I want out of the storm.

[JArchibeque]

This is a tough post to write. I keep starting and then second guessing myself. I guess I don't know what this introductory post should look like, but I just want to start by saying I am grateful for this forum. I don't know anyone else who is going through recovery and I just recently realized that I have CPTSD, not that I am fundamentally just a scared/mean/controlling person. There is a reason why I feel this way, why I act this way, and I can change it. There is hope, although at this very moment, it doesn't feel that way.

I am thirty years old. I have about a dozen people who were once in my life, but who now refuse to talk to me. I wonder if my current partner of 3+ years and I are headed in the same direction. He keeps reiterating how embarrassing and exhausting I am. I don't blame him... Whenever I start to face my symptoms, they get worse, and fights and flashbacks escalate. I have finally started therapy, and I think that this forum may also help me to quit hating on myself so much.

My trauma was experienced in childhood. I don't know my bio father, although he lives in my city. First step-dad physically abused my mom and then disappeared. Second stepdad was a cheater, a convicted pedophile, and an emotional and psychological abuser. But he came back in our lives after prison because my family was incredibly religious and believed in redemption over protecting children. My mom developed epilepsy a couple weeks before he got out of prison. She continued to have seizures and was very medicated through out my preteens, leaving me and my sisters to fend for ourselves against step-dad's abuse. When they finally divorced when I was fourteen, my mom and sister started to have physical altercations regularly, until she finally turned 18 and charged my mom with assault.

I've come to realize recently that my trauma is perhaps more rooted in my mother's neglect than my step father's grooming and tirades. She often dismissed me as "too emotional" and looked at me with disgust. I'm fairly certain she has CPTSD, too, and she just didn't know how to properly nurture or soothe.

So there's all that. And it's not my fault. But it is my daily pain. It is never feeling at home or safe in my body or my relationships.

Here's to recovery. Looking forward to getting to know you.

[woodsgnome]

  Hi ~ welcome to OOTS, even it it's a result of so many things that get screwed up in our lives. Untangling them can be challenging, to say the least; but at least by coming on here it shows a willingness to learn, share, and perhaps discover who we are once we commit to trying to find a new direction.

It is hard, as you noted, to even say out loud what's been happening to make this so bad. It can easily seem like an impossible task. At least by being here there's a connection with others who've been on similar journeys. The hardest part I've always found is even having one person with whom the totality of this rotten trip can be shared.

I hope you can find some semblance of relief by visiting here. There's lots of info, some of it discouraging but much to aid greater self-understanding, and self-compassion to foster as well. But the most important is just knowing there are people on here who 'get it'.

[Three Roses]

Hello, JArchibeque, welcome. You're in good company here and will find that we will understand your symptoms without judging. Not only that but we struggle with at least some of the same symptoms.

For many years, most of my life really, I felt completely "other" compared to the people around me - friends, family, coworkers. It was a revelation to find this forum where people not only did not judge, they experienced the same feelings, and had insight in how to deal with them! And so coming here I've felt less alone, less like an alien being in a human planet. I hope you'll find the same.

[saturnine]

Welcome! I resonate so much with the feeling that the pain stays with you every day and not feeling safe in the world. I too suffered from paternal abuse and maternal negligence, and the negligence feels way more difficult to make sense of. I hope the forum here helps you

[Deep Blue]

Hey,
Just wanted to say welcome 

I remember writing my first post and how nervous I was about it. When you have a lifetime of others judging you and demeaning you it was a relief for me to meet others on the forum who did none of that.  The people here are caring and nonjudgmental.  That in itself has been a major piece of my recovery journey.

[JArchibeque]

Thank you to everyone who responded to my post. It is a relief to feel welcome in a space where people 'get it.' Sometimes I think the people in my life believe me about my mental health experiences, but most of the time I get the feeling that they believe that 1. I'm making excuses to excuse erratic/controlling/emotional character flaws or 2. that I'm blowing everything out of proportion to get attention. Just to be believed and understood is very helpful.

[SJH]

I can really relate to people believing you or not. I have felt those 2 feelings you mentioned many times and has stopped me being more honest in the past I think.

Reading posts like yours on here makes me believe I'm not crazy or manipulative, but a victim and that there other people out there like me who also feel exactly the same emotions.

I am also new to this site, so welcome!

S