feeling betrayed

[radical]

My response to someone else's post has made me realise that I still feel injured and betrayed by my relationship with my previous therapist.  I don't know how to process it.  After the last sessions with her when I tried to reconcile the problems between us, I had a long period of confusion and hurt, of trying to make sense of what had happened, of grief and anger.  I wrote a lot in my journal.  I wasted a lot of sessions of a treatment I was undergoing, having that therapy relationship tumbling around in my mind.  Inside myself I was veering between wanting to find a way to find peace and believing in her and going over the most destructive things that had happened and feeling anger and betrayal.

I thought I'd gotten over it, but my new therapy relationship has brought it all up again via the contrast between the hot and cold treatment that kept me trying harder, the telling me what to think, telling me what it was okay to feel,  the undermining, the encouraging idealisation of her rather than confidence in myself  -a therapy  straight jacket of  the old, and the calm, supportive, coherent, accepting, planned therapy I have now.

It was so familiar, the feeling of tying myself in knots to be good enough, contorting myself into a shape that was acceptable, feeling shamed when I tried to express my authentic feelings and in a heartbeat changing myself into what she wanted me to be in response, and being patted on the head for doing so.  I don't know if it had always been that way or if it became crazier over time.  I know I was harmed by it.  I'm glad I tried to resolve the issues with three final sessions, because in those sessions the gaslighting, the lies, the lack of any kind of treatment plan, the complete lack of interest in what I wanted to achieve, the hot-potato, the stone-walling, the lack of care or empathy, the haughty indignation, the inability to hear me, the deliberate triggering as diversion, the other diversions, the absolute refusal to answer any question - it pulled me out of my denial.

I remember telling her about six months before those sessions that I intended to kill myself over the summer holidays, that I had everything planned.  I told her I felt it was unfair to continue therapy without giving her the option of ending it, under the circumstances. I had decided the previous New Years Day to continue to try for another 12 months, to give it everything I had, but if nothing had improved, nothing ever would.  I felt it was dishonest, not telling her, like it was false pretences and I didn't want to hurt her.  She said she could handle it (my death).  I thought she was so enlightened.  I was so grateful that she was prepared to continue seeing me.  She never talked to me about it, never asked about the distress behind my decision, never expressed any feeling that she hoped I would want to continue to live, that she cared about me, no compassion, no exploration, no suggestion that my decision might be a result of my depression rather than a rational decision.  Zilch.  And I was grateful, I felt respected, I felt she understood that it was "euthanasia".  Maybe she did believe it was the right decision.

I found a treatment that pulled me out of that depression.  In fairness to her, she supported me in exploring it, helped me access it.  But she didn't suggest it.  She didn't suggest anything.  I was not allowed to talk about the events or the resultant feelings that led me into that pit.  In the three sessions in which I tried to heal the rift between us, she said that hearing my feelings caused her pain.  So she stopped me, shamed me if I brought the subject up, and I paid her to talk about things that didn't matter to me, things that didn't make her feel bad.  I fawned.

During those 12 months I explored a whole lot of things.  I discovered Pete Walker's site, and found this site.  I took in his book to show her.  She raised  how offended she felt when I showed her the book, during those last those sessions.  I never asked her to read the book, I just showed her, because it mattered to me.  Apparently taking that book into the session and telling her how it related to my situation was demeaning somehow.   I had hoped it might lead to me being able to talk about CPTSD, to being able to talk about the things in myself that I understood.  I misjudged.

Ironically, it was being lifted out of that depression and back into my feelings that led to my having questions about my therapy.  I was concerned for her feelings and tried to be as sensitive and non-critical as I could when I first raised them. I was apologetic, I back-tracked.  They were a few small questions at first and I felt so guilty about asking them.  I had been in a narrow tunnel of despair for so long and I saw daylight again.  I was waking up, it wasn't easy, returning to my senses.  Her response was to immediately say that she thought I was more disturbed than she realised.  She never answered the questions.  I persisted, even though I was desperately afraid of threatening a relationship that had become more important to me than any other.  I had lost myself in it.

I don't know how to make sense of all of this.  I just know that I still feel wounded.  I could write about how she might have been feeling, about reasons she might have had for not being able to respond adequately.  I could make excuses for her behaviour.  The fact is, she ended-up attacking me in all kinds of manipulative ways and that's how it ended.  A therapy relationship that had lasted a decade.

