How do you all cope with the depression? [TW Self Harm]

[dressymessy]

  I just got so depressed I had to quit my job.  It was kind of a slow creep but it got to the point I had to try not to hurt myself at my desk so that I could go home.  I worked at a really fantastic call center.  It was different in the fact we only take calls and don't do any cold calling or outbound sales.  I was actually making more money than I ever had at any other job and was feeling confident in my sales ability.  Eventually the job started wearing on me and I missed a couple of days of work and that affected the pay structure so I was making less, I was struggling more with calls and often found myself arguing with customers about why they aren't buying the product rather than closing the sale or abandoning the call. It all came to a head when I started considering suicide.  I kept it to myself and held out for as long as I could and ended up literally lying in bed and crying when my girlfriend tried to get me to move around or even mentioned work. Finally I just quit when it became apparent that I was thinking more and more about suicide.   

I quit before I could find a new job and this is the first time in over 5 years I haven't been working consistently.  Considering I'm on the younger side of this I've been  working for 1/4th of my life and its stressful not to have a job even if its temporary.  I have a lot of anxiety I'm dealing with now but I feel a lot better after just quitting. I even cleaned the whole house and revamped my resume to relieve some of that anxiety. I just don't know what else to do to manage the depression.  My diet is fine and I've been trying to exercise and practice good sleep hygiene but it's been difficult.  I don't want to go back on medication since I never found one that worked well but I don't know what else to do to manage the empty feeling that nothing I do matters.

[SE7]

Hi, I came over to this "frustrated" part of the forum after seeing the note about the "difficult day" forum. I'm thinking what do we do when EVERY day is a difficult day? So I came over here and saw your post

I've also quit jobs before before finding new ones. There are times when I got so triggered at jobs that I actually walked off the job. Literally packed up my desk at the end of the work day without telling anyone, cleaned all my stuff out, and just never went back. That's how bad it's been for me. I've had issues keeping jobs and applying for jobs. My last one I held onto though until there was a big layoff, and I've been in a frozen state having difficulty getting a new one since then. I waste an enormous amount of time when I could be trying harder to get one. I'm only here today because I just don't know how to handle this issue anymore, and I'm really, really depressed about it too.

It sounds like you based your self-worth on your job performance (perfectionism), and depression I think is the flip side of anxiety, they go together usually. You sound like me in the Flight trauma defense that Pete Walker talks about in his book about the 4 F's. I am usually in Flight or Freeze due to my CPTSD from being in a 100-percent covert narcissistic family.

I think it's so great that you cleaned your house & revamped your resume. Maybe it would be easier to find a job that isn't so performance-based like a call center, like something that gives more room for imperfections, like working on phases of a project.

As for how to cope, I can say what I'm going to try to do today ... read my two books on hidden abuse and CPTSD, and try to find just one job that I can apply to by midnight tonight. My goal is to gradually apply for one more each day until I'm up to 10 each day. I'm hoping that's not too perfectionistic, but I'm trying to take action without it feeling like too much at once.

Anyway, I really just posted to say hang in there, you're not alone, there's people like us.

[Blueberry]

dressymessy, I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time atm. It's easy for me to say from a fairly objective point of view even if doesn't always feel that way to you, but it sounds like it was a good idea to give up your job. 

I've had difficulties in the working world most of my life and have spent less than 5 years in full-time, salaried employment. It's now clear to me I'll never get back into that, in fact not even half-time. So I do understand how difficult it is and how empty and depressed it can make you feel. In bad phases, I feel useless at my lack of employment and I do have an inner voice, presumably Inner Critic who used to regularly tell me I was 'useless' and so on. 

Sometimes that voice can be overwhelming and that's when we need to reach out for professional help.  Please consider doing so - there's info about organizations you can contact here

[Blueberry]

Hi, I came over to this "frustrated" part of the forum after seeing the note about the "difficult day" forum. I'm thinking what do we do when EVERY day is a difficult day?

SE7, I know from experience that in certain stages of healing from cptsd that every day can feel terrible for months on end, especially when you have no professional help or the wrong professional help. The latter might have been more common 10-20 years ago. Though there are still members now who struggle with Ts who don't understand cptsd.

However it would rather defeat the purpose of the Exceptionally Difficult Day board if everybody having a difficult day wrote on it everytime they were having a difficult day. There are quite a few tools on the forum you can read about or even use which can help on difficult days. 

Blueberry

[Faker]

Blueberry, thank you for the link on Shrinking the Inner Critic (http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=62.msg263#msg263).  I have read the book but having the information here on my monitor at work is very helpful.  I struggle a lot with the horrible voice of my inner-critic.  It causes me to dissociate away from my adult recovery healthy self and into my wounded child or a dysfunctional coping part.  Once there, an EF is usually not far away.  I am starting to make progress with breaking the habitual pattern but it is hard.  Breathing, stretching, hard exercise, prayer, and talking to supportive friends all help.  I am finding that spending time on OOTS is becoming helpful also.

Thanks Again!

[Blueberry]

I'm glad it's helpful for you Faker 

[Kizzie]

DressyMessy - I am truly sorry to hear you are in a bad place. It's really important to reach out for professional help ASAP because as much as we here at OOTS would like to help we are not trained or equipped to handle this kind of crisis. 

Please do the best thing for you right now and that is to contact your physician, therapist or one of the following agencies that do have trained people who are willing and able to help in the best way possible for you: 

Befrienders Worldwide provides emotional support worldwide to prevent suicide - http://www.befrienders.org

    The International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP)  provides information about where to find help around the world - http://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/

    Your Life Counts - provides a comprehensive list of crisis hot lines and organizations around the world - http://www.yourlifecounts.org/need-help/crisis-lines

[Kizzie]

Please note that I have edited posts in this thread to bring them in line with our updated guideline about talking about suicide in this forum.