I am *NOT* an 'alcoholic'!

[GoSlash27]

All,
 Just like the rest of you,I am a survivor of a lot of really dark and horrible stuff. Honestly I shouldn't even be alive at this point, but I am anyway.

 Like someone escaping a shipwreck and going into survival mode on a desert island, I just did whatever I had to do to survive. It kept me alive, but also stranded me.
 
 All of the stuff that I do that people view as 'selfless' and 'altruistic' are really just expressions of my frustration at the fact that I don't know what to do to help myself. If I can help someone else in trouble *maybe* that will somehow show me a way home.

 Likewise, all of the "negative" habits I have developed are simply survival mechanisms. They are not "weakness", they are simply the most expedient way *I* have found to carry on until I can find something better.

 I'm not 'addicted' to anything at all (despite my FOO's best efforts to make me that way). I hate feeling like my perceptions and reality have been altered. Whenever they did that to me, I ran away and desperately tried to 'sleep it off'. I need to feel normal; like I'm in control and know what to do next.

 I drink approximately 9 beers every night. I've done it for 15 years or so. I don't do it because I'm "addicted" to being drunk (I hate being drunk), I do it because if I don't drink, I can't sleep.

 I have to sleep so I can carry on. Simple as.

 I cannot give this up until I find a healthier way to sleep at night. When I find that, I will stop, but not before.

 I am trapped on my island, just surviving one day at a time. I cannot be rescued until I am convinced that the rescue attempt won't result in my death. I have seen too many die in the attempt to trust others easily. But I really do hope to escape this.

Best,
-Slashy

[Kizzie]

A lot of self-medicating is about numbing ourselves so we can keep the pain at bay or in your case get to sleep at night. Just my thoughts here of course but there are medications that will help and not cause you to develop liver disease. Maybe see your GP and have a frank conversation?   

[GoSlash27]

Kizzie,
 I don't do any 'medication'. Never have, never will.

 I use alcohol to sleep because I know what's in it. Maybe that's dumb, but I'm set on it until I find a better way.

 Best,
-Slashy

[Kizzie]

Fair enough Slashy. I know some people use substances like weed to help them asleep. That might be worth a try.  It's legal here in Canada so there's quite a lot of medicinal use nowadays.