More than regular old PTSD...

[abcdefghijohnnyz]

Hi. I'm Johnny. Please pardon my dry and sarcastic tone while talking about my trauma-- it's my way of coping.

I was diagnosed with PTSD several years ago-- though not officially diagnosed with C-PTSD. I'm starting to feel like "just plain old PTSD" doesn't really describe my situation.

When I was 18 I was kidnapped, imprisoned, raped and physically abused for four solid days. Then a couple of years later I decided it would be a good idea to date two sociopaths at once (it's a long story). In between, I experienced a lot of unrelated traumatic nonsense due to being transgender and experiencing abuse and discrimination around that.

Between all of that, I developed all the PTSD and C-PTSD symptoms you would expect, alongside alcoholism and self-harm. The flashbacks, the insomnia, the nightmares, the whole "complete loss of faith in humanity" bit, all that fun stuff.

Eventually I got sober, got some good therapy and psych meds, and generally began to heal.

But I am not "all better" and I doubt I ever will be. Sometimes I get so tired from trying to act like I'm "all better now" and I feel really lonely. Also, I know a lot of abuse and rape survivors, but I don't know many other people who are kidnapping survivors... I feel like the experience of imprisonment is such a crucial part of my trauma and also this formative experience that made me who I am, for better or worse.

I guess I am here looking for stories to relate to.

That's it from me for now.

-J

[sanmagic7]

hey, johnny,

i can't really relate to being kidnapped - can't even imagine what that would be like, but my heart goes out to you for that experience.  it truly sucks.

i am glad you made it here, welcome.  i don't know about being 'cured' of c-ptsd, but i do believe now that eventually it can be beaten down from the beast it has been to the size of a small puppy, something much more manageable.  hope you keep posting.  dry and sarcastic is no problem.  hugs.

[Three Roses]

Hello Johnny, welcome to the forum!

It is very difficult to walk around in this world, pretending. Putting on a brave face, smiling and saying "Fine, I'm fine," when you don't feel fine but you know if you explain how you really feel you're just going to get The Look. Or worse, that ever popular gem of wisdom, "That's all in the past."

I hope that by poking around here and reviewing all the posts, resources, and information you'll begin to really feel that you're not alone anymore. That there are people here who get it, who've been there, who won't try to silence you when you speak of your pain. I've found this forum to be sympathetic and supportive and I hope you will, too. Thanks for joining!

[Kizzie]

Hi Johnny and a warm welcome to OOTS     I can't imagine what being kidnapped together with everything you else you have endured must be like to carry around, but I and everyone else here sure understand and can relate to having CPTSD. Sorry you are here but glad too if that makes sense, it's such a difficult burden to live with on our own.

Just recently we started a new forum for members who developed CPTSD in their adult years so you may want to post there when you are ready - http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?action=collapse;c=5;sa=collapse;d0189ad3a3cd=1b535278dd2327c75e38cb6e290ace8d#c5. 

You're most welcome to post anywhere you'd like of course, but it may be that you will relate more to those starting to use the forum because their CPTSD did not develop in childhood as it did for so many of us. 

Please settle in, look around, and if you have any questions don't hesitate to ask.

[bring em all in]

Welcome to the group Johnny!

[abcdefghijohnnyz]

Thanks for the welcomes from everyone. I did already check out the adult forum.

[Kizzie]

It may take a while for responses there Johnny as yours is not a common situation, but hang in there, over time you may find others with the same experience connecting with you.   In the meantime we all understand the symptoms of CPTSD so there's common ground to talk about in that.

[candytron]

Humor (in sarcasm, black humor, levity etc) is such a wonderful gift and something I wish I used a little bit more with coping.  I welcome that. 

I've dealt with a lot of pain, myself, around the notion that "this is never going to go away".  I've had to contend with the idea that this is a chronic condition that will improve and hopefully get easier over time, but that it may never go away completely.  That's hard. 

I'm so sorry that you've endured these experiences.  I hope you can find lightness, space, and more things to laugh about in the days to come. 

[abcdefghijohnnyz]

The ability to have humor about my situation is something that only came after a long time. It helps me a lot, but sometimes people who don't have trauma are a bit freaked out to hear me making jokes and being sarcastic about ridiculously horrible things that happened to me. I guess people expect all trauma survivors to just break down sobbing every time we talk about our trauma, even if we've already cried about more than they will ever know.

[Contessa]

Bring on the black!
I must admit I only used it for the very first time, in regard to my situation, last Friday. What liberation it was!

Johnny, as others have already said, most of us we may not know what it is like to be kidnapped. Yet pain and devastation is not something we can only imagine. Glad you are here and a pleasure to meet you!