Wow - waves of bitterness and I feel like I'm drowning

Wife#2 · May 22, 2017, 04:08:27 PM

Today started out pretty good. Honestly, I was feeling pretty chipper. But, out of what feels like nowhere, the bitterness bug is in my blood. I can't seem to get it out.

I'm angry at both of my parents for their neglect of me. I'm angry that they thought so little of the consequences then and that they barely take time to think of me now.

This will pass, but I may scratch my scalp off if this doesn't begin to abate soon. One of my self-sooths is to run my nails (not hard, just enough to feel them) along my hair/scalp to the daily pony-tail I wear.

Breathing. Slowly. OK. Back to work before I lose my job.

Hope66 · May 22, 2017, 04:53:38 PM

Hi Wife2,
Sometimes the emotions are over-whelming aren't they. Better out than in I often say. I just wanted to send you a

and say that I hope you cope ok with your afternoon and that you can relax and unwind a bit this evening.
Hope

Wife#2 · May 22, 2017, 05:34:16 PM

Thank you, Hope. I really did need that hug!

Back to you for being there.

I have some stress ahead of me today, but it's not parent related. I think I can manage. That hug will go a long way towards coping. Thank you, again!

phoenix.rising · May 23, 2017, 08:04:06 PM

Also sending a hug

Some days are overwhelming. It's so hard to feel it, but it's ok to feel it. Then, we let it go. Then, we feel it again and let it go again. The cycle continues until that particular layer is felt, and then we can start on another layer. After all the feeling and talking and working through is peace and healing.....and lots of need for lots of really good hugs.

Wife#2 · May 23, 2017, 08:19:22 PM

Thank you, phoenix!

Yes, the more hugs the better! And worth all the work we do.

Blueberry · May 23, 2017, 10:18:23 PM

Quote from: Wife#2 on May 22, 2017, 04:08:27 PM
I'm angry that they (the parents) thought so little of the consequences then

is exactly what I'm going through now, though unfortunately I'm not yet really angry, more just perplexed. It boggles my mind that they didn't think of the consequences. But you are angry, and that sounds good. To be angry at the people who did this to you, and not at somebody else or yourself.

So here's

for you.

woodsgnome · May 24, 2017, 12:55:49 AM

So much of what these vibes touch are impossible to formulate words for or about; even angry ones, but the latter are natural and good, in the sense that it's all we have left sometimes. What we're responding to was, after all, senseless to begin with, so words can't suffice for the rawness we feel overwhelmed by.

Anger has its role; it's just that even it can't wholly rid our hearts from the harm and the loss. But what could? It's years later, and while we weren't around to help you through then, we are here now, and this present space is all we have...what I'll add now won't make up for those unspoken words of love and compassion you needed then; still, I offer what I can, with this ....

Wife#2 · May 24, 2017, 12:21:07 PM

Woodsgnome, Yes, it's true, we can't go back and 'fix' the situations for each other, but in a way - we can! My inner child took those hugs, she was greedy for them. I'm guessing she was the one who was angry, hurt and bitter. The result today was that she got the hugs that she needed and my mind began to calm.

So, thank you, Woodsgnome and everyone else who brought hugs to this discussion. Inner Child got the validation she needed and I'm doing much better today.

Dee · May 24, 2017, 12:43:58 PM

I know it sucks, but you are feeling. Waves of bitterness and feeling anger is good. You were also able to identify and express your emotions. Good work, even if it doesn't feel that way. You have every right to be angry.

Wife#2 · May 24, 2017, 02:18:31 PM

Thank you, Dee. Here is a hug from me

and one from inner child - who, by the way is very huggy by nature - she just LOVES giving and receiving hugs. Much like my DS. So, here is a

from her!

Candid · May 28, 2017, 11:31:22 AM

Quote from: Wife#2 on May 22, 2017, 04:08:27 PM
I'm angry at both of my parents for their neglect of me. I'm angry that they thought so little of the consequences then and that they barely take time to think of me now.

Me too, darling. Exactly that. I'm full of rage; it's my biggest problem now, because it makes being with other people an acting job. Exhausting.

from me.

Wife#2 · May 30, 2017, 01:08:15 PM

Candid, AMEN, sister!

The thing we have to watch out for is the illness anger can produce in us. I've begun having lots of pain and have had ringing in my ears that I think is equally due to dehydration AND ongoing, unresolved anger. I can drink water to help hydrate myself better. I'm still working on how to release the anger in a way that doesn't do damage to my husband or children.

I haven't found it yet, but will share if I do!

Candid · May 31, 2017, 08:01:34 AM

Interesting. I too have become aware of ringing in the ears. It becomes a shriek when I turn the light off at night. That's also when the panic attacks start. I thought it was 'just' tinnitus but you've made me wonder.

Also recently had blood tests which showed my salt level is too high, and the doc said it's because I'm not drinking enough water.

There's nowhere for my anger to go other than turning it on myself. The crisis team at the local nuthouse are still calling me regularly and reeling me in about once a week. Bad times in the past I've always thought "I know I've got one more run in me" but this time I'm not so sure. Things are very bleak here.

Wife#2 · May 31, 2017, 05:58:39 PM

Candid, the language you chose is very telling and I've got a radical idea. For me and for you, maybe.

We may need to STOP RUNNING. We can't outrun this thing. Like the tortoise and the hare, maybe we need to slow down, see the scenery, experience today for today and tell yesterday to SHUT UP. Yes, we can still get blindsided. Yes, we can still have a rough time even while taking our time. But, these runs have only left us exhausted. We still haven't reached our goal. Maybe, if we slow down, breathe, give our souls a chance to feel what we're feeling in this one moment, we can keep the pace for longer.

Not to bury our heads in the sand and pretend it didn't happen, or that we're 'over it'. But, to give our hearts and minds and souls a chance to process today. If we feel calmer, then maybe look back, see the journey as it has unfolded, realize our accomplishments and how far we have actually come. Maybe then, it won't overwhelm us so badly that we have to hush our brains by ringing in our own ears.

Maybe by slowing down, reducing our pace to one we can manage for the long haul, we can withstand the tidal waves of crud that crash around us sometimes. It's my hope to be able to stand firm with my feet anchored in the sand when the waves hit. I can bend without breaking. I can move without getting lost. I can withstand this wave because it won't last forever. There may be injury hidden in the wave, but I can repair that damage much easier than I can swim back to shore if I let myself get swept away. At least I think I can. I'd like to take the time to try.

Rereading that first post on this thread, I was hit pretty hard by the tidal wave of bitterness and anger. It did wash over me pretty hard. It did pass. I did survive. I even recovered some of the love I have for my parents.

I don't know if any of this helped you, Candid. I hope so, very much! The tinnitus may be just that, but I've found that hydration reduces it and calming down reduces it. At least in my case. Something to consider....

Blueberry · May 31, 2017, 09:25:47 PM

Quote from: Candid on May 31, 2017, 08:01:34 AM
Interesting. I too have become aware of ringing in the ears. It becomes a shriek when I turn the light off at night. That's also when the panic attacks start. I thought it was 'just' tinnitus but you've made me wonder.

Interesting for me too. I don't have actual ringing in the ears but more as if I'm holding a shell up to my ear, or both ears. Not all the time either. It comes and goes.