Just want to say hi (TW)

[camille13512]

Hi,

I'm new to both the forum and C-PTSD. Please forgive me for my grammar mistakes and bad choice of words as I'm not a native English speaker (I'll be happy to correct them if you point them out). Just a few days ago I found this site, and I cannot describe how much shock I felt when I mentally checked every single item on the symptom list. I have been in therapy for half a year, and I started it because I thought I have some slight anxiety and depression which (in my naive mind) could be quickly "fixed". My therapist has mentioned several times that I have certain responses that indicate I have experienced trauma. I was in denial the whole time to her suggestion, thinking that there was no way I went through trauma because I was not physically beaten nor did I have any horrible memory or visual flashbacks. I don't think I even "deserve" to mention trauma at all because my life was so smooth compared to many others. The kind of responses my therapist is concerned with (now I know they are called hyper vigilance, inner critic, dissociation etc.) was there as early as I had memory (and I thought they are pretty much who I am; I'm not traumatized because this is just me). As soon as I became aware of C-PTSD, however, I tried to face the possibility that maybe indeed I was emotionally abused or neglected, and those emotional memories actually started to show up.

* Trigger Warning *
I don't know if emotional memory is a term. I guess they are just EF's except I actually have bits of factual memory associated with it. For example, I remember I felt extremely ashamed when a teacher called my name and punished me for "disturbing the classroom", because the boy sitting next to me was pinching my arm and it hurt so much I started to cry. Or the time I wanted to jump out of the car when my father said I was useless waste and he had to clean up my mess for me every single time. Or all those times I would tell lies to people about how I agree with them because I was so afraid of being alienated (again).

One thing I am still baffled about is still the cause. Surely people have said nasty things to me when I was little, but I always had my mother, who practically brought me up on her own. And she was always the (only) one that I could go to. Sometimes I feel she is too strict, but nothing unreasonable, and we are still very close till this day. So I keep asking myself, why did I still turn into this disintegrated, incomplete mess? Why is her love not enough for me? Do I really have C-PTSD, since I am never ignored by her? On the other hand, the symptoms do not lie. And I cannot afford to think that maybe there were times that she was not there for me. I cannot afford that thought. If I lose her, I am done.

I am still learning more about this (and me). But I want to say I am really grateful to know that this place exists; that all of you exist. It's been a long time since I last felt there is hope. I hope one day I can find answers, and get better. I guess this could be the start.

Camille

[Blueberry]

Hi camille  Welcome to the forum

Your English is really good, don't worry about that. There are quite a few non-native speakers around. It's 4 am and I can't sleep so it's you who might have to excuse bad English in this post!

Comparing ourselves to others who 'had it worse' is a common ailment on here, almost a disease. If you're traumatised, you're traumatised. The exact cause is irrelevant. There is an Emotional Abuse thread http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=157.0 here (causes), which might help you see situations similar to your own. also the neglect/abandonment thread might help you see you're not alone http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=163.0

Yes, you're right, there is hope! I forget that myself especially when in an EF. But there is. Hope to see you around the board!

[Three Roses]

Welcome! 

[ah]

Hi camille, welcome

It's so ironic that part of being traumatized is that we minimize it. It's like we're all walking around with an open wound we can't see, we feel its symptoms but keep spacing out on the actual wound causing them. We look at it and forget that it's there, and blame ourselves for feeling pain.

Emotional pain and neglect can be hidden, from us as well as others. They can absolutely cause c-ptsd. I totally agree that once we understand we've got trauma the best thing we can do is to work on weakening its symptoms here and now.

I'm glad you found the forums. And I think your English is excellent.

[DecimalRocket]

 

[rbswan]

Welcome!  I still have "emotional memories" where I feel strong emotional feelings (often painful - emotional flashbacks is the term I use from literature I've read) that are not associated with a memory.  I'm learning through this forum and therapy that I have repressed a lot of memories but my brain will bring up emotions associated with my childhood trauma when I'm triggered.  I relate and I'm glad you are here.  Also, you communicate very well!

[camille13512]

Thank you all for responding. I'm still trying to get used to knowing and believing that people understand each other despite all the individual differences. And it's good to know that I can communicate. I will see you around.

[Blueberry]

I don't know if emotional memory is a term. I guess they are just EF's except ...

I don't know either, but I used to refer to some of my memories as "feel memories", with which I did not mean tactile-feel. I think they are more fleeting than what I have learned to refer to as EFs.

[puppies4thesad]

Hey,

I know exactly what you mean. I remember very little before the age of 11 years in terms of events that I can put in any kind of chronological order. I was very detached and like u all I remember are feelings and I find it hard to pin them to events. I have another friend who has massive gaps in her childhood too. Her gaps coincide with periods of extreme stress. My childhood was not abusive as such but my parents were overwhelmed with the mental disability of a sibling close in age and my father was very emotionally distant. U dont have to have been abused as a kid to have been affected. whether a parent intends to neglect a childs needs or not the child will still experience the same abandonment and fear there of.

[BlancaLap]

Welcome to the forum!
I just wanna say that I think it doesn't matter that other people had it worse, the important thing is what YOU had. All my life people have told me that the children in Africa have it worse and everytime I was like: "dude, that doesn't make me feel better". So I hope you find someone that does make you feel better and not like what happened to you was nothing, because it wasn't.