Depression and SI *TW*

[Wattlebird]

I've been thinking about how depression and SI don't always seem to go hand in hand,
I feel as though I'm not experiencing the depression I have in the past, I'm much more present and aware but I seem to idealise suicide a whole lot more, not that I have any intention of self harm I just don't see why people get so worked up about it, I know this is warped thinking but it doesn't seem to be coming from depression as such, Or was I dissociated & depressed & now I'm just depressed but because I can feel my emotions it's more painful hence the SI
Before my depression was no energy no motivation no pleasure in life no direction
Now I have more direction and motivation more pleasure but a whole lot more pain and 'discomfort with myself'

[Three Roses]

 

[Blueberry]

fwiw in really depressive phases I don't have the energy/motivation to do anything, not even think about SI. That was my saving grace as a teenager and on into my early 20's.

It makes sense to me that feeling emotions more could lead to SI. So long as we don't act on it in any way, apart from talking about it with the appropriate people and getting help, then maybe it isn't a huge gigantic deal. It really does depend on what we do with these thoughts. btw SI stands for 'suicide ideation' and not 'suicide idealisation'. Idealising it sounds worse to me than ideas drifting through your mind or Inner Critic 'suggesting' it. My Inner Critic is not me, it's the abusive voices of FOO still embedded in me.

My T helped me by pointing out that as a child I didn't have a lot of options. I had severe depression in which I felt terrible exhaustion and no motivation to do anything and I had phases of fear, emotional pain, sadness, rage at the injustice etc etc but there was no escape.

My SI is more a voice than anything else and I would say now this voice is my Inner Critic. My T suggested I tell the Inner Children I (and they) have other options now. SI isn't necessary but nor is staying in all the pain and fear. Before my T suggested that, I did find that voice very hard-going, very worrying. I hope some of my experience or thoughts might help you a bit.

Standing with you whatever 

[Wattlebird]

Yes it has been a concern for me because I thought I was improving my mental health and ideas flitting around about dying don't seem very healthy. During a conversation with a friend on this topic I realised what I was thinking and thought ow dear I'm not in a good place atm

But I can see that it is a sign of improvement since I'm now feeling things again, I am honest and upfront about these thoughts with my t and she is giving me similar advice blueberry actually she said pretty much exactly the same you have other options now, she and I can do things that I wasn't able to do when young and alone.

[Blueberry]

It's certainly good that you can be upfront with your T about this, I mean that your T is willing to listen and help in non-judgemental way.

[Wattlebird]

Yeah she is great
Thanks blueberry
*sorry started ranting without thinking