People acting like my therapist without my permission

[moonlightnanana]

If I'm around chill people it's fine, but there's always some issue that comes up when I'm around people who are confident. People who are confident AND notice that I'm not confident and try to change me.

I live in Asia and was hanging out with a bunch of expats this weekend. We were drinking and one of them comes up to me and goes "you know, you seem to have issues you need to sort out. I could sense it when I first talked to you. We need to find you a man." "You should be more confident speaking this country's language."

Yes, I am jealous of this person because he can approach anyone and talk to them, and also has good language skills. I've lived in this country for a year but my progress in speaking the language has been so slow, it's a sore point for me.

But please..... like hooking me up with someone is going to solve my issues. You don't even know where I come from. And of course this guy comes from a stable loving family.. *not jealous* 

And he kept probing me, saying things like "why are you so reserved?" Why do guys like this always pick on me? It's not just this recent example, but there have been multiple instances where guys like this have tried to "break me out of my shell" and it really p*sses me off. 

Why can't some people mind their own business without wanting to "fix" me? It makes me feel so horrible about myself. *sigh* I don't know how to handle these emotions or how to respond to these situations. Does anyone have any advice on how I should respond and how I should deal with this situation?

Lately it feels like whenever I hang out with people I end up getting offended or hurt in some way, and I just wish I could enjoy other people's company..

[AphoticAtramentous]

My goodness, I wouldn't know what to do in that situation either unfortunately. But that's just horrid personally. "We need to find you a man"? "Why are you so reserved". Yuck, I would hide away from that person forever and ever. I absolutely hate it when people are like that. :S I get they're trying to be helpful but you're right, they're not therapists.
I guess, what I would do in that situation is to simply say; "They're my problems, not yours". Probably sounds a little iffy but you get the message across pretty well that you don't want their help. Or even perhaps a "I'll handle things myself", which shows them you're 'doing something' and might make them back off a little. But these are just ideas, I dunno if they actually do much good haha.

[Contessa]

They sound like douches.

I know you may not be up to it, but sometimes I keep the mood light by giving some ridiculous answer or/then flipping a personal question back on them. Either light, or I just enjoy the challenge to out-douche the douches.

For example, off the top of my head, a response to 'You've got issues' I might say, "Yeah you're right. I've got an issue with this choice of drink, I think they've sweetened the sugar with more sugar / I don't think this tiny umbrella is really going to keep all the rain off / this song sounds like a hyena on speed... "

Just making random stuff up now. The main point is to use their rude questions to take the attention away from yourself. If they're particularly obnoxious, you might have an issue with their choice of shirt...

[ah]

I totally agree with what Contessa said
I don't always have the strength to be that spontaneous when I feel cornered but it's really good advice. It works.

[woodsgnome]

Some people like to stick little needles in first, then when they find a vulnerable person, plunge in to increase their power trip. Even their 'advice' is often off the mark as they really don't care for anything besides making someone else feel miserable and skittish. 

It's great to have a witticism to fling back, but a little dicey too--it could inflame them further. It sounds good to stand up to them, but not sure they'd get the point. Perhaps one can try a little hint to see if there's anyone home, but sometimes the only thing that works is to back off as best you can.

Odds are the other person might not get that either; but one has to be true to one's own feelings. If that's what it takes, maybe you'll at least make them feel a tad uncool for a change. You have to live with yourself, not please them and, in the process, egg them on further, because that's usually what they're really after--power over another person. In other words, bullying.

   

[Blueberry]

moonlightnana, that sounds pretty nasty. i could see being jealous of the language skills. but not the people skills or general friendliness. That person gets a zero.

I'm not good at spontaneous come-backs either, but if you can it's good to toss something back.

Not particularly polite or anything, but I've sometimes even asked something like "Have you got a problem?" (Hey, they started the rude behaviour. ) There are undoubtedly more tactful responses.

[Contessa]

It's great to have a witticism to fling back, but a little dicey too--it could inflame them further.

Yes that needs to be judged based on the person and your relationship to them. Thanks for pointing that out woodsgnome.

Hence focusing on inanimate and unrelated things as explanations, and offbeat subtle hints to leave you alone without being too obvious about it. I tend to use this technique when there are at least other people to dilute the social situation.

Depending on their intelligence they'll get it immediately, in a few minutes... or not at all. I find it oddly still keeps the conversation going, but in a light way, and you have assumed control of it.

[moonlightnanana]

They sound like douches.

I know you may not be up to it, but sometimes I keep the mood light by giving some ridiculous answer or/then flipping a personal question back on them. Either light, or I just enjoy the challenge to out-douche the douches.

For example, off the top of my head, a response to 'You've got issues' I might say, "Yeah you're right. I've got an issue with this choice of drink, I think they've sweetened the sugar with more sugar / I don't think this tiny umbrella is really going to keep all the rain off / this song sounds like a hyena on speed... "

Just making random stuff up now. The main point is to use their rude questions to take the attention away from yourself. If they're particularly obnoxious, you might have an issue with their choice of shirt...

I like your advice. If only my automatic reaction to these kind of people wasn't freezing and being submissive 

[moonlightnanana]

My goodness, I wouldn't know what to do in that situation either unfortunately. But that's just horrid personally. "We need to find you a man"? "Why are you so reserved". Yuck, I would hide away from that person forever and ever. I absolutely hate it when people are like that. :S I get they're trying to be helpful but you're right, they're not therapists.
I guess, what I would do in that situation is to simply say; "They're my problems, not yours". Probably sounds a little iffy but you get the message across pretty well that you don't want their help. Or even perhaps a "I'll handle things myself", which shows them you're 'doing something' and might make them back off a little. But these are just ideas, I dunno if they actually do much good haha.

That mentality of "I've solved my problems and I'm fine and confident now, so when I see an insecure person, I'm gonna force them to be like me"... is something I'll never understand. 

[Pilgrim]

Hi
I'm very new here. But yep had the same problems earlier, although even wedding ring doesn't stop some people. I don't know what it is - is it supposed to be some sort of chat up line - you are the alof one and thus more attractive and so they try some amateur therapy to get some attention?  Hmm. Nope mate I'm just on constant hypervigilent mode and actually I'm trying to stop acting like a performing seal which I normally tend to do to try to hide things and now my "alofness" isn't working any better.  I've said different things - probably not repeatable. Now - I'm practicing silence. It's actually quite funny watching someone who thinks they can do this to you have to stand there and babble and shuffle their feet to fill the silence and then scuttle away. Try it. But I'd rather people wouldn't be so rude to have to make you try yet another tactic.  Cheers Pilgrim

[Gromit]

I love Contessa's ideas, if I can I might use their language when responding to them, 'why aren't you more reserved'?

Personally I don't think people like this are so perfect. They are finding fault with something about you because then, they don't have to focus on themselves or how uncomfortable they feel when you don't respond in the same way they do. As Pilgrim suggested silence can also be the perfect response, because they are uncomfortable with it.
G

[Contessa]

G

Sometimes it's just a mere fact that they could be nervous too and have an odd way to break the ice. Sometimes you might just connect on this goofy, more comfortable, lighter level if it was inadvertant rudeness. No need for such deep stuff this early