Newbie

[Compost]

Hi

I came across this website about a year ago but have only dipped in and out of reading so far as I find it both comforting and triggering at the same time.  I have come to believe I probably have cptsd through my own reading.

This is hard to write.  I was born to a narcissistic father and enabling mother and became the scapegoat eldest child of three.  In hindsight I understand I was emotionally and physically abused within the family and sexually abused outside the family when I was very young.   I have not had contact with my father except for family funerals for about 15 years however I continue a relatively close relationship with my mother (who unknowingly perpetuates many of the disordered communications of my childhood).  I have no contact with my adult siblings and as far as I'm aware am the only child to fully understand the make up of our family.

I have had an intermittent relationship with psychotherapy for several years now but am in a place where I feel like I need to communicate with people 'like me'.  I feel grateful to have more understanding of who I am but am at times completely overwhelmed by the enormity of the effects on my life.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome Compost     Glad you decided to post, it sounds like you're definitely ready to explore things  and I hope you will find this a safe and supportive place to do so. 

I'm curious (and don't feel obligated to answer of course) how your M views your lack of contact with your F and siblings?  I ask because I am not in contact with my B or extended family and my M never mentions it.  It's strange but that's how she keeps her perfect family image going I guess. (My M has NPD and is a stealth or covert N so isn't upfront about much.  I am LC with her which helps as we don't get onto the conflicts we used to have.)

[Compost]

Thank you both.

I've been thinking about my M's reactions to my NC.  My relationship with my M is not a particularly healthy one,  Growing up I was her confidant and took on role of emotional caretaker (I have deliberately moved away from this role in the last couple of years).  She and my F separated about 15 years ago so that bit is straightforward although she doesn't like me talking about it.  My NC with siblings is more complicated.  It upsets her a lot.  On the one hand she understands why I went NC but on the other she continues to perpetuate my scapegoat role - I suspect for her that complicates her ability to be consistent in her own feelings.  She will vacillate between being supportive and getting angry with me for feeling anything.  She has told me no one wants to hear about my feelings before.  Complicated!  When my DS and DD are old enough to manage their own relationship with her I will probably go LC.

[Kizzie]

So complicated and so much energy expended sigh.  I felt like a big set of ears for a good portion of my life as my B and I were our M's confidants (and gawd forbid if we did not give the right/desired reaction!). Going LC with her has been the best gift I could have given myself.

Anyway, you're in good company here, a lot of us get what you're dealing with.