Can't cry in therapy

[Twinkletoes]

It's me again! Sorry everyone I know I'm posting a lot this week. I guess I need more support than usual from people who understand.

I had therapy last night. I couldn't cry (as usual). I wanted to, I could feel it in the back of my eyes - I could feel the sadness in my body and several times the wave would hit and somehow automatically it was gone again.

T asked me what I am afraid of - she asked am I worried she will tell me off or shout, be angry etc - I said no. I told her I want to come and cry it out because I know it will help, but I get there and it just goes away.

I thought about this last night and all I can come up with is that when I was younger, my mum wouldn't deal with me crying. Cliche' as it is, she would say that she would "give me something to cry about". Or send me to my room. But the most relevant, she would NEVER hug me, ever and when I was crying that was what I used to want the most.

Obviously in therapy, t doesn't either and so I do wonder if that's some of my reluctanc? She said it's healing to have someon "sit with you" through the pain and I "get it" intellectually anyway...

Does anyone else have this problem?

[radical]

Yes, I've had a big problem with not being able to cry.  I get tears and the waves through my body that you speak of and then blankness.  It's so frustrating.  I recently was able to sob for the first time in so long and it was deeply healing.  I wish I could access more of this ability.

Like you, my mother didn't like crying.  I even believed a policeman would take me away, when I was very young, such was my mother's determination to no be annoyed by my needs.  To be fair to her, she was over-stretched by my disabled sister.

I don't know what the answer is, if I will ever be able to freely let my body release pain this way.  I wish I could.

[Twinkletoes]

Thank you for replying to my post. I am both glad I'm not alone but sad for you.

Do you think it's shame? I'm just reading a carl Jung article on shame and wonder if that's why?

I cried a couple of times in therapy but over the course of over 2 years and like you, it was cathartic and I want more of it.

Is it trust? I do trust my t, do you trust your's?

[radical]

I don't know if it it is shame.  I usually can't cry alone either, although when i was able to really cry last week, I was alone.  I unlearned crying as a child.  I wasn't comforted, I was usually punished for crying.

i can only remember properly crying a couple of times in my entire adult life.  I'm glad you have had the cathartic experience of weeping in therapy.  I've shed tears, but never been able to really cry.

I hope you are more able to release your sorrow with your therapist over time.

[Twinkletoes]

Ah I see, that is sad. Poor you.  I seem to cry on my own quite often, in fact, nearly always in the toilet or bathroom (the only rooms that lock).

I hope you are also able to get in touch with your crying and have a cathartic release - thank you for commenting on my post and letting me know I'm not the only one.

[Three Roses]

I am also unable to cry, or get angry. I'm hoping these come back because I know it's healing -

[sanmagic7]

i stopped crying in my teens, didn't start again until my late 30's.  i heard many of the same messages mentioned here.  the more i got into recovery, the more i cried.  always for positive things - someone showing me kindness or caring, or showing it to someone else, even if it's on tv.  any happy occasions, sad occasions.  i cry so often now, but i'm always trying to hold it back or i would be sobbing every day.  maybe i should let that just happen.  i'm afraid to do it in front of my hub cuz he'd get so worried, but i guess i could talk to him about it beforehand, let him know what the deal is.

crying is such a normal thing for humans, isn't it?  i mean, it's how we first communicate with the outside world when we're uncomfortable or lonely or scared.  it's natural,  i also believe, aside from healing, it's a way to release tension and toxins from our body.  but it is a signal of some kind of distress.  and why cry when happy?  is it that distressing to me? 

i totally relate to wanting to be comforted in therapy when you cry.  i had a counselor who, when i broke down, i asked for a hug, and she gave it to me.  it felt really good.  when i was working with adolescent girls, i'd ask if they wanted a hug if they began tearing up.  i think wanting that physical comfort is a natural thing, and we've been deprived of it.  it also makes sense that a therapist would allow you to cry and not judge you, just let it happen. 

this whole crying thing seems really complicated to me. 

[Eyessoblue]

Yes I'm the same, I actually posted this on here a few months ago and still unable to cry, I feel the whole emotion of about to then I cover it up and disassociate so I don't deal with my feelings, I think with me this is because as a child, crying made everything worse in the way of punishment and I also had this thing where I tried to show that no matter what happened to me nothing would upset me and I didn't want to show 'them' that they were winning. Like you, if I could just sit there and let it all out I know I would feel so much better, but I feel as if I have a blocked emotional channel!

