I'm new: My story

[confusedwalnut]

****TRIGGER WARNING: Self harm and non-epileptic seizures*****

I've never felt comfortable telling my story to people, but something inside me knows it'll do more good than bad.

I think my primary concern about all of this is that I have absolutely no memories of abuse nor neglect in my past. I'd really love to hear from others that have the same issue. It makes it really difficult for me to be able to accept that I have this when I don't even have a concrete basis for my own suffering.

But anyway, I've had a fairly unsteady upbringing. A brother with autism, a traumatised mother, an abusive extended family, no father in sight. It doesn't create the greatest situation for stability to happen. I've lived in 3 states of Australia and more houses/refuges than I care to count.
I was always the peacemaker between my mother and brother as whenever times got tough, they'd take all their stress out on eachother.

But my actual issues started when I decided to message my father on Facebook (I was 13, hadn't seen him since I was . We had a mild mannered conversation, no dramas. But not even a week after this I began having major emotional outbursts for no particular reason. Randomly crying in class, feeling like I need to run away. My behaviour became extremely uncharacteristic, almost like I was delirious (still happens from time to time even now). And then I started having psychogenic non-epileptic seizures. They progressively got worse over time, getting more violent and longer. I would lose my ability to walk and talk, go through cycles of crying and being extremely tense to losing all energy, lasting for an average of an hour, 3 hours at my worst.

Not long after this all happened my mum sat me down and told me that my father may have had sexual feelings for me (he had told a receptionist at a visitation centre exactly this when I was 3-4). Nobody knows if I was actually abused or not, the only evidence I have is that I can barely remember the first 10 years of my life (a sign of trauma maybe?).

So after I found this out I became extremely depressed, began self harming. I still struggle with it to this day, 5 years later.

Thankfully I have come to accept that my father COULD have abused me, and my seizures are much less frequent/violent. But my emotions are still very difficult to regulate and I have come to understand through reading this forum that I do experience emotional flashbacks more often than I may have previously recognised as I'm so used to them. I have recently begun suffering with persistent intrusive thoughts telling me to hurt myself majorly. I know I don't want to, but it is a struggle.

I'd love to hear if others have had similar experiences to me as I have felt quite alone in this for quite a while now.
Sorry for the excruciating detail haha!

[Candid]

Hello walnut, and welcome aboard!  I'm glad you found us here.

I've had a fairly unsteady upbringing. A brother with autism, a traumatised mother, an abusive extended family, no father in sight. [...] I've lived in 3 states of Australia and more houses/refuges than I care to count.

I was always the peacemaker between my mother and brother as whenever times got tough, they'd take all their stress out on eachother.

That sounds like quite enough hardship, to me!  Do you have a formal diagnosis of CPTSD?

Nobody knows if I was actually abused or not, the only evidence I have is that I can barely remember the first 10 years of my life (a sign of trauma maybe?).

Definitely.  If you can remember anything of your first day at school or pre-school, I'd be interested to read it.  That's usually a stand-out milestone.

I have come to accept that my father COULD have abused me, and my seizures are much less frequent/violent.

I would call this a breakthrough.  Our minds are very clever, very protective.  Memories become clearer only when we can handle them.

Sorry for the excruciating detail haha!

All of the experiences you mention are familiar to many of us, me included, but I can't join you in the "haha!"  Our pasts were horrific and they set us up for all the symptoms you now have, including that regular unwelcome visitor I Can't Go On Like This.

The good news is that you've signed up here.  This forum has been a huge help to me and many others.   

[Three Roses]

Welcome to you, confusedwalnut! I'm so glad you are here.

I don't even have a concrete basis for my own suffering.

We tend to minimalize our pain, don't we. But, it's there. I believe you and I believe that you've suffered enough to cause the symptoms you're seeing. My hope is that you find understanding and validation here! Thanks for joining.