Came out of therapy feeling more damaged than I already thought I was

[LilyITV]

I am still coming to terms with the fact that I suffer from C-PTSD.  I've been living with this for so many years and thought I was "normal."  I definitely minimize the abuse I've suffered and sometimes fear I'm just a weak person and have nothing else really wrong with me. 

But yesterday I came out of therapy feeling like I'm all messed up.    The past couple of weeks have been really difficult for me and I've been feeling really depressed and hopeless.  My financial worries and difficulties with my blended family sent me into a negative spiral.  I've never been treated long term for depression before, but now it's dawning on me that I probably have been suffering from it most of my life.  The tools I've been learning in therapy for anxiety have been helping, but the way I was feeling the last couple of weeks was very frightening. 

When I walked in the door, my therapist could tell immediately I was down in the dumps.  We talked a bit about how I was managing my feelings and she noted some of the positive changes I've been able to make and I mentioned how proud and happy I was that I had made some changes.  She then noted that I although I was saying I was "happy", "happy" was not reflecting in my voice.  I recall in the past I had a couple of people note that I have a "flat affect".  I googled and of course Dr. Google now has me feeling like I'm a very, very ill person.

Then we started talking about how I often feel anxious about going home because a lot of times I will go home and the house will be all in chaos (husband and teenage mess).  My therapist didn't seem to get why that made me feel anxious and I told her I can't feel at peace when the house looks like a warzone and I feel like I have to clean it up right then.  She suggested I needed to take a few moments for myself to decompress before going into my nightly duties and I told her that no, I really need to make sure I start dinner for my kids and make sure the house is in order first. 

So what if it's messy for a while, she asks?  Because if I don't do it right then it's all going to pile up and be that much harder, I say.  Is getting the house in order more important than taking care of yourself first, she asks?  I think about it and yes, I feel that I can't relax until the house is in order, not even for the 5 minute time out she suggested I take upon going home. 

My therapist said she was very concerned about my need to make sure my house is orderly. (!).  I'm not even a clean freak I just need a certain level of order and certain things to be just so.  I was pretty surprised that she was so concerned about this and thought that this was reasonable. 

So now it sounds to me that I also have some OCD mixed in with the C-PTSD, depression and anxiety.  Even if it's all mild stuff, it just sounds like a lot to deal with. 

[Blueberry]

 

[Three Roses]

Hmmm... It occurs to me that I sometimes feel that way too, having to tidy up immediately. I am by no means OCD tho, I believe you can have some traits without the diagnosis. There are other little things that must be just-so in order it me to feel comfortable but it doesn't interfere with my life.

There are other reasons besides OCD why you may feel the absolute necessity to clean before you are ready to care for yourself; for example, if you've ever experienced anger from someone for messes, it could be that messes trigger you into an EF.

I agree, tho, that care of yourself is more important than a clean house. It's like putting on your air mask first in case of an emergency in flight; by caring for ourselves first, we can "be there" more for the little things that are important to us. Maybe don't go in to your home right away after therapy - treat yourself to a cup of coffee or tea, visit the library, or sit at a park somewhere to let things from the therapy session sort of gel within you before it gets buried and you get on with your day. Just an idea. 

Best wishes to you in this! 

[Kizzie]

I like TR's idea of maybe not going straight home and giving yourself some me time before you do. Sounds like a positive thing to do for yourself, to take a breath after what can be an emotional time.

The other thing I thought of was maybe you could talk with your family about how coming home to a mess makes you feel (which I don't think is particularly OCD by the way, who likes coming home to that?), and enlist their help to be tidier? If the family makes a mess, the family should clean it up 

And maybe on therapy days  you or your H could make a slow cooker meal or casserole so supper is ready and you and your family can pretty much sit right down and tuck in at the end of the day. 

[LilyITV]

Thanks you all so much for your kind replies!

