Tidy up triggers

[Gromit]

New Year, the tree comes down. OH started it, normally he would be walking the dog but he has hurt his toe & is being a martyr about walking the dog this holiday.

Whenever my OH gets into tiny-up mode I get triggered, because he usually gets irritated at the same time. Today the CD part of the Hifi system wouldn't work. Naturally, I use it, therefore my fault. It is dusty, my fault again. He wants son to clear up his bedroom as his new bed is coming this week, obviously the clutter elsewhere is my fault too.

I logically know that I take responsibility for keeping the house clean & tidy, not that he notices. My M was OCD, I have pretty high standards, but, I don't always have energy, & having the dog doesn't help, he attacks the vacuum. I would rather not break his old Hifi (nearly 30 years) by dusting it, that kind of thing does happen, so I leave it. I need to have space & time & the right mood to tackle some jobs, alone!

So, is it being found lacking that triggers me? Someone finding fault? Whenever he starts this it is like I am waiting for him to find something wrong, something that I can be blamed for. I want to hide away where I cannot hear what is going on. At the same time I want to know what is going on so I can put things right. I identify with Scapegoats.

This is a mild trigger now, I have lunch to cook. Tomorrow OH will be back at work, son back at school, my T back. But it will take a while for me to relax.

Positively, looking for a duvet in the loft for our son he found a brand new one up there that is the right size for us.

I am sure my OH's quick temper hides something, but I am not able to change it.

G

[Gwyon]

Ouch. I know the tidy up trigger well. And it doesn't necessarily need someone outside me, though my partner often triggers it. Sometimes everywhere I look and everything I think about is an indictment against me. I empathize.

[Three Roses]

Me, too. That tidy up thing really sets me off! 

[Gromit]

OMG I thought it was just me.

Gwyon do you mean that feeling when you are just going about your normal life and you notice something is dirty? I mean, yes, I know the inside of the fridge needs a clean but that is not something my OH would ever notice.

[Gwyon]

Yes. Dirty or in disrepair. Could make a list, but then I'd have to think about them 

[Mussymel]

My DH too gets into a mode of tidying or doing something domestic that would be deemed my job. I feel guilty and then get very stressed because inevitably he will get grumpy and shout at the dog or the kids. I didn't identify this as triggering (new to all of that) but it's so weird to read posts that sound like they've come from yourself!

[Blueberry]

Tidying up and cleaning both exhaust me beyond imaginable most of the time. Occasionally I can do a bunch and it feels good, really empowering. OTOH, I live alone so have nobody to please but myself. I can live in a dirty mess if I like.

These two "being found lacking / Someone finding fault" both trigger me. Even just the fear of them. Problem in the working world, but maybe even in my own housework? New thought.

[Gwyon]

These two "being found lacking / Someone finding fault" both trigger me. Even just the fear of them.

Yes, these are my core drivers. I must be perfect to be worthy. And beneath that is being neglected  as a newborn and being shamed as a child. So the unconscious narrative is "If only I do this next thing and avoid any mistakes. THEN maybe I'll be worthy"

I believe I am just  beginning to get a handle on it through mindful self-compassion. But it's slow, difficult progress.