[Dee]

I'm so sorry.  I am so glad that you have moved on and are perhaps with a therapist that can help you put the pieces back.  I can't imagine a therapist ever alluding to being okay with suicide or not taking it seriously.  I don't have much to say this evening.  More than anything I want to validate you, tell you I am sorry this happened to you, send you my love.

[Three Roses]

Holy *, radical!! I guess I didn't realize it was that bad for you!

And whaaaat?? She'd be okay with your death but "hearing (your) feelings caused her pain"?? What kind of nonsensical statement is that! I want to call her names. I shall restrain myself.

I'm so sorry you went thru that! And I'm so grateful that you have a kind, decent, and competent therapist now. If I could (and if it were okay) if give you a huge hug! I'm glad you're posting again.

[Candid]

I was not allowed to talk about the events or the resultant feelings that led me into that pit.  In the three sessions in which I tried to heal the rift between us, she said that hearing my feelings caused her pain.  So she stopped me, shamed me if I brought the subject up, and I paid her to talk about things that didn't matter to me, things that didn't make her feel bad.  I fawned.

This is truly ghastly. Not allowed to talk about the real issue? This sounds more like my gaslighting Mother Superior than any species of therapist.

I could write about how she might have been feeling, about reasons she might have had for not being able to respond adequately.  I could make excuses for her behaviour. 

Whatever feelings, reasons or excuses she might have had, you were put in a position of caretaking her when the focus should always have been on you and your needs. No doubt that echoes whatever sent you to her in the first place.

A decade is a very long time to be with one therapist. I can well understand how you lost yourself in that time, until self-abandonment gave you another stick to beat yourself with. It makes me so angry that people like this get paid to project their own problems.

It's a new world now, radical. I've seen you giving such wonderful replies to people here, have quoted you myself in responses to others. I too am glad you have a real therapist now.

The take-home lesson is feels wrong is wrong.

[radical]

Thanks for your support Dee, Three Roses and Candid.

I imagined his issue was mostly over for me. 
I trusted her.  There was closeness, or I thought there was.  I can't make sense of the contradictions.  I guess there is no way I can ever understand any of this.  There were times she was very kind.
One thing I recognise in myself now is excessive gratitude.  It's tied up with the hot and cold.  People are kind - I'm kind, you're all kind, so when I feel this burden of obligation when someone is kind, rather than just comfortable gratitude, I need to wonder what's going on. My new T is consistently kind yet I don't feel burdened or guilty.  I'm grateful, and I'll always feel grateful but don't feel burdened by it.

I still feel guilty, talking about this.  It's not everything.  After ten years there is a very long story. After it all happened I was afraid she was having some kind of breakdown and I'd been caught up in it.   This has had a bigger effect than I realised, on my feelings about so many things.  Right now I feel I won't be able to get past this, that I hadn't realised the impact.  I guess I will  get through it but it will take time.  I wish I could put this together in a way that makes sense.  If I read what I've written from another poster I'd feel clear.  This is clearly wrong.  But I don't feel clear, my memories are so mixed - good and bad.  The bond seemed so strong.  I thought she had great integrity.  I believed she was deeply spiritual. 

I was wrong.  I was believing what she believed about herself, rather than my own experience.  I was enmeshed.

I know I won't be able to sort this out or understand by writing here, but I'm glad I can talk about it, and glad of your support.

[Candid]

I trusted her.  There was closeness, or I thought there was.  I can't make sense of the contradictions.  I guess there is no way I can ever understand any of this. 

If I read what I've written from another poster I'd feel clear.  This is clearly wrong.  But I don't feel clear, my memories are so mixed - good and bad.  The bond seemed so strong.   

I was wrong.  I was believing what she believed about herself, rather than my own experience. 

All of the above is true of my relationship with Mother Superior.  Is that the case for you?

when I feel this burden of obligation when someone is kind, rather than just comfortable gratitude, I need to wonder what's going on.

At a guess, default to the dynamic of an earlier relationship. A mother or a therapist who is kind is doing what she's supposed to do -- and in the case of therapists, paid to do. When the child or client becomes the emotional caregiver, things have got seriously out of whack. Being "afraid she was having some kind of breakdown" is NOT what you were there for.