Three Roses, yes, yes, yes, I think that the messes being a EF trigger definitely makes more sense than OCD.  Having to pick up after my husband and stepdaughter makes me so angry sometimes even if it's just an inadvertent thing out of place.  Blended family life in general I think has been uber triggering for me--it's what drove me to therapy in the first place.   I've always thought of home as a safe place and growing up I always had my own space where I could be completely alone.  I think I absolutely need my own space because it gives me a sense of control.  I don't even like having people over to my house.  Currently I don't have any place in the house that is truly "mine"  and it's really rough.  I come from work stressed out and then I go home not feeling like I have a place where I can escape and decompress from it.

Kizzie my therapist made the exact suggestion and it definitely makes sense.   It's really hard for me to communicate what I want, but it's something I'm going to have to work on.  I never feel like I have the ability to ask for what I want and get it.  I think if I could just walk in to the house and know that everyday it's going to be in the same general condition as it was when I left, that would really go a long way towards calming my nerves. 

I also like being able to open the door and things are calm.  I am the last one home most days so I realize it's not very reasonable for me to expect everyone else to freeze or stay in their rooms until I get home, but maybe it might help everyone understand what I'm going through.

I had never thought about taking a break after therapy before going home but it does sound nice.  After a lot of sessions I often feel quite drained.   I have been squeezing therapy in right at the last second before I go home to the chaos of three kids, homework and bedtime routines.  My therapist does have weekend hours so maybe I could work it to where I could go on a Saturday.   

[Kizzie]

Sounds like you've got this Lily     and       

[LilyITV]

Thanks for the support!  I wish I felt like I was making a lot of progress.  It seems every time I feel like I'm moving forward one step, I'm immediately smacked back three.  Will it ever get to the point where I don't feel like I'm fighting all the time just to keep my head above water???  My therapist tells me to celebrate small victories, but I'm almost afraid to because it seems those victories are always short-lived. 

Now that I've typed this out I realize I am sounding quite woe-is-me.  I guess she'd tell me to enjoy the victories and wait until the other shoe actually drops to to worry about it...

[Three Roses]

You do not sound all woe-is-me.   

Healing is very seldom a straight line. Set backs will occur; it's frustrating but it's more important to not rush yourself. Your timetable for healing is uniquely yours. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, lily,

i understand that feeling of not having your own space.  while i was married and raising children, my H and i bought recliners, and those were designated 'our' chairs.  his was his, mine was mine, and the kids had the couch and carpet to sit on.  they could only sit on our chairs with permission, and that was granted only when we weren't going to be sitting on them.

it wasn't much, but we had a small house, and it felt good to be able to claim even that small of a space as mine.  it helped teach respect, i think.   best to you with this.  i think you're doing well with it all.  blended families can be difficult, for sure.  as 3r said, healing does not go in a straight line, but it does progress.  when i think of where i was a year ago, i can see it much more clearly than just looking day to day.  i hope you can as well.

sending love and a lovely, warm hug to you.

[Blueberry]

I wish I felt like I was making a lot of progress.  It seems every time I feel like I'm moving forward one step, I'm immediately smacked back three.  Will it ever get to the point where I don't feel like I'm fighting all the time just to keep my head above water??? 

Move forward one step, get knocked back three? It used to feel like that to me too, not so long ago either. It no longer feels that way. So I really think there does come a time when it doesn't feel as if you're just fighting to keep from going under. 

[Kizzie]

It's really common to be frustrated (vs woe is me) with not making enough progress quickly Lily. One way of being able to celebrate the small victories is to see how they add up through a journal.  I (ahem) don't write in mine now as much as I used to but when I do go into it and read old posts I can see all the little steps and where I am now compared to where I was.  Just a thought 

Also, imo part of recovery/healing is being able to see where you need to go and that's what I meant by you got this.  I had no idea for a long time - it was just a big old sea of chaos & darkness stretching out in front of me,  but when I was able to see what healing/recovery looked like I felt more like I was moving toward it slowly but surely.

[LilyITV]

Thank you all so much!  These past few days have been so difficult and I can't tell you how much I needed this positivity right now. 

[Kizzie]