How Trauma Affects Memory

[GoSlash27]

Hannah,
 "I don't know how much of what might be dissociation. And can dissociation be "I'm not all here"? Is that what it's like?"
 I had a heck of a time grasping the concept of "dissociation" myself because I've been dissociated most of my life. They always try to explain it in terms of comparison to not dissociated, which didn't do me much good.
 I'm an extreme case, so I'm the wrong person to ask. 
 I don't know how much of what might be dissociation. And can dissociation be "I'm not all here?"
 Fundamentally, yes. That's at the core of what dissociation is; living life on autopilot and not being present in the moment. But whether it's what you're dealing with, I have no idea.
 Is that what it's like?
 Not for me, no. But as I said, I'm an extreme case who's dissociated most of the time. I experience it as the damage that it's caused. Disjointed memories and alienated sense of "self". Sometimes I feel like a spectator following "me" around and documenting "my" life without any active participation. I can't look into my own eyes in a mirror or take a selfie without feeling unsettled.
 I spend a lot of time obsessively trying to piece together my muddled memories. *HERE*! *This* little detail in this memory is something I can look up, put a date to, find some context.

 That's what it feels like for me, but for most it's not that bad.
 
Best,
-Slashy 

 

[HannahOne]

Haha, I agree, they try to explain it as opposed to "not dissociated." Which hasn't helped.

I see what you mean about experiencing dissociation as the damage that it's caused, difficulty with sense of self.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I am going to keep looking into it. It's difficult to understand one's own phenomenology... by definition what I experience is "normal" to me. It helps to compare it to other people's experience of what dissociation _is_ for them.