My Story, as I Currently Understand It (Possible triggers?)

[rosiehillinhan]

So, I would like to share my story in hopes of finding the tools and support that this board seems so good at.

I was in a really bad place when I was a pre-teen. My parents were divorced when I was eight. Both remarried. My mother was completely shut down emotionally, and never allowed any expression of anger or any other "negative" emotion. My father was a controlling man with a giant ego, and if life wasn't exactly the way he wanted it to be, he got really upset. My stepmother was even worse than my father, had no patience for me or my sister, told us lies about our mother. My stepfather was actually the calmest of the bunch, but never really spoke up about anything.

Because I am hard of hearing, I already had problems making friends with the "mainstream" kids. Add that to the fact that my family's extremely rigid rules, lack of emotional connection and lack of stability it's no wonder I started "acting out."

My parents response to my "bad behavior" (yes, they called it that) was to start spanking me. That escalated into trying to control everything I did and completely ignoring me if I expressed my dislike. I started having nightmares, and no one would come when I called out. I started yelling and breaking things in what I'm sure was a desperate try for my parents' attention. Their response to that was to start sending me away.

They sent me to a summer camp for troubled kids and then finally to a boarding school. I'm sure you can imagine I didn't exactly get the emotional connections I needed and craved there. Not only that, I was mercilessly bullied by not just the other kids, but some of the adults, too. I was lost, scared, and alone, so of course I pulled away so far that I retreated into my head.

That's when my parents decided I was "better" and they would let me come home. They thought they had fixed me. I realize now, that's when I finally broke and realized the only way out was to completely give up. I'm a complete doormat now and that really scares me.

Thank you to those who read this. I'm really glad I found this board.

[Candid]

that's when I finally broke and realized the only way out was to completely give up. I'm a complete doormat now and that really scares me.

Isn't that the worst of it, self-abandonment? I'm so sorry you went through that. I have almost given up and have been a doormat/target for bullies for a long time. But both of us have found this forum and there are a lot of good and wise people posting here.

So, from me, no tools or even helpful suggestions except to keep posting. I've found some comfort here and am getting bolder in what I post. I wish that for you, too.

[rosiehillinhan]

Thank you for your supportive reply! I'm definitely my own worst enemy when it comes to that. Part of my healing goal is to become more confident in my life.

[solongStockholm]

Rosie, I feel sad for you. I imagine "love" felt very unsafe and conditional for you growing up. That's how your situation feels to me at least.

That's not normal and not what you deserve. I wish you had had what you deserved...to be openly loved without condition. ❤

[rosiehillinhan]

Rosie, I feel sad for you. I imagine "love" felt very unsafe and conditional for you growing up. That's how your situation feels to me at least.

That's not normal and not what you deserve. I wish you had had what you deserved...to be openly loved without condition. ❤

That's exactly it. I was telling a friend the other day - my parents/family loved me, yes, but it was on their terms and only when they wanted to. Thank you for your kind words!

[Candid]

I'm definitely my own worst enemy when it comes to that. Part of my healing goal is to become more confident in my life.

You can start figuring out how you would act towards, and what you would say to, your own best friend. There's a lovely quote on here by our own radical, something like: "I believe in myself even when no one else in the world does."