Giving up, but so want to live and thrive.........

[Oskette]

I'll call myself Oskette, after my beautiful friend/cat who died last Wednesday.

My story is a lifelong battle of poverty and failures, with the joy of a little cat called Oscar brought into it, and now he's gone.

I'll have to tell you my most recent heartache (besides losing my loving cat who I'm picking up his ashes tomorrow afternoon).

My father was and is a very neglectful man of my emotions. I had cut off communication with him a few years back when he falsely accused me of trying to hire a lawyer against my sister, then cut me off mid sentence as I tried to reason with him and then he hung up on me.

Anyway, he sends a small gift to his 3 children each year at Christmas time. I chose a thank you letter to him to bring up something else that had been bothering me lately for the past 2 years. You see, my equally neglectful mother had died in Africa, and the house was inherited by him. Around 5 years ago, he had told me that the house was our (3 children's legacy/inheritance). However, my sister (golden child who can do no wrong) is in charge and runs the show of selling it from here in North America, yet she has denied it (her being in charge) to me. The man they hired to look after the house in their absence told me that he was not allowed by my sister to tell me anything about the house, what they were rented for per month, and how much they planned to sell the house for, etc. This man already told me that she had stolen half my inheritance from my mother.

So, in the letter, I asked him why she was doing this (she had told me where to go when I tried to find anything out from her). I also told him that she had said that I do not deserve a penny of the proceeds of the sale either and that none of the matters of the house was of my business.  I asked him if this were true.

In his response to my letter he briefly responded to my niceties (and in such a way that made me cringe from the phoniness), and then completely ignored my final paragraph where I asked him about the house.

I know it takes my father up to 2 days to respond to a letter, so I let that go by, and still no answer. So I forwarded the same letter gently saying that my query to him seems to have been completely missed.
It's been 4 days now, and still no response.

I know from past experience if I push again for an answer, I will probably get a raging rebuke telling me it's the way I talk, the way I this, and the way I that, I am offensive, blah blah blah, and then insult me even more by telling me when I can behave in a decent and normal manner, I can come back and try again. This is the usual hurtful garbage that always makes it all my fault, and makes me feel like I am absolutely worthless.......

I've had the suspicion for the longest time that he is a covert narcissist. Everyone else thinks he's such a gentle loving soul, and that he loves me, I'm the one who says he hates me...........just pretends to love me as his child, but it's phony.........

[mourningdove]

Welcome, Oskette!

So sorry for the loss of your cat and for what you are going through with your relatives.

Everyone else thinks he's such a gentle loving soul, and that he loves me, I'm the one who says he hates me...........just pretends to love me as his child, but it's phony.........

I could have written this about my covert N mother. You're not alone. 

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, Oskette. I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain you must be in. I hope you find the same sense of validation and support that I and many others have found in this community.

Thanks for joining us! 

[Oskette]

Am I right for feeling completely cheated, offended by what my sister and father are doing? I've been told by someone that I have no right to be angry (anger is forbidden by God according to him, or I will go to * for feeling anger) and that I am to do nothing, and must forgive them (the man who is taking care of the house for them told me this).

I feel like I should resend the letter to my father again questioning why he has not replied to the query. Am I right to feel offended by it being completely sidestepped/ignored?

[sanmagic7]

absolutely!  your feelings are yours and are always valid.  anger included.  babies have a great sense of their emotions and don't hesitate to show them.  we were born with our emotions, they are real, a part of us, and we deserve to not only feel them but to express them as well.

your father's beliefs about god and what god likes and doesn't like are his own.  they don't have to be yours if you don't agree with them.  i left behind the religious beliefs of my parents a long time ago, searched until i found a sense of spirituality that fits for me, and am comfortable with that now.  it was difficult at first, tho.

thanks for posting.  very glad you're here. 

[Three Roses]

Emotions are neither right nor wrong, but a reaction to something we encounter. The dictionary defines "emotion" as a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others. Your emotions were created in you, by the creator of the universe (or so is taught in Christian circles). How then can they be wrong? Even Jesus himself was angry, destroying a market place set up within a temple. The Bible says, "In your anger do not sin" (Ephesians 4:26), implying that there is a right and wrong way to BE angry, but not that anger itself is wrong. Without anger, everyone would be a doormat; without fear, we would put ourselves in danger repeatedly.

These comments by others are either expressions of their own ignorance, or simply attempts to control us. Don't fall for it! We are in your corner. 

[Oskette]

Thank you everyone for your responses, it is so hard to bear this alone...

3 roses this is is what I was arguing with the house caretaker who is insisting that I let God take care of it, and do nothing, say nothing. But that only resulted in my sister stealing half my inheritance from my mother, and now the rest of the inheritance. It's not so much the inheritance, but the soul-crushing rejection I am receiving at their hands that seems to be destroying me....
........I feel that by not pressing for answers, and allowing them to ignore me and push me aside is doing me more damage.....I feel the advice given by the caretaker was wrong, and am even beginning to think he's got a vested interest in helping them.........by me not saying anything I am being nothing but an unwilling doormat, and I don't think that is what my creator intended for me. But I have been told over and over that if I take matters into my own hands (by asking what their intentions are and why I have been refused any information) I will wind up in *...

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello oskette
Thank you for sharing and I am glad you are here ..
I can relate to the difficulty you are experiencing . .

Quote ' My father was and is a very neglectful man of my emotions'. There is the key to the problem .. people with personality disorder operate on a different level as we know, to the detriment of some others mental health. It seems you may be expecting validation where it will not come and this is creating such pain for you ..
What are the legalities around this situation ?
With regard to god and the * and damnation thing  well that is another form of abuse ..
Wisdom to know the difference as said in the serenity prayer is what helps me ..
You'll know intuitively what is right - it seems you have asked the question , you can't now illicit a response by pushing ( doesn't make you bad if you did though
My experience is if one child is 'seen as golden ' no other person will be able to change that
Protect yourself , be kind to yourself
Not having a family to 'be there' and to be the bright light in a dark sky is tough
For me it's a spiritual journey to find home in me ..
Love inside

[Boatsetsailrose]

There is also a sister forum 'out of the fog' this could be helpful for you

[sanmagic7]

it is my belief that if god didn't want us to look out for and after ourselves, god would not have given us the means (our minds, thoughts, creativity, logic, emotions, resources, etc.) to do so.  we have been entrusted with all these, including something like this forum, for help and support as we do what's important to take care of ourselves.   we're here with you and for you.