Possible Triggers (CSA, Emotional Abuse/Neglect, etc) : Where do I even begin?

[catmom7]

Hi there,
I'm a twenty year old female who recently received a CPTSD diagnosis this past month after finally establishing a good relationship with a therapist for the first time in my life. I've been nervous to post or even interact with anyone since I created my account, but I am in the middle of what I assume must be the hardest part in the recovery process as I recently had to stop working due to my mental health and the increasing severity of my fibromyalgia (which flares up a lot as I process my trauma). Recently I've become very isolated to the point where I rarely leave my house and I have two friends I see a handful of times a month, if that. I spend most days keeping my house clean, watching netflix or youtube, coloring, caring for my cats, and waiting for my partner to come home from work.
My trauma comes from both childhood (emotional abuse, neglect, sexual trauma) and adulthood (sexual trauma, physical abuse, emotional abuse, workplace harassment and stalking) and I feel the need to connect with others and share my story, but I'm so afraid. I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing, of inadvertently upsetting someone, of taking up too much space. This environment seems like a very positive and uplifting space and I fear I'll be too negative or really just too much for anyone to handle. I've been struggling with feeling like an impostor, or like I didn't have it that bad. My deepest issues come from my relationship with my mother, who exhibits a lot of narcissistic parent qualities and controlled my life and my identity covertly for years. When I was about 8 or 9, she introduced me to her then student who was 16 at the time, and she well, she's married to him now. He's eight years older than me and I spent my formative years stuck in a house with my mom's verbally-abusive adult-child partner she had worked with (at the high school I ended up going to) afraid of what he might do to me (he used to ask me to sing for him when we were alone, ask to touch my eyelashes, driving 90MPH in a car to 'show off' for me, all creepy but never obviously messed up, never enough to get him in trouble), of what she was willing to do to children, and what professional, "trust-worthy" could get away with... but that's for another time.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to achieve by posting this, I guess I just wanted to say hi and air out some of my fears and I guess a little of my trauma as well. I tend to be very anxious by nature, so sorry about that and for the apologies, I do that a lot too.
I hope you all are safe today, best wishes and thank you for listening.

[Hope67]

Hi catmom7,
I'd like to welcome you - and say that I am so glad that you felt you could post this today.  I remember that it took me a long time to feel brave enough to post anything - I literally joined and then felt unable to say anything here, for a few months (I think) - and yet when I finally did, I was so pleased by how kind people were, and so what I'm trying to say (in a long-winded way it seems) is that I'm glad you felt able to post something - and I hope you'll find this place supportive too.
I read what you wrote here, and I hope you feel ok to have written it - you've had to cope with a lot - and I hope that having your recent diagnosis of CPTSD has helped - it's so great that you've established a good relationship with your therapist for the first time in your life - and I wish you well with everything.  Hope to see you around, and I think you made a great start, in posting today.
Hope 

[catmom7]

Hi catmom7,
I'd like to welcome you - and say that I am so glad that you felt you could post this today.  I remember that it took me a long time to feel brave enough to post anything - I literally joined and then felt unable to say anything here, for a few months (I think) - and yet when I finally did, I was so pleased by how kind people were, and so what I'm trying to say (in a long-winded way it seems) is that I'm glad you felt able to post something - and I hope you'll find this place supportive too.
I read what you wrote here, and I hope you feel ok to have written it - you've had to cope with a lot - and I hope that having your recent diagnosis of CPTSD has helped - it's so great that you've established a good relationship with your therapist for the first time in your life - and I wish you well with everything.  Hope to see you around, and I think you made a great start, in posting today.
Hope 

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement, they mean more than you know. Receiving a diagnosis helped validate a lot of feelings I had been holding in for so long, it made me realize that what I had seen and gone through wasn't acceptable or 'normal'. Your words were just what I needed to hear, I'm glad I built up the courage to post as well. 

[Three Roses]

Hello catmom, welcome! Yes, it's daunting to post here at times; but you did it! I'm glad you're here. I hope you get a sense of community here as so many others of us have. There are bumps in the road, for sure, and having compassionate others, who can relate, to talk to is a huge help. 

[Deep Blue]

Welcome Catmom!
  welcome to the forum and congrats on finding the courage to post.  Hope to hear more from you!

[Kizzie]

Hi and another warm welcome to OOTS CatMom, so glad you found your way here and worked up the courage to post.     I too struggled with posting at first but over time I relaxed and as I felt more comfortable the words flowed.  I hope the same is true for you     

I also wanted to mention that if you have CPTSD then what you endured was bad enough so plse don't fret about that. In the end if our core self was made to feel unloved, unwanted, unsafe, worthless, defective, shameful -  all the negative feelings and beliefs that abuse/neglect fosters in us, we have been traumatized in the very centre of our being. So, no matter the type of abuse/neglect we each endured, in the end we all end up with a set of common symptoms unfortunately.   

[catmom7]

Thank you all for your supportive words. It really means a lot to feel safe to speak about these issues with a community that understands.
Kizzie-I'm coming to terms with the fact my feelings alone dictate the severity of the situation. It's hard to recognize the trauma for what it is sometimes. Thank you for being so validating, you're very kind.
Deep Blue-Thank you for the warm welcome! The encouragement means a lot.
Three Roses-The compassion I've seen on here is what brought me here. You're right about bumps in the road, but at least I feel like the healing process is in motion. Thank you for the support, it means more than you know.

[Kizzie]

 

[Not Alone]

Dear Catmom,
You are valuable and welcome. Very courageous to share what you did. You are dealing with a lot and it is really hard. Glad you are part of this group to have more support.