Sadly, it's only with hindsight that we can see these things. But as with childhood abuse, it's important to recognise that we couldn't have known what we didn't know.

[Dee]

Radical, it is so hard to connect the heart to the head.  You know it is wrong, but your heart isn't there yet.  That is a big problem for me as well.  It is a relationship to grieve.  Perhaps a grief book would help you?  Have you been able to open up to your new T about how bad it was?

I feel like what happened to you is an issue for survivors.  It is so hard for us to recognize when things are wrong or to trust our feelings.  We tend to be vulnerable and then are traumatized again.

[sanmagic7]

radicall, i can so relate.  i've talked about my narc t, and all the damage she did to me.  when i finally was able to untangle myself from her devious web, i had to start both anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds.  the betrayal of a t is one of the worst we can experience, i'm sure of that.

i don't doubt it will take a while for you to sort thru this.  we put so much of ourselves into these therapeutic relationships on so many levels.   i had been encouraged by friends (one of whom was a t herself) to report her, but it took me 8 yrs. of meds and stabilizing from the experience before i could do anything legal.

i was with her for 8 yrs., so i also understand the longevity aspect.  it gets inside your mind in a way no other relationship can.  the best thing i learned from her was how NOT to be a therapist.  but it was such a major mind-suck while it was going on.

i am just so very glad you're out of it, that you have a caring, kind t who will help you with this, and that your realizations are clearing the entire experience up for you.   you deserve the kindness you're getting now in your sessions.  i believe i would've been helped to get thru it all much faster if i'd had a t after the fact.  you'll get thru it - it may take a little while, but i know you'll do it.  you've gone thru that door into awareness.  it's a good place to be.   big hug, radical.

[radical]

Thank you all.  This is so hard to talk about and I value your suggestions.

I feel like I don't know how to grieve a relationship that was so important to me under these circumstances.  I thought she cared about me.  There were times I felt very close to her, talked about things I couldn't have imagined telling anyone.  I felt there was a real bond.  And yet, all the way through during those years, there were times when I phoned a friend to talk about things that disturbed me, and felt so guilty about doing so.  I'd say " I know this sounds bad but....."  I'd be at pains to make excuses and to tell my friend that it wasn't how it probably sounded, that what I was describing troubled me, but I felt she was wonderful, would be at pains to say how wonderful.  And yet none of those issues were ever resolved.  I swept them under the carpet. 

I will look into some books on grieving, Dee.  I don't know what sort of grieving this is.  I feel like I'm grieving an illusion.

It's funny you should use the words "mother superior", Candid, I believe this turned into a seriously spiritually-bypassed, Guru - supplicant relationship, based on Buddhism.  I can understand my T wanting to share spiritual beliefs and practices that had brought her joy, but I needed a therapist, a specialist in my problems, not a misguided guru, and I now feel great resentment at having religion imposed on me.  I was grateful at the time, I was very interested, I know there are spiritual aspects in CPTSD for me, but it should have been up to me to explore my own spirituality in an appropriate context.  Now I feel spiritually void.

I appreciate your input, San.  This is painful awareness.  Coming out of the fog changes the way I look at humanity.  I feel bitter about so many unhealthy relationships and the fact that being in an unhealthy therapy relationship meant I was less able to see, less able to understand my lack of boundaries and co-dependent behaviours.  I feel like my mind was in a cage.  I wanted to be in denial, wanted to believe in people, to take them at face value.  I have to admit that.  There are ways that the compartmentalisation that came about from not being able to make sense of my early trauma meant that I sought a kind of comfort in the simplicity of denial, yet paid the price in my relationships, in my poor self-esteem, in the trap of a compartmentalised mind in which I had little access to all my feelings and was unable to recognise trustworthiness and untrustworthiness.

I feel a bit better today.  Thank you.

[sanmagic7]

glad you're feeling a bit better, radical.  small steps, but they all count.  big hug to you.

[Lingurine]

Radical, I think it happens more than we think, therapists who are just there to serve their own needs. Shocking indeed we pay them for that. I even think it happens a lot because we sometimes are not aware that it does. I doubted my T for a while, because she said things that hurt me. I think it's especially hard to set boundaries with therapists. I do hope you are able to heal from this.

