New and wondering about cumulative trauma

[spinozaspinoza]

Hi! I'm new here, and I think that I might have C-PTSD. While I haven't been formally diagnosed, I display all of the symptoms and have cycled through a series of bewildered therapists and psychs, who have diagnosed me by now with five different separate disorders by age 20.

I'm posting here because I have a hard time believing that what I've experienced is "enough" to qualify for C-PTSD. To keep it vague, there was familial addiction, some pretty dark stuff, and a few pretty serious traumatic incidents that continued to happen from early childhood to mid adolescence.

I just feel that I had so much love from my family despite their own difficulties and everything material I could ever want. I became so emotional and difficult and kicked up such a fuss that my entire family thinks I'm crazy.

I have quite a bit of difficulty regulating my emotions, talking to others, and feeling motivated. Often I feel like I did everything to myself and purposefully made these things happen to me because I must like being victimized, or asked for it, or wasn't strong enough to deal with things. My dearest friend often tells me that I have to stop indulging in emotions and being so upset. I understand the constructive use of this advice, but it hurts because I know I have to do it and I don't know how.

I feel awful for not being able to control myself. I'm entering a stressful period in my life, and I know for a fact I am being a huge pain to those around me because I'm always crying or twitching. I have very frequent flashbacks, often quite small, but I tend to spasm pretty hard and it's making me very self-conscious about going out in public.

It just seems like I'm honest to goodness an evil person for not being less of a pain. I'm very frightened of traumatizing others because of my erratic and reactive behavior.

This is a very rambling post, but what I wanted to ask is if these feelings can be overcome, and what people have found helpful in dealing with c-ptsd.

Thanks! I hope you are all having really solidly good days!

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome to you, spinozaspinoza!

Many of us here are self-diagnosed, and many of us have also been diagnosed with a variety of other disorders.

It's very common for us to minimize the abuse we've been through, and to look at others' abuse as somehow worse or more deserving of C PTSD.

A CPTSD-inducing household doesn't have to be a horrendously physically abusive experience, because CPTSD is really more about what you didn't get than any abuse that you suffered. Neglect, disdain, being wrapped up in their own problems and not being able to adequately nurture a child, etc are all "enough" to cause CPTSD. In fact, neglect is one of the things that we've all got in common here. It is every bit as "worthy" of causing CPTSD as anything else you could ever imagine.

We have a lot of resources here for you to explore, lots of book recommendations, and ultimately it's really up to you whether you self identify with having C PTSD or not.

Again, welcome, and I'm glad you found us!

http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/

http://pete-walker.com

(Some references for starters.)

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS spinozaspinoza     I went through most of my life being the overly sensitive one in my family too,  only to learn in my 50's that my family of origin went well beyond being what I thought was 'merely' dysfunctional due to my F's alcoholism, to being traumatic/abusive & neglectful. In addition to my F's addiction, my M and B have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I was not physically abused to any extent nor sexually abused, but certainly emotionally it was a mine field.  From the outside we looked fairly "normal" but it was a house of cards.

It's a traumatizing environment when a child never feels safe, protected, loved, good enough and can't escape - that's a breeding ground for the development of CPTSD.  So if the symptoms and what you read here resonate, you are most likely in the right place. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, spinozaspinoza,

i can relate to what you're saying about not having 'overt' abuse, yet still having difficulty managing emotions and thinking 'it's all me'.   the beast i call c-ptsd has a way of making us believe we're to blame, we brought it on ourselves, or we're making it up. 

i'm glad you're here, and i hope you find help and support for what you're going thru.  this forum has been a great resource for me.   welcome.   

[Blueberry]

Welcome spinozaspinoza 

Lots of us didn't think we suffered "enough" to have C-PTSD. I still doubt it for myself way deep down. Or part of me doubts it.
But Kizzie and Three Roses ahve explained why that is.

This forum has been great for me and continues to be so. I hope you find it that way too. I don't find your post rambling BTW.

[Gwyon]

Welcome spinozaspinoza (I like that guy)

As blueberry says

Lots of us didn't think we suffered "enough" to have C-PTSD.   

But keep in mind that the impact of stress and neglect during early life is profound. Perhaps spend some time on the neglect/abandonment thread. You'll find lots of fellow travelers there and elsewhere.

Kindly.

[Rainagain]

Hello
You mention being loved and provided for, I wonder how safe you felt?
As there were regular traumatic incidents you might not have felt completely safe.

I have cptsd due to sustained threat to my life and some risk to my children.

What you describe could lead to cptsd I think, though I'm no expert.

Things which help me are feeling safe, not overdoing social contact, no more adverse experiences, keeping off alcohol and avoiding confrontation with people. The best thing is walking my dogs and being in nature.

I think this is a safe place to be, explore.

[rbswan]

I suffered from extreme neglect as well as other forms of abuse.  I can tell you that the neglect had just as big an impact on me as everything else.  I came to this stage of my recovery looking at the results of what happened as proof that something bad happened.  It turned out, for me, that a lot bad happened and I lived my life as "the sensitive person" in all my circles.  Only recently have I had remembrance of my original trauma.  I disassociated a lot of my childhood.  Also, there was a lot I thought was "normal" in my childhood.  When I started talking about childhood with my T and a few safe people, they all told me that I suffered from a lot of neglect and abuse.  For me, it was like the lobster in the boiling water thinking he was taking a warm bath, and wondering why he was in so much pain. 

Welcome to the forum, I relate to your post a great deal.  This is a great place to explore your feelings and thoughts without judgement and lots of support.