Working with a triggering coworker

[a_bunny]

I'm a female engineer on a team of mostly male engineers. There is one coworker in particular I have difficulty with, who is triggering to me.

This past week was a difficult ongoing argument with him about how to approach a project. In our team online chat, he criticized my proposal in an unconstructive way, saying it was the "complete reverse" of what was needed (when actually, there was only one piece of the proposal he disagreed with -- he ignored the rest and of course didn't give me credit for it), rather than pointing out what could be improved and constructively communicating towards a solution. In our meetings, as per usual for him, he interrupted me loudly in the middle of my points -- his default volume in meetings is "SHOUT." A female coworker and ally agreed with me that his behavior was out of line, and I had a couple of conversations with our boss about it. Boss was understanding and responded well enough, but I was surprised that she didn't seem to see a problem with his behavior until I pointed it out, almost excusing it. "Oh, we all speak loudly sometimes, to make sure the people on the conference call can hear. I know I do it, too." What?? No, this wasn't that at all, he was yelling to talk over me so that only he could be heard, which is a common pattern for him in meetings, when talking to anyone.

Ultimately, I won the argument yesterday, because I finally found and pointed out the one fatal flaw in his proposed solution that could not be ignored. Without giving me any credit for pointing it out, or for having the proposal that would have worked all along, he agreed that what had to be done was basically what I was asking for. I felt so high I was giddy because finally, I had won. But today, I realized I'm still full of anxiety and anger.

Until yesterday, I didn't have the confidence to keep pushing for my point of view during the earlier meetings. I had conceded and was ready to do things his way, even though I didn't agree with it. But why did things end up this way? It wasn't because an intellectual decision had been reached where everyone put their minds together to choose the best option. It was because somebody played dirty: talked loudly, interrupted, and used distraction tactics, such as asking me irrelevant challenging questions that would put me on the defensive and actually distract me from conveying the real reason why his proposal didn't work. If he had communicated in a cooperative way, we could have all found that fatal flaw earlier. But he shut down my line of thinking in a show of dominance.

I'm not good at these kinds of debates because they are very triggering for me, and I have tons of trauma of emotional abuse in these kinds of situations. I'm sitting there in a meeting having a schema attack and wanting to cry or shut down, but deep down inside, I know that I have something valid to say. And if I could just be given enough time, I could argue intelligently and not get caught up in someone else's dirty tricks. But it usually takes me about a day to figure out what happened and what I really wished I had said. A day of sitting there, obsessing and replaying it, because all the way down into my body, I know that something happened that was wrong. Then, once I figure that out, it gets stuck in my head, imaginary conversations where I finally the say the right thing, over and over, and I can't let go.

I don't know what to do. I talked to my boss, she said she'd talk to him about being more open-minded to others' ideas. I don't know that that will be enough. I have a feeling people will suggest that I talk to him directly. I don't know if I have that level of bravery. I also don't know if it would accomplish anything. I had done that in a previous job with a difficult person, and while we had a good conversation and he said he understood, he really didn't. His behavior continued because fundamentally, he didn't understand what he was doing wrong. He lacked the awareness.

I have been in this place before, many times in my life. This is a deep, old trauma, and still a hurting wound. It's the trauma of knowing that I'm right, but people are acting more powerful than me and shutting me down, not listening to me, invalidating me, and making it so that my voice can't be heard. Deep down to my core, I am enraged: at this coworker, at previous coworkers, peers, teachers, "friends", and the originator, my father.

I'm still trying to find peace.

[Candid]

I have a feeling people will suggest that I talk to him directly.

I wouldn't dream of it! I don't have that level of courage either; I also don't think he'd be open to discussion. But there were other people present, weren't there? Would the ally you mention stand up to him if he gets out of line again? Are there other people you can enlist, not to have a go at him but at least to leap to your defence?

It must be something that you were right all along, and he knows that even if he didn't admit it. With a bit of luck he'll think twice before having a go at you again. Talking loudly over a co-worker just isn't good practice, and if your company has a lot invested in team-work, he's letting the side down.

I have been in this place before, many times in my life.

Yes, me too. I was bullied out of one job in what would more accurately be described as mobbing. I was unable to defend myself then and I think I'd be less so now, so you have my admiration as well as my sympathy.

[Wife#2]

a_bunny, I also understand what you mean. I'm strongly triggered and afraid when I can sense a confrontation approaching. Knowing that a particular person will be the catalyst doesn't make it any easier. This is further challenged for you by being in a field dominated by type A personality men.

My situations are much different, yet so similar in the outcome. I have learned to stand up for myself, but the cost was losing quite a few jobs along the way. So, no, I don't recommend direct conversation. I've tried that and ended up in the unemployment line too often. I've tried the HR approach, only to have THAT blow up in my face as well.

I have no good advice to offer. I'm still deeply triggered by the ramifications of what I allowed to keep the job I had before my current position. I now have difficulty working with any male. My husband knows, but doesn't understand the fullest extent of how all that went before made that situation possible or how I haven't 'got over it' yet - though it's been over a decade.

