example of how to break out of the loop that has strangled us

San, I feel like if those inner kids are in there, I'm going to give them as much expressive freedom as I can, and take the gifts they offer. 

Thanks to all for your support and encouragement, it means the world to me. 

[Tee]

That's cool what app if you don't mind me asking?