Planning for EFs

[Compost]

I'm not sure whether this is a strange thought but I'm wondering if anyone has a strategy for actively managing an EF in the context of it impacting other family members.

There are 6 in our blended family and unfortunately 1 child is a huge trigger for me at the moment.  I am learning how to manage EF for myself but my DH is really struggling.  He is very rational and used to being able to fix problems.  In the middle of an EF his way of trying to help (talking) triggers me more and everything escalates to the point where I have to shut myself away.  He believes that if he tells me how good I am I should believe it and be able to switch off the IC when in fact it makes it worse.  He is trying so hard to be supportive and is finding it hard that what he wants to do doesn't help.

How do others manage this?  I have talked to him about working on him allowing me to retreat when I say I'm in EF and to continue to offer non verbal support but does anyone have any other suggestions? 

[LilyITV]

Is it possible for you to politely remove yourself from the situation and then talk to him about it later?

I could understand how the positive self-talk would make things worse.  I wish your husband were able to listen and accept that you don't want to talk at that moment. 

I don't know if it's the same thing, but I remember how my dad would try to be supportive and coach me when I was struggling with low self esteem.  It felt like he was commanding me to feel a certain way, but when I wasn't able to do that, it made me feel worse. 

Also, just wanted to note that I am also in a blended family and reading your post has been helpful for me to understand how that situation can be triggering.  I'm thinking about how C-PTSD has affected my relationship with my stepdaughter. 

[goblinchild]

At a time when you're not having EFs, you might mention that wanting to help a loved one and not having the ability to do so is usually a hallmark of being in a relationship with someone who has some kind of disability. It's a difficult problem to have in a relationship! And it can be heartbreaking for both people. I would recommend trying to find time and a space that feels safe to both of you and attempt to talk it out. It's a painful conversation  but it helps. Understanding how your partner feels when they can't help and why it's important to them will help the problem feel clearer and easier to work out. Try to get to the root of it! And vice versa for you. How does all of this make you feel?

This is just a suggestion, but it might be helpful to both of you to remember that being protective of the ones you love, not wanting harm to come to them and wanting to make things better when it does is a similar but different sentiment than expressing that it matters when a loved one is hurt or suffering. A person must acknowledge that their loved ones are people who will go through struggles in life, many of which they will have to deal with themselves. But that doesn't negate the fact that you care when they're hurting and struggling. They're still valuable and loved. It's sad when they suffer. But they're still individuals who have to face their own struggles and that needs to be respected, even when it's hard.
Some people have trouble expressing that they care when you're suffering without trying to keep you from suffering at all. They have to learn that getting the suffering to stop or sheltering you from it is not equal to expressing that they deeply care when their loved one is hurt, and that you don't deserve to be suffering in that way.

Edit: I meant to mention that I really like your username and forgot to! I'm not sure if you see it this way, but when I saw it I thought of like...making something useful out of what others think is garbage, which facilitates growth and life. What a good name for a PSTD forum.

[Three Roses]

Some people have trouble expressing that they care when you're suffering without trying to keep you from suffering at all. They have to learn that getting the suffering to stop or sheltering you from it is not equal to expressing that they deeply care when their loved one is hurt, and that you don't deserve to be suffering in that way.

Love this, great insight.

[LilyITV]

This has been such a good thread with great advice.  I was majorly triggered this weekend and when I get triggered I get incredibly down, depressed, dejected, hopeless...

I'm recognizing that my husband also wants to be "Mr. Fix it" and can't stand to see me so sad.  When I get this way he seems to take it personally and feels responsible.    He feels  I am feeling this way because of something he did or didn't do. 

Goblinchild, I am going to try the right time to express what you said in your post to my husband.  That is exactly what I would want my husband to know but I haven't really stated it clearly.  I think it's important for me to discuss it with him at a time when I'm not feeling triggered.  I usually only try to tell him this when I'm going through it so timing may be an issue for me. 

[Kizzie]

Hey Compost, my H had a hard time understanding my need to retreat too but he did eventually get it, it just took a bit of time and some understanding about CPTSD and EFs.

Maybe if your H reads about what is an EF, how past trauma is triggered by something in the present and hijacks our amygdala in an overwhelming way, and that letting things calm down for a bit is a real strategy (versus fixing things for us) for dealing with things he will better understand exactly what is going on and how to help?  Perhaps too some discussion about why/how your child is hugely triggering by tying what happens in the present when your child triggers you to the past trauma you experienced would go a long way toward making sense of your reaction for him.