These days, I use this site to vent out my fears and anger over obvious mistreatment. I only hope you can help your boss to see that this man is a bully. He is creating a hostile work environment. He doesn't just treat you this way, from what you said, but that doesn't mean he isn't targeting you more often than others. Regardless, your experience of him as a bully is justified. How you cope with that is a challenge beyond any help I can offer.

HUGS

[Bee123]

I understand what you are going through.
I have been away from work for almost 2 weeks now on medical leave due to a recent "flare" at work that leads to a trip to the ER.

Maybe you might want to consider looking for other job or taking a break?  I am currently considering these options as well...
weighing the pros and cons.

I am sorry I can't be helpful, I just want to know that I understand how you are feeling.

[MidnightOwl]

a_bunny congrats on standing up for yourself and sticking to what you know is the right thing. I feel like that shows a lot of progress/healing has occurred if the regular pattern for you is just to go along with whatever this bully wants. It's hard to break those patterns and I think a lot of people fall into that habit of peacekeeping(I know I do). So I'd really focus on holding on to yourself and keeping that energy going moving forward.

If this guy is particularly combative, it may make sense to consider getting out of the environment. It's tough because there can be difficult people at any job, but there's a special kind of difficult that makes things impossible. And this is just my perspective but talking to people like that generally is fruitless. They aren't good at self reflection (otherwise they wouldn't talk over people, yell, etc) and so it'll be this uncomfortable convo with little to see for it(imo/e). One thing that helped me was to observe the person causing my grief and see how they conducted themselves the same way with everyone. It didn't change their behavior but it helped me take it less personally and realize their behavior wasn't my problem to fix. But still, it's not fun nor productive to deal with someone like that at work.

I hope things work out smoothly for you.

[a_bunny]

Hi everyone, first of all, thank you all so much for your responses. I love this community and how compassionate and supportive everyone is, I hope to be more active and show my support more around here as well. *hugs to you all* who said you have similar struggles.

Here is an update on this situation.

For a while, the problem sort of went away, because me and said coworker were working on different things. But I knew it wasn't fixed forever. We started a new project recently, and as expected, the bad behavior resumed. I noticed that he would often interrupt me in the middle of my points specifically by saying "no no no" in an argumentative tone, and then go on some tangent to patronizingly explain something to me that I already knew. He automatically jumps to the assumption that I lack knowledge, and that things need to be explained to me, because he won't listen to me fully and understand what I'm actually trying to say.

Since my last post, something new happened in my team. The aforementioned female ally and I had pushed for regular meetings where we discuss how we are doing as a team (this is part of a normal process for engineering teams). After this past week of meetings that went badly for me, triggering schema attacks and a high level of anxiety, I decided to bring this issue up in our team meeting. It's obvious at this point that it wasn't effective to just tell my boss, and I still didn't feel like I could just tell this coworker privately (and I still have doubts whether that would be effective anyway). Everyone else on my team is cool, and I felt that it was a safe space where they would have my back, and also, I probably wasn't the only one who noticed there was a problem. I thought we'd all benefit from the discussion, and I planned to be as positive as possible: state the problem, use "I feel," suggest a behavior change, phrase it in terms of the benefit we would all get from positive communication as a team.

I was so nervous this morning that I was shaking and couldn't eat my breakfast, knowing that I'd have to bring it up in front of him. He would definitely know I was talking about him, even though I didn't name anybody. But I said my piece. I was specific, and said how being told "no no no" in the middle of what I'm saying makes me feel invalidated, frustrated, and flustered, and shuts down my ability to communicate, as well as all my other points. A couple of other people thanked me for bringing it up and said it was a good point, and then continued with their thoughts. The coworker in question didn't say much about it, then he quitely turned to me and said, "I wish you had told me directly."

Ultimately, I feel validated by my team, and I'm so grateful that they supported me today. One guy even messaged me afterwards to give me kudos for saying it, and we had a good conversation about it. I still feel a bit unresolved because the coworker didn't really take any responsibility for his actions. An apology would have been nice, not that I'm surprised I didn't get one. But I think the behavior will change. If coworker's behavior doesn't, the rest of the team's will, and it will be harder for him to carry on acting this way.

I spent the last 3 or so days in so much anxiety that I think my body is still full of the stress hormones, although it's dropped off a lot. And I still find myself slightly preoccupied, replaying the conversation from today. But I feel better, and the anxiety is a lot less. I hope I can get some sleep tonight.

[Three Roses]

 

[radical]

I can't do emoticons on this keyboard, so please imagine all the celebratory ones filling the page.
You've done brilliantly!!!

[Wife#2]

Hero - does the difficult thing because it just needs doing.  YES, you qualify.

Warrior - digs deep to defend him/herself in the face of adversity. YES, you qualify.

Legend - Says what everyone WANTS to say, but doesn't want to actually say it out loud - to the person who needs to hear it. YES, you qualify.

Esteem - earned by doing a hard thing well. Yes, you qualify.

Awesome - how you deserve to feel about yourself. How at least some of your coworkers think of you now! Yes, you qualify.

I was trying to make this into an anagram.

Anyway, the point is - you did a WHALE of a job, little bunny, and for that I also give you many kudos!