[woodsgnome]

As has been noted, the crying issue is complicated. Here we've been using it in the grief/sad/anger context of dealing with cptsd, but we find tears to be just as valid responses to joyful times, nostalgic moments, pure relief, etc.

I feel like tears are always on the edge of my life; yet I'm not at all considered an emotional person, as I too learn to mask it. In my case, as a youth there were times when to cry was outright dangerous to my safety; it actually seemed to entice certain teachers (intense religious school) in the direction of further hurt and shame; tears drew them like a magnet to me, it felt.

I experienced a kind of shock where I couldn't cry or feel safe expressing any emotion in any way; it was like what happened was too much for anything other than a rigid freeze pattern with numbness as  the chief feature. Sometimes I wanted it that way so as not to draw further attention.

This response came in adult situations, when I experienced not just emotional stress, but once [***TRIGGER***] was assaulted in a park. My trust in other humans plummeted even lower than it already was. That distrust is still characteristic of me, but a few years ago the ability to cry returned. Mostly privately, still--the social taboos are strong no matter what. But I know I have reservoirs of tears, and on certain occasions they gush out big-time.

To the question of 'in therapy' crying--again, there's a huge trust level that needs bridging. Even then, the social stigma may carry over. Regarding trust, I've had about 7-10 therapists over a 20-year span; only with the first and the present have I felt comfortable enough for a solid span of time in which to feel 'allowed' to break through.

I never know when, though; last week an EF flashed in and the tears rolled instantly and uncontrollably. But sometimes I don't cry when logically one would think I might. It's yucky to think you 'should', though. Having expectations and then analyzing afterwards runs counter to the natural process, it seems.

Bottom line--tears anyplace are a mysterious process. Let the mystery be seems wise; sometimes they're there for obvious reasons, other times one wonders how they got there, or why they remained absent. But there's nothing wrong with anyone who, for various reasons, might not think they're doing it enough, or the right way. Mysteries can surprise, and it's as such a very human response either way.

[radical]

I know what you mean about the 'rigid' or frozen quality, where (for me) simulations replace smiles, and all emotion seems at a distance.  I've come to see it as a kind of 'locked-in' syndrome.

Weirdly, it has led people to thinking I'm really well when I'm at my worst, complimenting me on how well I am, and conversely, worrying when I get unfrozen, even though I feel a thousand times better.  I guess my body and feelings getting synced leads to a kind of wobbliness, it's unfamiliar to me.  People can mistake it for instability, yet it feels whole. I just need to learn to coordinate it in my body.

What is most horrible for me is even the most important people not recognising that dissociated states, including fawning, are not wellness, and that my struggles to be whole and authentic in the way I present to the outside, are.  It can lead to a kind of gaslighting effect in how I'm responded to at the most important times.

I've been shocked to learn that because of this rigidity, my blood pressure and pulse don't move with how I'm feeling inside and even under extreme psychological distress on the inside, they can stay inflexibly low.  it is very unhealthy, even trees need to lean with the wind to keep from breaking.  The pressure this puts on my body must be huge.  I feel that it has been killing me.

[sanmagic7]

o, radical, i can so relate to that feeling of this stuff killing me even as i'm walking and talking. 

tears are mysterious and are part of life and living.  i wish for all of us that we can become friends with our tears, can stop being scared of crying, can just let it out as needs be for release, relief, and healing.   how horrible that such a natural part of our beings, from the moment we're born, has become so twisted and tortured for us.  it's not right.

[Saule]

What everyone has said here resonates with me so much. I struggle to cry in therapy, too, even though I want to so badly. I get the 'waves' then that emotional shut down. I have at times been able to cry silently. Tears just well up and pour down my face, but I don't make a sound, and I'm able to keep on talking like nothing is wrong. It's like the tears are independent of my feelings.

Crying meant a higher chance of emotional and physical violence when I was growing up, so eventually I learned not to cry. I'm sure that's why I have trouble with it.

I have been able to cry more outside of therapy though, which is an improvement. Probably about once a month I'll reach tipping point and have a really intense cry.

I know what you mean about the 'rigid' or frozen quality, where (for me) simulations replace smiles, and all emotion seems at a distance.  I've come to see it as a kind of 'locked-in' syndrome.

Weirdly, it has led people to thinking I'm really well when I'm at my worst, complimenting me on how well I am, and conversely, worrying when I get unfrozen, even though I feel a thousand times better.

I get this too. Even seasoned therapists have difficulty working me out. My current therapist understands now, and so always makes a point of asking what's happening inside, even if I look like I'm fine.