Lingurine

[Coco]

I've only skimmed, because my attention span isn't great, but she sounds like a *.

Next time you meet someone like that, you'll know what you're looking at, and you'll trust yourself. You'll never go there again. That experience has value. You developed important muscle from it.

I think some people who develop CPTSD in childhood remain quite childlike - vulnerable and trusting. I definitely am. I didn't achieve proper development and am literally still a child inside, haha! Wow. That's a revelation.

As for betrayal.... this past week I've been thinking it makes more sense to expect betrayal. Why are we so bewildered when it happens?
I can expect betrayal without it being all defensive and weird. I can stop rose-colored-glasses-ing people.

I have bad emotional flashbacks if I perceive I have hurt someone else and would never allow myself to, deliberately. Like, I'm HORRIFIED if someone says I've hurt them. Combine that with the childlike purity that seems to stay awake in traumatised adult-children and you get this weird worldview that assumes everyone else is like us: doesn't want to hurt others. It makes betrayal super surprising, shocking, bewildering and earth-shaking. But it's not. It's human nature. We're fallible. Humans hurt each other.

Her actions tell us all about her and.... there for the grace of god go I. All the best to that weird woman in her recovery and journey, huh?

Blah blah blah, I'm rambling and jumping topics again

Much respect to you, OP. Another battle scar. You survived well.

I know the disillusioned, confused, dreadful feeling. I'm sure it triggers us back to when we were little.

[snailspace]

What an awful betrayal of trust!  Feel very sorry for you on reading this radical.  Something eerily similar happened to me 2 years ago with the therapist I'd been seeing for over a year and it was horrible.  Describing it is very difficult because it's unlike anything else I know!   I can only sympathise and hope that in time you'll feel a bit better. A good friend helped me to understand what happened and I must have bored the pants off of her by going through it all.  I also risked going to another T a year later to work out whether I could complain and as a result was able to put some distance on it and see how the experience fitted into the rest of my life, . Even though I only saw her for 5 sessions it helped. I wish you all the best.

[ah]

Sounds like there maybe should be a new type of abuse recognized: therapy abuse. Pay to get emotional abuse with a twist!

Years ago I had a therapist who was a psychopath. She's sadly known for having "victims"... she prides herself on not being for the feint hearted but there's a bid circle of wounded clients all around her. Still people go to her. It breaks my heart to think of it.

Makes sense these sort of people would be attracted to professions where they can feed of the suffering of others and cause even more suffering. I'm so, so, so glad you got out of there.

[Phoebes]

Radical- I think it's insightful of you to realize these things about your former therapist. I'm guessing many people don't! But you have educated yourself enough and are self-reflective enough to know what was happening. It upsets me that there are people like this in the counseling profession.

I have not read all of the responses, but it sounds like your T is an N themselves, or at least extremely self-centered and unaware. It's tricky with T's, because many become T's because of their own issues, and many I would guess have not quite figured out their own stuff yet, much less can handle others. I think of these sorts of T's as more appropriate for the 3-timers who just need a little boost in some sort of cliche fashion. This is all a lot of T's can really handle.

Since our situation is so unique, and so deeply severe and mostly unstudied by most, we have all learned we have to be careful and select wisely. I am trying out a new one today and I have my list of specific questions which I am guess she will not know about. We'll see.

When you started describing your story, I was imagining you had seen my last T. She was just like that, and in hindsight, I should have read it from the beginning. I tried a few times but at least this time I was quicker to get out. It's like she was an abuser. Sucking me in and making me think she had an N mom and knew all about this dynamic. Then HER covert abuse started and like the things you said, she started belittling and making me feel bad for having the feelings I did. After she knew I was NC with my Nm for several months and wanted help maintaining that and working through some distressing things, she started telling me it was really sad and mean that I would not talk to my M. She also spent the first 20 minutes of my session one time talking about an issue she was having with one of the other T's in her office block (locking the door at certain times.) Finally after listening to her work herself up into a frenzy for 20 minutes, I offered "what if y'all left a key out in a lockbox that you could all access in case of emergency". And she responded very snippy and belittlingly, "oh, well well, look at you..talking about things you know nothing about. " That was the last I saw of her.