Self Sabotage and Not Feeling Worthy

[Jdog]

Hi all-

I have been aware of my Cptsd and working on recovery daily for about 2 1/2 years now, and can see that I am making progress.  One thing that still is problematic is my tendency to feel undeserving of the victories in my life.  When I do something about which I feel some sense of pride, I jump almost immediately into some form of self-sabotage.  My favorite method at the moment is overeating, and though I am very fit and work out daily I can certainly out eat the calories burned and wind up miserable.  I look at the scales and see the proof that I am, indeed, defective.  These are the times when I most need self compassion, and ironically are the times I most deny that very kindness to myself.

Do others go through this as well?  I am not sure why successes such a trigger for me but perhaps my lifelong tendency to overachieve and yet never feel "enough" is part of this cycle.  In any case, I am very tired of it and want to set myself free from this destructive habit of mind.

[fairyslipper]

I can relate to what you are saying and am just beginning to catch myself when I start to feel this way......I can only speak for myself but for me it goes back to a family that never let me feel any real pride at what I was truly good at. Nothing was ever good enough and a lot of times was just not noticed. An example would be, I was really good in track. I would win and place most races. There was no doubt that it was real. But at home, it didn't exist, wasn't worthy of conversation. My dad did start coming to meets. My mom never did. It even extended to relatives not valuing things I did and letting their feelings be known. I am not sure if this is your situation, where it is a conditioned response to almost feel ashamed of being good at something..... because of how you were treated in the past when you excelled or completed some pretty amazing things and had every right to be proud of yourself. When people around us never make a big deal out of any of our successes or downplay them or give them 3 seconds of their attention......we learn in a weird way that there is something wrong with us sharing these experiences and to avoid that negative responses we get, we default.

When I catch myself doing that now tho, I stop. It is totally new to me, but I have realized it doesn't matter if nobody else is interested. I just did _______, and I have every reason to be proud of it. I have very recently started keeping a small journal with me where I have written prompts about these sorts of things to help me learn to have normal responses instead of the old ones that were put there.

By doing something self sabotaging, the focus immediately is taken off the success we just experienced but redirects us to fall right back into feeling bad about ourselves which sadly is a more comfortable state.

[Jdog]

Thanks for that perspective, Fairyslipper.  In my case, playing violin was my "thing" and I did have support from Mom but Dad told me that I needed to give it up because I just was not good enough to make a living doing that.  To prove him wrong, I majored in music and actually did make a very small living for a couple of years just playing and teaching music.  It didn't matter to him, though, since nothing I ever did pleased him.  Not straight A's in school, not being a "good" girl, not anything.  Sadly, he died when I was in my early 20's and we never had a chance to try to get to a better place.

Yes, I think that I tend to diminish my victories at times by making myself look bad in my own eyes.  I like your suggestion to write the victories down and not seek approval from another as it is not outer praise but inner praise that matters.

Thanks again, and BTW I have taken up running fairly seriously in my (now) middle age.  Great stress buster and a way to work on mindfulness.