traumatized in psych ward (Trigger Warning)

[artemis23]

I haven't posted in a long time. Haven't been well for a long time.

So, about a month ago I went to the pysch ward for SI voluntary. They didn't tell me they put me on a 5150 hold (illegal to not inform me) then shipped me down to another hospital because county psych here is horrific and overpopulated and more like prison. I thought maybe this would be good, but I wasn't suicidal anymore. This other place put me on a 5250 two week involuntary hold and lied the whole time so they could force me to rapid taper off of valium. I am now completely losing my sanity. It was a nightmare in there. They put me on megadoses of gabapentin with horrific side effects. They trapped me and I had nurses laughing at me and telling me benzo withdrawal isn't real. In the end I had to pretend to be compliant to get out. Now i've been in my house a couple weeks losing it. I had to reinstate the valium because I couldn't take the horrible withdrawals anymore. I'm 100x worse off then when I went to the psych ward. I feel completely hopeless. 

I've been doing erratic things and feel like I've lost my sanity. I smashed my phone with a hammer. I ordered a bunch of stuff online. I'm binging on sugar. My impulse control is gone.  I can't take meds to stabilize I have massive reactions to literally ALL of them. I don't have any hope left. I'm really scared. I don't have any support and there is no way IN * I am ever calling 911 or going to a psych ward again.  I tried to go to online crisis chat and waited hours no one responds. I'm scared and I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. Sorry 

[Laura90]

Oh artemis,
I'm so so SO sorry. Reading your post made me feel so angry on your behalf. How dare they treat you, neglect you and misuse your trust and dignity like this?

But most importantly in this moment, how are you?
As in, I can't imagine the flippin pain and craziness you're in, but do you feel you can keep yourself alive or relatively risk free?

If not, do you have anyone you can put your trust in to reach out to? Even if only slightly, a neighbour, friend? Could they help you get to the ER and them help explain why things have got so bad?

It sounds like despite all efforts to not want the barbaric treatment of hospital, you're really unwell at the mo. Coukd you stay with anyone, or could anyone take your couch?

I'm really hearing you. I am so so sorry again. I know the injustice of this stuff. I was religiously groomed and smuggled over to another country by my named nurse at a private hospital I was sent to for what they thought was bpd I had.

I just want you to know in the crazy dark madness you're feeling at the moment, try and be with someone so they can keep that observant second person watch with you in case things really are beyond your control.

We're are here, I'm here. You're not alone even though you probably feel it. I'm caringly sending warm, safe and kind vibes and wishes to you.

[salto]

Sorry, I have no answer. But I'm listening to your pain. 

[Kat]

What an absolute nightmare!  I hate that they put you on both the 5150 and the 5250.  That makes me so angry.  Ugh...and then all the mistreatment with the meds etc.  It's easy to see why you're feeling so out of control.  I did the crisis hotline thing recently and had a similar experience.  No help.

Obviously, the whole event was retraumatizing.  It also sounds like it triggered some horrible emotional flashbacks.  Can you feel the part of you, the True you, that has been so strong and determined and gotten you through so much in your life?  I hope so.  If you can, hold onto that.  That part of you wants to live.  I know this sounds all rosy and sunshiny, but it's not meant to.  You're in a very serious, very dangerous situation right now and it hurts like *.  But I believe in you, in the True you.  That fighter has what it takes.  Please keep coming back.  It may help pass the time and remind you that you're not alone in this even if it feels like it.

[artemis23]

Thanks guys. I'll never go to the hospital again. Ever. I will literally just end up in the same place and they will be the same. So there is no safe place. And I'm losing it.

[Kizzie]

I am truly sorry for all that you have gone through Artemis and how it has left you feeling.   

I do think there are safe people and places, we just have to find them and that's so hard to do when you're  barely holding your head above water I know. 

Is there someone IRL who can help you look for treatment/support as several members have suggested?  Would you be willing to try another help line or organization for people in distress?  If so there are alternative numbers here. If one  is not of any real help, the next one may be.  One thing you might consider doing is making a Safety Plan for yourself with some guidance from the "Staying Safe" web site - see http://stayingsafe.net/home.

Also what about talking with the doctor who prescribed you Valium and tell them what has happened and discuss safe options for what to do/not do next?  I.e.,  new medication, safe plan to wean off Valium, local support programs .... 

The last suggestion I have is to keep posting here about what has led you to a dark place right now. Sometimes just getting the trauma out and having caring compassionate people listen can relieve a lot of internal pressure and shine some light into that darkness.

I really hope you can summon up the will to find something that works for you because you really are worth it.